Keldric froze. Every muscle locked in place.
Right. Boss fight. Already. No tutorial. No starter village. Straight to the pain.
This is it. This is where I die.
Horribly.
Probably in some embarrassing way that'll get turned into a cautionary tale.
'And here lies Keldric, the protagonist who finally got his wish, and then lasted exactly five minutes before getting eaten!'
The rustling intensified. Branches snapped. Leaves scattered.
Deep breaths. You've read this scene a thousand times. Classic first encounter.
Well... going of my luck, and everything else so far. It's probably some ancient demon. Or a dragon. Definitely something that's way above my skill level.
The bushes parted.
A small skeleton emerged. Dramatically. Arms raised in classic villain pose.
Maybe three feet tall. Wearing a tiny tattered cloak that looked suspiciously like a tea towel.
"MWAHAHAHA!" The skeleton's voice echoed with theatrical menace. "THE ANCIENT PROPHECY COMES TO PASS! THE DESTINED HERO HAS—"
"Wait, what?" Keldric interrupted, blinking rapidly. "You're... tiny."
The skeleton paused mid-dramatic gesture. "I'm perfectly sized for intimidation, thank you very much!"
"And is that a tea towel?"
"It's a CLOAK OF DARKNESS!" Bones huffed, adjusting the clearly domestic fabric. "Very scary. Very mysterious."
"Right." Keldric rubbed his temples. "So where's the ancient demon? The dragon?"
Bones tilted his skull. "Oh! That was just me practicing my entrance. Pretty good, right? I've been working on the voice projection for WEEKS!"
What. How.
This is not how the stories go. Where's my epic first boss battle?
Instead I get... whatever this is.
Wait! What am I thinking. Why would I want that? I don't even think I could defeat a slime! Probably not even this miniature skeleton in front of me!
The tiny skeleton beamed. It's bones miraculously moving, as if it was skin.
"Did the dramatic entrance work?" A bump where the eyebrow would be, slid up. A face of questioning formed.
"I was going for 'mysterious and terrifying' but approachable. You know?"
Oh. Oh no. I recognise this trope.
Tutorial companion. The wise guide who explains the world and teaches the protagonist. Except...
Except this one seems. Well. Less wise... and more... idiotic.
The tiny skeleton straightened. Attempted a formal bow. Nearly toppled over.
"Ahem. Allow me to properly introduce myself." It struck another dramatic pose. "I am Bones, Guardian of Ancient Wisdom and Guide to Destined Heroes!"
"Guardian of Ancient Wisdom?" Keldric repeated flatly. "You? Three feet tall. Tea towel cloak?"
"Hey! This cloak has seen many battles!"
"Against what? Dust bunnies?"
Bones's jaw dropped indignantly. "I'll have you know I've defeated countless... well... okay, fine, mostly dust bunnies. But also some very aggressive spiders!"
"And I have waited here for many moons!" Bones declared. "Through sun and storm! Through darkness and—"
He paused. Scratched his skull sheepishly.
"Well. Actually three days. But they felt like moons! Very long moons. With lots of... moon-like waiting."
"But the signs were unmistakable! The sacred texts foretold your arrival!" Bones continued, pulling out what looked suspiciously like a comic book. "A hero would emerge in this very clearing!"
Keldric squinted. "Is that... Captain Amazing's Guide to Heroic Destiny?"
"It's a SACRED TEXT!"
"I literally own that comic. Issue seventeen. The one where he fights the Galactasaurus of Doom."
Bones clutched the comic protectively. "It contains valuable hero identification protocols!"
Of course it does.
"And these protocols told you I'm the legendary hero?"
"The signs were unmistakable!" Bones gestured excitedly. "First, dramatic arrival through mystical means. Check! Second, confused awakening in sacred grove. Check! Third, distinctive aura of protagonist energy!"
"Protagonist energy." Keldric stared. "You can detect protagonist energy."
"Absolutely! You've got that whole 'confused but determined' vibe. Classic hero material!"
This skeleton thinks I'm the real deal based on a comic book and my 'vibe.'
Should I tell him about my stats? My complete lack of heroic qualifications?
Actually... maybe having someone believe in me isn't the worst thing right now.
"Right. So what happens next in your sacred text?"
Bones's eye sockets gleamed. "Epic battles! Character development! And most importantly..." He leaned in conspiratorially. "A loyal sidekick to guide the hero's journey!"
Right. Loyal sidekick.
This is going to be interesting. Very, very interesting.
"So!" Bones clapped his little skeletal hands together. "Ready to begin your legendary quest, oh chosen hero?"
Keldric looked around the forest clearing. At the tiny skeleton with his tea towel cloak and comic book prophecy. At his complete lack of better options.
"Do I have a choice?"
"Technically, yes! But choosing 'no' would make for a very short story."
Did he just... break the fourth wall? Or is that more cartoon logic?
"Now then!" Bones rubbed his skeletal hands together enthusiastically. "Time for the traditional Hero Assessment Interview!"
"The what now?"
"Standard procedure! I need to know what legendary powers you possess. What magical abilities? What mystical artifacts?" Bones's eye sockets practically sparkled. "The sacred texts are very specific about proper documentation."
Oh crap. Here we go.
He wants me to demonstrate my legendary abilities. My amazing skills. My incredible power.
All of which are either terrible or completely empty.
Keldric shifted uncomfortably. "Well, you see... it's complicated..."
"Ooh! Mysterious sealed powers? Classic! Are they locked away by ancient curses? Divine restrictions? The power too great for mortal form?"
Or they're just garbage. But let's go with mysterious.
"Something like that." Keldric winced internally. "Most of my abilities are... still developing."
"Of course! The hero's journey involves unlocking hidden potential!" Bones nodded sagely. "But surely you must have at least one signature ability? Every hero has a calling card!"
Die of Desperate Measures. It's the only thing that actually works.
And honestly? It's pretty impressive when it manifests. Big floating D20 of mystical power.
Maybe I can show that without explaining the 'desperate measures' part.
"I suppose I could show you one thing," Keldric said carefully.
Bones practically vibrated with excitement. "Yes! legendary power!"
Keldric concentrated. Die of Desperate Measures. Activate!
POP!
The translucent D20 materialised above his palm. Twenty sides catching the forest light. Magic crackling around its edges.
Bones's jaw literally dropped. Clattered against the ground.
"A MYSTICAL ARTIFACT OF FATE!" he shrieked, immediately dropping into a dramatic bow. "The legendary Die of Destiny! The Cosmic Cube of Possibility!"
"Uh. Sure. Let's go with that."
"This is incredible! A true artifact of power! The ability to call upon the very forces of chance itself!" Bones looked up from his bow with stars in his eye sockets. "You really ARE the legendary hero!"
Well. At least someone's impressed.
"It's... quite powerful," Keldric said, trying to sound confident. "But I have to use it strategically. Can't just throw it around carelessly."
"Of course! Great power comes great responsibility! The sacred texts are very clear on this point!"
Keldric dismissed the die.
POP!
"Incredible!" Bones was practically bouncing. "A hero with genuine mystical artifacts! This is going to be the best adventure ever!"
Right. As long as he never finds out about the rest of my 'legendary' abilities.
Or my stats.
Or how the die actually works.
"Now Hero! Time for proper hero training! Can't have you going into battle unprepared!"
Bones struck a dramatic pose. Fist raised to the sky. "First lesson! Heroes ALWAYS announce their special attacks! Maximum dramatic impact!"
"Announce them?" Keldric blinked. "Doesn't that... warn the enemy?"
"Exactly! Fair play! Gives them a sporting chance!" Bones nodded enthusiastically. "Like this!"
He pointed dramatically at a nearby tree. "BONE CRUSHER SUPREME SLAM!"
Waited...
Nothing happened. The tree remained thoroughly... indifferent.
"See? Proper form! Style points are crucial!"
Style points. He's worried about style points in actual combat.
"Second lesson!" Bones continued, oblivious to Keldric's growing horror. "Never hit an enemy when they're down! Always give them a chance to surrender!"
"Even if they're trying to kill me?"
"ESPECIALLY then! Heroes show mercy! It's the heroic way! We make them see their wrongdoings."
This is how people die. This is literally how heroes get murdered in the stories where they're too nice.
"Third!" Bones was on a roll now. "'Talk No Jutsu' The power of friendship can overcome ANY obstacle! No matter how impossible!"
He gestured grandly. "Friendship speeches! Inspiring monologues about working together! Gets 'em every time!"
"Gets who?"
"The enemies! They'll see the error of their ways! Join our cause! Become valued allies!"
He genuinely believes this. He actually thinks evil monsters will have character development moments if we're nice enough.
Bones demonstrated several heroic poses. Each more ridiculous than the last.
"This one's for inspiring courage! This one's for dramatic entrances! And THIS one..." He struck an elaborate stance. "This one's for when you need to look really, really cool!"
I'm going to die...
But... actually... some of this isn't completely wrong. The friendship thing? That's a real trope. Redemption arcs happen all the time in isekai stories. The announcing attacks. Standard fantasy. BUT not hitting them when they're down? Guess we are going PG...
"Right," Keldric said carefully. "These are... interesting tactics."
"Aren't they? I learned them from the greatest heroes of all time!"
"Let me guess. More sacred texts?"
"The most sacred! Myotisman, Captain Pedronis, even the legendary Bronze Man!"
Cartoon characters. His entire heroic philosophy is based on cartoon characters.
This should be terrifying. But somehow... there's something kind of endearing about his complete faith in doing the right thing.
Even if his methods are completely mental.
"Now!" Bones straightened up, his demeanor shifting to something almost professional. "Time for your official mission briefing!"
Here we go. The moment of truth.
"According to the sacred prophecies..." He pulled out another comic. This one looked even more battered. "The chosen hero must embark upon a legendary quest!"
"Let me guess. Save the world?"
"EXACTLY!"
"Defeat the Demon King! Restore balance to the realm! Bring peace to all the land!"
Classic setup. Demon King final boss. Standard isekai plot structure.
"It is written that only the true hero can complete this task!" Bones declared. "And that's you! Obviously!"
"Obviously," Keldric repeated weakly.
"The journey will be filled with trials! Challenges! Character development opportunities!" Bones was practically vibrating with excitement. "We'll visit mysterious dungeons! Meet colorful companions! Face our deepest fears!"
"And I'll be there every step of the way! As your loyal guide and moral support! Like Myotisman and Petroica"
"This Demon King," Keldric said. "How exactly am I supposed to defeat him? In the stories, heroes usually have legendary weapons. Ancient magic. Divine blessings."
"You've got something better!" Bones pointed at him. "You've got heart! Determination! The power of friendship!"
"And if that doesn't work?"
"It will! It always works! The good guys always win!"
I'm actually doomed.
"So what's the first step?" Keldric asked.
"Adventure preparation! We need supplies! Information! A base of operations!" Bones tapped his skull thoughtfully. "The nearest town should have everything we need!"
"You know where the nearest town is?"
"Of course! Heroes always start their journey by going to town! It's basic quest structure!"
He's not wrong. That is literally how every isekai story begins.
"Right then. Town it is."
"Excellent! Our grand adventure begins!" Bones struck another dramatic pose. "Together, we shall face whatever challenges await!"
Together. When's the last time I had a 'together'?
Even if my companion is a tiny cartoon-obsessed skeleton, at least he wants to be here.
At least someone believes I can be a hero.
Even if I'm pretty sure we're both going to die horribly.
"Lead the way, Guardian of Ancient Wisdom."
"With pleasure, Chosen Hero!"
And so, with absolutely no idea what they were doing, the worst hero-sidekick combination in history set off toward their destiny.
This is either going to be the greatest adventure of all time, or the shortest.
Probably the shortest.
Definitely the shortest.