More days passed.
Over time, I had become a bit more functional.
I was able to go to class like normal.
Complete my work like normal.
Talk like normal.
Live like normal.
However, I still wasn't able to stay in cafeteria at lunch time with the others
And I still couldn't play the piano the way I wanted to.
So my interactions with the others were very few.
I was alone.
"Ah!"
My vision suddenly shook as I tripped over an empty can.
Fortunately, I managed to balance myself before I fell to the floor.
'I should've been paying more attention…'
Sighing, I continued on my walk to school.
**
As I sat in my 2nd period science class, my attention drifted from the lesson.
Instead, I gazed out the window.
'That bird…it's hurt.'
Tracking a bird that soared through the sky, I noticed that its wings twitched and it fell slightly after every few moments.
After a couple of seconds, the bird disappeared, flying off into the unknown.
And when it did, I no longer had a distracter for my thoughts.
'Grandpa…'
My chest tightened as usual.
Having my thoughts drift to my grandfather was an average thing by then.
But another thought came. One that I hadn't come up before.
'Was there anything I could've done to save grandpa?'
With that thought, a door to thousands of other thoughts opened.
'If I told grandpa to wait till I got home so I could help with the garden, would he still have a stroke?'
I bit my lip.
'If I paid more attention to his health, could I have prolonged his life?'
My eyes became unfocused.
'If I asked about his past more, could I have figured out how to prevent his stroke?'
My throat turned dry.
'Is grandpa's death…all my fault?'
That single, devastating thought crushed me.
Soon I felt my eyes getting watery causing me to wipe them with my shirt sleeve.
Not wanting to be seen, I excused myself to go to the bathroom.
Once I entered, I was relieved to see that the room was empty.
I took a moment to stand in front of the mirror and observe myself.
My hair was normal with no specific style or noticeable flaws.
My uniform was ironed properly and my expression was calm, if not slightly solemn.
My eyes, however, were empty. Drained, even.
No, it's more like they were filled with so much it only seemed like nothing was there.
Unfortunately, I couldn't hide my eyebags either. They weren't large but were noticeable if you stared for a few seconds.
I sighed.
'I feel like a mess…'
I tried changing my thoughts. I tried to replace my previous questions with solemn complaints.
If I could do that, the pain would be just a bit more bearable.
But I couldn't.
'If I could just go back…if I could just change one thing…'
As the number of what-if's grew, my suffering grew along with it.
Again and again, I reflected upon each mistake.
And again and again, my soul was crushed.
**
The bell chimed, signaling the end of the school day.
When it did, I gathered my things and walked.
I walked out of the classroom, out of the school, and kept on walking.
As I walked, I texted my father I was going to be back late.
And so I walked, for a little while.
That walking allowed me to have a clear mind.
Eventually though, I reached my destination.
A playground. The playground I used to go to a lot when I was younger with Ash.
Absent-mindedly, I walked over to the swings and sat down.
On those swings, I reminisced.
The times where I walked passed this park with my grandfather, the times where he pushed me on the swings.
The time he chased Ash and I down the slides.
'Oh…yeah. I didn't tell Ash yet…'
I had yet to inform her of my grandfather's passing.
Maybe I never would.
I didn't want to have to tell anyone. To do anything.
'If I just…if I just spent more time with him…would it still hurt this much?'
I wanted answers.
I didn't want answers.
Glancing around, I noticed a can that was about to roll into a drain.
'I've got to stop.'
I didn't know why but I felt the urge to save that can.
Getting up, I ran as fast as I could.
Yet, I wasn't fast enough.
The can still fell down the drain.
Right at that moment, I felt tears well up in my eyes.
'Why? Why am I crying?'
It was just a can.
So why did it hurt so much?
'If I could've just saved that can…'
If I could've just saved my grandfather…
I couldn't save anything.
And that shattered me.