"You owe me 12,000 ryo!" the furious dango lady screamed, brandishing a spatula like it was a legendary ninja blade.
I ducked behind Anko, the natural human shield.
"Protect me," I squeaked.
Anko sipped her tea. "Nah. I wanna see how this plays out."
BNPP:
Immediate Death Flag Detected.
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Pretend to faint.
"What?!"
BNPP:
Fainting decreases the chance of cranial injury by 67%.
I took a deep breath and dramatically flopped onto the floor like a sack of bricks.
Anko snorted. "You call that a faint? I've seen snails collapse better than that."
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability decreased to 21%.
Alright, not bad.
The dango lady loomed over me. "You think faking unconsciousness saves you from your bill, you freeloader?"
"Technically, if I'm dead, I can't pay," I muttered.
BNPP:
New Death Flag Detected: Potential Blunt-Force Trauma via Dango Skewer.
Anko cracked up so hard she nearly fell out of her chair.
"Tell ya what," Anko grinned. "Put it on my tab."
I blinked up at her. "Wait, really?"
She shrugged. "I like watching you squirm."
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability decreased to 5%.
Progress. Sweet, sweet progress.
The shopkeeper grumbled but left us alone.
I climbed back onto the bench, massaging my ego. "You didn't have to save me."
"I didn't. I bought your life for 12,000 ryo. You officially owe me now."
I sighed. "You'll never let me live this down, will you?"
"Nope."
Later, outside the shop
I stretched. "Alright, back to my D-rank mission."
Anko raised an eyebrow. "You're still doing those?"
"Not like anyone's lining up to team with a thirty-five-year-old Genin with no talent."
Anko thought for a moment. "Hey. You know what you need?"
"A better job? A rich uncle? A time machine?"
"A pet snake."
I blinked. "What?"
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Politely decline the snake.
"No offense, but I don't like snakes."
Anko scowled. "That's it. You're getting one."
"No, no, wait—!"
She whistled, and a small, twitchy snake with bulging eyes appeared.
"This is Hebimaru. He's yours now."
The snake stared at me. I stared back.
BNPP:
New Death Flag Detected: Snake Bite Risk 92%.
Hebimaru bared his tiny fangs.
"Oh, come on!"
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Compliment the snake.
"Uh… nice scales?"
The snake blinked. Then slithered up my arm and coiled lazily around my neck like a noodle scarf.
Anko grinned. "See? Instant friends."
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability decreased to 3%.
Okay. Fine. Maybe he wasn't so bad.
"Let's get this mission over with," I grumbled.
Anko tilted her head. "What is it, anyway?"
"Deliver a love letter to some girl named Harumi."
Anko's eyes widened. "Harumi? You poor soul."
"What? Why?"
"She's… um… complicated."
Before I could ask, Hebimaru hissed and pointed his tail like a tiny snake arrow.
"There. That's her house."
I approached the door, feeling a cold sweat break out.
BNPP:
New Death Flag Detected: Heartbreak-Related Fatality Potential 62%.
I knocked.
A giant man with biceps bigger than my head answered.
"Yes?"
"Uh… letter for Harumi?"
The man scowled. "I'm Harumi."
Oh no.
BNPP:
Immediate Death Flag: Mistaken Gender Situation.
Anko burst out laughing from behind a fence.
"I warned you!" she howled.
I slapped the letter into Harumi's massive hand. "Compliments from your admirer. Bye!"
I bolted.
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability dropped to 0%.
Sweet merciful Hokage.
Back at my house
I collapsed onto my floor. Haruto peeked in. "Dad, you smell like dango and fear."
"Good."
He shrugged and left to draw another buff squirrel.
BNPP:
Daily Death Flag Cycle Complete.
I exhaled.
Another day survived.
Barely.
Tomorrow? Another death flag.
Another dumb suggestion.
Another chance to cheat fate by being just clever — or stupid — enough to live through it.
I sighed, staring at Hebimaru as he napped on my shoulder.
"Welcome to the family, noodle."
The snake farted.
I passed out.