I dusted myself off and limped toward the mission desk, still smelling faintly of turnips. The BNPP had gone quiet for a blissful two minutes, which in this world was like a personal record. I made it to the mission hall, hopeful I could grab a nice, boring weed-pulling job or maybe dog-washing duty. No excitement. No airborne hairpins.
The old man at the counter looked up and grinned.
"Ah, Kaito-san. Good timing. We've got a mission just for you."
That should've been my first clue.
Ding!
Death Flag Warning: A mission to retrieve a lost ferret is being assigned at the mission desk. High chance of unexpected bear encounter.
Recommended Action:Claim sudden phobia of fur. Refuse mission. If questioned, pretend to fear eyebrows.
I stared at the notification, then at the old mission desk clerk. His friendly smile turned a little too eager.
"A… ferret mission?"
"Yep! Lady Kaede's pet ferret, Sir Nibbles, went missing in the forest. Should be a nice, easy job for you."
Easy job, my ass. I remembered the fate preview earlier. The system's odds were never wrong. If it said bear, there was going to be a bear. Possibly one trained in taijutsu. This world was stupid like that.
I cleared my throat.
"Actually, uh… I have a serious condition."
The clerk raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
BNPP Advice:Use eyebrow excuse. Proceed.
"I… uh… have a severe phobia of eyebrows."
He blinked. "Eyebrows?"
"Yep. Can't be around them. The moment I see one, full-blown panic attack. Hyperventilating. The whole works."
A long, painful silence hung in the room.
Even the other Genin in line were staring.
A Chuunin sipping tea in the corner snorted so hard he almost choked.
Ding!
Social Reputation Decreased: -5 Respect with Konoha Genin.
Worth it.
The old man scratched his head. "Well… I guess you can take the riverbank cleaning job then."
Sweet merciful ramen gods.
"Thank you, I'll take it."
Ding!
Death Flag Avoided. Current Risk Level: Low.
I stepped aside, mentally high-fiving myself. The BNPP might be an annoying piece of garbage, but it saved my life. Again.
I turned to leave when I spotted a familiar, pint-sized figure bolting toward me.
"Papa!"
Haruto came running at full speed, frog sandals slapping the ground.
My kid. Bright-eyed, loud, and already developing a worrying fascination with explosive tags. He tackled my legs like a little missile.
"Papa, guess what! I made a kunai out of sticks! It broke. So I threw the pieces at Kenji and Sensei said I have 'natural killer instincts.' I'm gonna be Hokage!"
Ding!
Minor Death Flag Detected: Haruto's unsupervised crafting project.
Recommended Action:Confiscate all sticks immediately.
I sighed. "That's great, buddy. Listen, we gotta talk about throwing sharp things at your classmates."
"But Sensei said it was 'resourceful!'"
"That's… not wrong, but still illegal."
I scooped him up and ruffled his hair. Even if this world was a death trap, having this little gremlin around made it bearable. I didn't know how I ended up with a son in this life, but I'd keep him safe, even if it meant rolling around in turnips and faking eyebrow phobias.
"C'mon, kid. Let's go clean some riverbanks."
"Yay! Can I bring a stick?"
"No."
Ding!
Death Flag Status: Cleared for the day. Next alert scheduled tomorrow at dawn.
Sweet, sweet peace. For now.
As we walked off together, I noticed Naruto running past again in the distance. He tripped, knocked over a paint bucket, which landed on a passing dog, which startled a civilian, who nearly dropped a cart of apples onto a vendor.
I shivered.
"See that, Haruto? That's why we don't go near main characters."
"Why?"
"Because they're death magnets, son. Death magnets."
He gave me a thumbs up. "Okay, Papa."
Good kid.