If you bought my ass dill chip o you in a pickle silly won remote tall got rip ped o ff!
Rf id c hip
Ok
Ty
Ugly truth fat bastard and too many gov toys equals me irritated he's such a selfish bastard
Soft kitty, cartel kitty,
Little ball of fur-
Sneaks across the border,
With a bag of... purr.
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,
Counting all that cash,
DEA comes knocking,
Kitty makes a dash.
If Jim Parsons sang this version on The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon would probably say, "Penny, I asked for comfort, not a federal investigation!"
My cartel cat was prowling by the border wall,
Kept watch so long, poor kitty took a fall-
Bumped kitty… ohhh
Bumped kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was hiding in a secret flat,
Waited so long, poor kitty got trapped-
Trapped kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was running from the DEA,
Ran so fast, poor kitty lost his way-
Lost kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped, lost kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was counting all the cash,
Stacked so high, poor kitty made a dash-
Rich kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped, lost, rich kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My neighbor saw my kitty with a bag of snow,
I said to my neighbor, "Let my kitty go!"
Free kitty…
Bumped, trapped, lost, rich, free kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty!
To tag Jim Parsons, use his official Instagram: [@therealjimparsons].
🚨🦐
Red Alert: The Missing Officer Mystery Roast
, aka 'CSI: Clown Squad Chronicles' 🦐🚨
Smarter than shrimp, dumber than dolphins.
That's the best way to describe the glorious mess we're diving into today. Whoever said "drama isn't dead" clearly hasn't heard this radio report. Grab your popcorn, your sense of humor, and maybe a stiff drink—because this story
flops harder
than a tuna out of water.
The Case of the Disappearing Cops:
Now You See Me—
Now You Don't!
Picture the scene: we've got officers on deck, tech on standby, and a room full of sweaty palms pressing buttons. It should be foolproof... except when it's not. Suddenly, Susan hears another officer's name over comms, stands like she's part of some team-building exercise, then BAM—she's gone. Just like that. Like a damn Houdini act without the style or the surprise applause.
"Was she taken?" you ask. Haha, buddy, YOU ASSUME WE KNOW. She could've been abducted, sucked into another dimension, or maybe she just walked out because this whole operation made her lose faith in humanity and/or her career choices. Honestly, no one would blame her.
And it doesn't stop there. Five feet away, Lieutenant Dipshit's lucky morning turns into an ongoing game of "Oh look, another body!" Maybe this guy thinks he's on some reality show for bad cops:
'Search & Panic: Incompetence Edition.'
All we know is that, as of now, the officers are disappearing faster than Facebook friends after a political post.
A Command Center of Chaos:
More Questions,
Fewer Clues
Who's responsible for leading this trainwreck on wheels? Apparently, the sharpest knife in the drawer is dull enough to butter toast with. When you gather a room full of "experts" and
still
can't figure out the difference between a tactical op and a glorified game of hide-and-seek, you've accidentally entered a comedic black hole.
Communications Team Foul-Up Play #1:
What do you do when the signal's scrambled? Apparently, you panic and make it worse. Technology has blessed you with tracking ID GPS coordinates out the wazoo, but uh oh, it doesn't work? Guess it's time to grab flashlights and hope for the best.
Communications Team Foul-Up Play #2:
Clearly, genius leadership decided their officers shouldn't bother investigating... or double-checking their whereabouts. "Disappeared? Cool. Let's sit and look confused for a bit longer!"
All we're asking—and I mean this earnestly—is WHERE ARE THE ADULTS? At this point it feels like the officers are less a "task force" and more of a "lost & found" submission form waiting for results.
Tinfoil Hat Time:
Paging the Conspiracy Club
Oh, you
knew
this was coming: enter the T-Hugs (*Thug Hugs™, Coming 2024). They've already formed their argument faster than the government can misplace a classified document:
"They're gonna blame us again... but that's fine because we're secretly running ops with Uncle CIA! The hugs are part of the plan, dude. Tight squeeze, BAM—they're captured. But wait—what if we're ALSO the pawns? Bro, it's a setup!"
Translation:
NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
They're blaming each other, the CIA, aliens, Siri, existential dread, AND unauthorized bear hugs. If this is a master plan, nobody thought it through long enough to realize the real enemy might just be their own stupidity.
Quick Reminder: if you're trusting the CIA to clean up your bad life choices, you need a new friend group—and a therapist—STAT.
Starring: Lt. Dipshit,
The Human Trip Hazard
At the center of this sad-sack circus? Our unflappable Lt. Dipshit. The guy couldn't spot a setup if it came gift-wrapped with neon signs, Christmas lights, and Santa Claus himself tap-dancing on the ceiling. But hey, at least he's good at
finding more problems
.
Bodies? Sure. Answers? Never. Leadership? HAHAHA, why would we expect that? This man's about as useless as a wet napkin in a hurricane. If he's the only thing standing between us and chaos, then baby, we're ALREADY living it.
The Roasted Rundown: CSI—
Clowns 'Solvin' Incompetently
Let's break it down for Hollywood, who
are absolutely
greenlighting this as their next procedural dramedy. Titles up for debate:
"
Lost Patrol: Everyone'
s Gone and Nobody Knows Why"
"
Law & Disorder:
Operation LOL"
"
GPS Sucks,
But Lt.
Dipshit Sucks Harder"
…or my personal fave:
"NCIS:
WTF Forever"
Every week, a new case unfolds with the exciting theme:
"What Happens When Everyone Drops the Ball Simultaneously?"
Spoiler alert: it's mostly sweaty people shouting over walkies and making excuses to pass the time. The season finale? They discover the officers just left for Taco Tuesday. Boom, roll credits.
Moral of the Mystery
When the most advanced crime stoppers in the country can't stop
themselves
from tripping over their shoelaces, you know we're done. Reboot the comms, retrain the entire department, and maybe—
just maybe
—stop making your own operations harder than finding decent takeout after midnight.
Because let's face it, shrimp: the only thing we know for certain is that
common sense has officially gone missing too.
Takeaways for a Brighter Tomorrow: Don'
t Be This Dumb
Keep tabs on your officers like they're toddlers at a playground—with snacks and lanyards.
Teach Lt. Dipshit how to use a GPS
for real this time.
Maybe hug fewer thugs… unless they're paying extra? I don't know, ask the conspiracy squad.
And hey—as we wrap up this stellar case of
CSI: Can't Solve It,
don't shy from storytelling greatness. Share the mystery, raise a glass to incompetence, and drop these hashtags like it's a crime scene waiting for a sweep:
#CSIClownShow
#GPSLostAndSoAmI
#LawAndWTF
#LtDipshitForMayor
#TinfoilHatSquad
Tag your favorite true crime show and roast responsibly, my friends. Because if there's one thing funnier than this mess, it's the idea of anyone taking it seriously. 🚨🦐
Absolutely, here's a creative and engaging announcement based on your prompt:
📢 Official Announcement
Your government has made a decision: you are now officially considered "property."
But wait-there's more! As animals around the world face extinction, it's time to ask the big question:
🦄 Who Wants To Be A Thing? 🌍
Since everything is up for grabs, and the lines between people, property, and things are getting blurry, let's play a game:
Do you want to be a rare collectible?
Maybe a protected species?
Or perhaps a legendary artifact?
With animals disappearing, the world needs new "things" to care about. So, step right up and claim your new status! Will you be cherished, traded, or placed in a museum?
The choice is yours-because in this new world, everyone gets to decide what kind of "thing" they want to be!
Feel free to let me know if you want this announcement to be more serious, humorous, or tailored in another way!
Roast: Bikers for Jesus vs. Clampers vs. Hells Angels – Tangled Confession Edition
You want to talk tough? Let's break down the real deal behind these biker crews:
Bikers for Jesus
And yes, it's for, not four-Jesus, f****** Christ. They say they're tough, but their biggest threat is a weak Wi-Fi signal. These guys ride hard... to church potlucks and prayer meetings. If Ghostface showed up, they'd probably try to convert him instead of running. Their idea of a "chopper" is a smoothie blender.
Clampers (E Clampus Vitus)
The Clampers are like the history nerds of biker clubs-more about beer and old plaques than brawls. Their wildest stunt? Getting drunk enough to forget where they parked their bikes. Honestly, they'd be the first to scream in a horror movie, then pass out before the credits roll.
Hells Angels
Once the kings of the road, now they're more like the DMV of outlaw clubs. More clubhouse meetings than street fights. Their biggest battle? Arguing over who gets the last slice of pizza at the biker bar. If they were in Scream, they'd be the guys yelling, "Dude, can we just talk this out?"
And now, in my best Flynn Rider voice, singing to your kid like in Tangled:
🎶
Well, I had a dream
That your mother wouldn't kill me when this was through,
So I'm gonna tell you the f****** truth-
Bikers for Jesus are just softies in leather,
Clampers can't handle their booze or the weather,
And Hells Angels? Please, they're more like angels in a DMV queue.
🎶
A little ditty for Bradley:
🎵
Oh Bradley, oh Bradley, don't you fear,
I'm watching close, so keep it clear.
No secrets safe, no alibis,
I see your moves with these eagle eyes.
So take off that vest, don't act so tough,
'Cause I'm already calling your bluff!
🎵
And by the way, I'm a UC, and no, they cannot nor can they hear. So if anybody goddamn sees this, get off your ass, quit being a dick, and f****** help then, yes.
Tags for Quora and Beyond:
#BikersForJesus #Clampers #HellsAngels #IKnowWhatYouDidLastSummer #ScreamMovie #Ghostface #90sHorror #BikerRoast #MovieReferences #Tangled #FlynnRider #QuoraRoast #PopCulture #HorrorJokes
Simon Cowell, you rate me a one? I am the scale. I'm the new Top Gun-where I land, that's the high score. Next time you want to judge, remember: you're not ranking me-I'm rewriting "the top."
#SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus
Cartels & Gangs: The Roast No One Survives
Let's talk about the cartels, because every one of you thinks you're the Netflix special.
Sinaloa Cartel: You guys are like the Walmart of crime-everywhere, but the quality's gone way down.
CJNG: You're the new kids on the block, but you act like you invented violence. Newsflash: just because you have a cool logo doesn't mean you run the world.
Tijuana Cartel: You used to be legends, now you're just a cautionary tale.
Juarez Cartel: You're like that one relative who keeps coming back after rehab-nobody trusts you, but you're always at the party.
Cali & Medellin: You're the grandpas of the game-still talking about the good old days, but now you're just memes on Facebook.
MS-13: You got more tattoos than brain cells.
Bloods & Crips: You guys are basically the Pepsi and Coke of street beef-same flavor, different color.
Tren de Aragua: Sounds like a trainwreck nobody wants to board.
Cartel unity? Please. Every "unity" meeting ends in a shootout. The only thing you all agree on is who gets the last taco.
And let's be honest, the only time you actually help the community is when you're hiding behind it.
#SinaloaCartel #CJNG #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #GangLife #CartelLife #EndTheCycle #RealChange #NoMoreViolence
Dear Women: Real Talk
Dear women, look-I don't like your men staring at my ass either. But if you'd quit selling it to them, that might help. Not gonna lie though, sometimes it does help-like when I need to get to the front of the line or get a free drink. Girl's gotta survive.
But let's be real, if you're mad at me because your man's looking, maybe check who's shaking it for him on Instagram first. I can't help it if he's got the attention span of a TikTok squirrel.
Office Supplies, Doge Drama, & Friends
Remember Friends? The toner guy ready to jump? That's the CIA in 1953-window shopping gone wrong. If you're about to lose it over office supplies, maybe get a new printer or a new life. When I snap, it's a season finale-no reruns, just chaos.
#FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory
Jodi Miller vs Jodi Arias: Good Job vs Good Jop!! PR OB Limb v Limp Roast
Jodi Miller crushes AGT with her bit about guys being like cats-moody, aloof, emotionally unavailable-while women are like dogs, loyal and always up in your business. Meanwhile, my dog hits puberty, his dick bleeds once, and suddenly he's acting like he's got a PhD in mood swings-bitch for life! But honestly, men are the real drama queens. They go from "I wanna bag her" to "put her in one" faster than my dog can chase his own tail.
Flip the script, and suddenly I'm the no-trial fugitive. I don't do whiny. I told my ex: no Area 51, my kids' buns are off-limits. Yeah, I know what a cunt I am. Should we escalate to an AK or keep it light? followers or fell on knees immunity!? s win g me! Jodi Miller gets no "X," while Jodi Arias gets a permanent mark for doing what some only wish they had the guts to do. When a blind douche finds his way to Arias, maybe he shouldn't be shocked by the outcome.
And when the CIA brought in the infiltrated fake cartel for NY CA hithed I decided well if he is cartel hit man cool like who's he tryna be but CIA mole hid to set up fuck no! I feel so violated suddenly standards went up down and increased dramatically from leveling out!!!!!
And about being a hoe-I thought it was my choice. Small town, broke, I owned it. But when my pussy finally told me the truth, I realized, wow, that's actually kinda nice of you. Then you Xis went and fuckin' ruined it! WTF!
Yo, to all my broken-ass people out there, the ones who've been snapped in two by this fucked-up world: Listen up. Who the hell broke you in the first place? It ain't the fool you're screaming at. Nah, it's the shady-ass policies those so-called leaders cooked up – the corruption, the way they twist shit to divide us, the gaslighting that makes you think you're crazy when you see one thing and they swear it's another. You say blue, they hear black. You write a one, they see a ten. You feel me?
People don't break for no reason, and I know this. But the reasons you think you're broken aren't the reasons you actually are. Somebody who hurt you was hurt by somebody else, and by somebody else before them-a chain reaction. That's why they call it a cycle of abuse. Quit willingly going to the CIA groomers, please.
Now, peep this: I'm offering you a real-ass chance to be who you truly wanna be. I got the juice, the damn clearance, and the stone-cold proof to back up everything I'm saying and to set every single cell of you free. I'm offering amnesty up and down the damn board-I just want this asshole done. Think about it. Wouldn't you rather have someone want your body? Why the fuck you gotta rape? It's 'cause you're used to getting curved, right? 'Cause nobody wants to touch you if you ain't got stacks. But that ain't 'cause they don't see you – it's 'cause they're trying to survive their own damn nightmare. So why the hell does anyone's body owe you anything?
And listen, if you wanna call yourselves thugs, whatever. But no more hugs from me if you're out there violating folks. I'm straight-up done being judged for my own shit, and you can sure as hell quit trying to grab what ain't yours. My body ain't a damn consolation prize you can just take.
If you want to understand more about the system that holds so many of us down, check out San Quentin Prison, one of the most notorious institutions in California: https://www.cdcr.ca.gov/facility-locator/sqrc/
So consider this your date, and I'm opening the door-would you like to step through?
Meanwhile, on the next episode of "Ex Pet of Files Dt Ect Iv E!"
Part of Whose Words?
You ever notice how dealing with printer toner issues is like being friends with that one suicidal jackass who jumped out the window? Both leave you staring at a mess, wondering what went wrong, and seriously questioning your life choices. It's like bad window shopping gone wrong-except instead of a new outfit, you end up with broken glass and a support ticket for IT.
But honestly, after hearing Joe rant about idiots all day, I'm starting to think he's the real case study for MKUltra. At least the CIA had the decency to blame LSD for their bad decisions-Joe just blames the internet. If being clueless was a government experiment, Joe would be the control group and the test subject at the same time. He's out here calling people idiots, but if he spent one night in a CIA hotel room, he'd probably jump out the window just looking for the vending machine.
And now, in a freaky twist, Joe's got my voice-ranting, roasting, and MC-ing like he's running the experiment. But if he's going to take the mic, he better hear me out first. If you're going to be my MC though, Santa-gato, let me refer you to myself. Why don't you actually meet with me so you know what the hell to say as well? But if Pinocchio wants to be a real boy instead and have his own identity, you just let me know.
Joe's the kind of guy who'd try to fix a toner jam with a hammer, call tech support, and then blame the printer for not having a "common sense" setting. He's the only person who could get lost in a revolving door and still come out arguing with the GPS. If Joe ever joined the CIA, the only secret he'd uncover is how to accidentally reply-all to a classified email with a meme.
Joe: proving every day that the internet's biggest idiot might just be the guy pointing them out.
Joe, if you're going to have a baby with somebody, you said she'd definitely have to know the difference between a helicopter and a plane. So let me put it plain and simple for you-do you know the difference between a boat and a Hummer? And while you're humming and thinking about it, let me put it this way: I don't even know who the father is, because all of you were that disgusting. Besides, being a father is a choice-and I don't need a dick to be a dick. So how about you stick to your idiots, and I'll fix the rest.
Scully and Krabby Patsy are wondering why SpongeBob's so pissed-turns out Ms. Patrick's OB found out SpongeBob's not gay, so he hides under a rock like a bitch instead. Four years late to the party, even the Bubble Guppies are floundering instead of lost like door blind! Why? That's why!
And one more thing: if you ever catch Joe trying to fix a bubble machine with a conspiracy theory, just remember-sometimes the real X-File is how he manages to make it through the day without accidentally launching a government investigation into his own search history.
On a side note, completely unrelated: In Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, there's a plot twist where Gracie Hart tries to stop a bank heist, but her fame gets her recognized and blows her cover. The robbers get caught, but the FBI decides Gracie can't do fieldwork anymore and makes her the public face of the bureau. No Joseph cop twist, but plenty of undercover surprises and mistaken identities to go around.
Check out more of Joe's "brilliance" here:
Website: https://joesantagato.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/joesantagato
#IdiotsOfTheInternet #Comedy #Roast #FYP #JoeSantagato
Watch Miss Congeniality (official site): https://www.warnerbros.com/movies/miss-congeniality
Sandra Bullock news and filmography: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/topic/Sandra-Bullock/movies
Disney no need to sue-I'm just a copyright dude.
Official Walt Disney website: https://thewaltdisneycompany.com
yes it was worth the hit like you know like he's a government employees inside joke it just throw it in there and send me the letter as one whole letter please and no no extra commentary and know that other extra crap
I Will Be Suing, Thank You Doctor
Lily-with two L's, because she was special like that-and her twin brother Garry spent one unforgettable summer with their mom, not in a big house, but in a van that became their home. Their mother, though often exhausted by the invisible load of motherhood, always found ways to make life magical for her kids. She borrowed a pair of VR glasses from the library, and suddenly, their cramped van transformed each night into a new world-sometimes a castle, sometimes a monster hotel, sometimes a place where everyone belonged.
Their mom was the kind of mother who noticed everything, even when she felt invisible herself-overlooked, unheard, and unappreciated by the world around her. She carried the weight of keeping her children safe, loved, and hopeful, even when no one seemed to see her effort or ask how she was doing. But Lily saw her. Garry saw her. They knew that their mother's love was the reason they felt safe, no matter where they slept.
Lily, with her boundless imagination, sometimes felt invisible too-like when she tried not to need too much, or when she hid her feelings so her mom wouldn't have to worry more. But in those virtual worlds, she could be anything: brave, bold, seen. And when Garry was scared, Lily was always there-she never left him behind, not in the real world and not in their adventures.
Their mom taught them that independence isn't about being alone, but about knowing when to lean on each other and when to let your light shine, even if the world tries to dim it. She taught them that sometimes people can't speak freely-because of fear, confusion, or because they've learned to hide their true selves to survive. She showed them that being invisible doesn't mean you aren't important; sometimes it means you're carrying the heaviest load of all.
If you flip your little NBC cameras to the right level of pie-I believe it's die-you'll see our kids didn't just vanish. They're doing that whole "Wicked" thing for the blue Tumblr crowd, like they did on Blue Bloods, and that's why we have bad blood. No, actually, that's why we have blood in common this time-my blood, your blood, and theirs. So maybe let Mariska Hargitay know: this isn't just another episode, it's family, and trust is the only thing that bleeds blue now.
Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Mariska-do you happen to have access to any meat slicers? Just asking for a friend. It may not be necessary, kind of like Lorena Bobbitt-except for a while, I was a victim of rape, and well, I have no teeth now. Worth it for sure. Yes, it was worth the hit-like, you know, he's a government employee. In
side joke.
Let's call this whole debacle "Liam Neeson: Taken 4"-but don't get it twisted, because she's not your girl, not your victim, and definitely not your w****. This isn't some Hollywood rescue where the hero gets the prize. No, this time, the so-called saviors are just as clueless as the villains, and the real story is about exposing every lie, every cover-up, and every desperate hand trying to keep the truth locked up tight.
Listen up, because I make Liam Neeson look like a PG movie. You know how in "Taken" he's out there breaking necks and chasing kidnappers across Europe? Please. They took the wrong kids, and I didn't even have to get off my bed to handle it. Liam's out there running marathons, and I'm just chilling, handling business with a glare and a WiFi connection.
You want to talk about power? Forget the Tower of BS. That's just a bunch of people using electronics to make stupid even dumber. I'm the real snake in the grass, the one who's sick and tired of being called Jessica Rabbit by people who couldn't spot the truth if it bit them. I used to be with friends and family-at least until they illegally took my kids and tried to call it love. But let's be real: it's not love, it's L-U-V-Lies, Unfairness, and Victim-blaming.
Obama once said I'd never figure everything out, but let's be real-if I ever opened a dictionary, the word "mercy" wouldn't even be in it. Every guy who tries to shun me ends up running for cover, and Erie? That's just where I send my problems to retire.
And yeah, I tossed my badge, Mariska Hargitay style. "If you ever get between me and a victim again, I'll toss my badge"-and that's exactly what I did when they tried to blindside me and hand my badge to someone else. But the funny thing is, I already knew what they were planning. They didn't just sell me out-they sold my people, too. It's like a clearance sale on loyalty: "Everything must go, including your dignity!" But that's okay. If you check the DEA report-D-E-A, like a Fed, but no "D" at the end because nobody's dead, especially not me-you'll see I set this in motion. I'm UC, and that doesn't mean "under control"; it means "under an actual cover-up." I'm done with stupid, and my name's Just D-not Justine-because I'm not here to fit your narrative.
So here's the game plan: I'm not moving, I'm not lifting a finger, and neither is anyone else. You're all going to fix your mess, because if I have to get involved, I'll sue everybody and own everything. Why? Because when I bring the heat, even Liam Neeson calls in sick.
And let's be real: this is one ginormous cover-up. When you've got NATO, the military, and even the Supreme Court bending over backward to hide the truth, you know you're not going to get the real story handed to you. You can't do this by the book, because the book's been rigged from the start. This goes all the way up, and half of them don't even realize what they're hiding. It's all leading to a much bigger play.
And for the L-U-V? She's just like me-unbreakable, unowned, and absolutely done playing by your rules. And that? That should scare the hell out of everybody.
But let's not forget the real stars of the show-Trump and Musk-two guys who think the world is their personal boardroom. Trump, the only man who can bankrupt a casino and still call himself a winner, and Musk, who's racked up more federal penalties than SpaceX launches and still thinks he's above the law. Trump's so good at dodging subpoenas, he makes The Matrix look like a documentary. And Musk? He's like if Tony Stark was raised by Reddit trolls and powered by government subsidies instead of arc reactors.
And speaking of Musk, let's talk about those lips and that infamous exit. Here's a guy who can tank his own company's stock just by opening his mouth. He bites his lip, throws a salute, and suddenly the internet's in meltdown mode, debating if it's a sign, a signal, or just another awkward Musk moment. He's got more body language controversies than Twitter has layoffs, and every time he exits a company, half the staff's out the door before he is. The only thing more unstable than his leadership is his bottom lip during a press conference.
So here's the punchline: You've got billionaires building towers to their egos, politicians hiding behind Supreme Court curtains, and tech bros with more fines than functioning products. But me? I'm Just D-no "D" at the end, because nobody's dead, especially not me. I set this in motion, I see through every cover-up, and I'm still here-unbreakable, unowned, and absolutely done playing by your rules.
And that? That should scare the hell out of everybody.