10/01 12:08am
One day I will stop making the effort for you and move on from you. Slowly but surely I will. You're on your own if I do. Good luck and goodbye Liz. If I don't move on then I'll continue writing in here until I finally move on.
10/01 1:24AM
It's myself who I hate for not being able to find and attach myself to someone who can give me what I need. So as a survival method I chose you instead Liz. I will work on eventually forgiving you because that is what I want. I am doing whatever the fuck I want in hoping to achieve that somehow. You can fill in the dots and play stupid guessing games based on what you know of me to try and fulfill the condition in making it easier for me to forgive you but idk idc you do you and I am tired of having to explain every single detail out for you. I want to focus on me, myself, and I for once but sometimes I just can not fucking do that and I hate myself for it.
10/01 3am
What do I want you to do in order for me to forgive you eventually.
10/01 12pm
I never felt comfortable communicating to you about this. Dude every time I try, you emotionally withdraw which triggers my anxiety. Pull-push ahhh friendship we had, was fucking annoying to deal with and I secretly knew it was unhealthy all this time but I couldn't afford losing you out of survival. I probably made you think our friendship was peaceful and that everything was okay because I couldn't afford losing you. Like dawg I never had a healthy friendship where someone gave a shit about me. Everyone just took advantage of me left and right. If you are the only healthy friendship I have then I'm obviously going to hold onto a very tight grip on our friendship even if it hurted me because I truly didn't have another choice. Which is why I never felt comfortable letting you go until I finally found the people I needed. When I say you were everything to me, you were literally all I had and no one else at the time and for around 3 years 💀💀💀💀💀. My life is a lot tougher and harder than I thought it was LMFAO. I'm so Tohru Honda coded, never tell others how much I'm suffering and they never know and other people need to point it out to them. Like bro Liz, what would you do if you were in my position? Surely you have experienced what I did in the past so surely you must understand right? 🤔I feel like you are the only one who understands this which is why I am so strongly emotionally attached to you. You're going to need to give me details because I struggle to understand you summarizing all you wanted to say. So yeah honestly I would have preferred the longer and detailed response you had written up. I'm not an xNxJ liz, I can't understand your xNxJ way of communication where it is straight to the point. I can't connect the dots together, you're going to have to show me your entire thought process like I am currently doing or else my brain will automatically assume you don't make as much effort as I do. My new best friend is an INTJ and they help me understand your INFJ brain better. So can you please meet me half way and compromise with me by putting it all in details because I need details and everything for my ESFJ brain to understand you better. Again I am not an xNxJ Liz, I can't change myself to better adapt to you and you have been accustomed to me putting up a mask around you and I never expressed my needs and we had to play stupid guessing games with guessing each other's needs. If I was an ENFJ then I could naturally adapt to what you're saying much easier. Yes it takes a lot of work for us to understand each other better and this is normal. So if you choose to not take the time and effort and compromise with me, then I will be severely disappointed in you and be disappointed that you are not the kind person that I thought you were and that you are the same horrible person as everyone who has neglected and mistreated me. And if you choose to ghost me then I will never forgive you and will forever hate you. Ghosting is an extremely selfish behavior in my honest opinion and I don't like ghosting others so show me the same courtesy as I have given you by not ghosting me Liz or are you as disappointing as everyone else in my life who loves to take advantage of me? You need to earn my trust by showing it in action here, your words and you begging me to believe you is not what I need to hear in hopes of me choosing to forgive you. Obviously I am showing you through action and through this entire document of how much I care? What about you? All you do to show how much you care for me is just saying "yeah I care" okay so show it better??? Are you one of those man child people Liz? Because you sure act like one right now in my perspective. Go ahead and not take the time nor effort to return my care as I have done for you because that means you are just much of a horrible and selfish people as the people you hate and that is how I think of you Liz. Are you really fine with me thinking you're just a selfish individual who only cares about herself and never cares for others? If you choose this, you are showing me and yourself why people tend to leave you and hate you often and realistically if you try to make new friends then you will be stuck in this cycle and could take you years until you find someone as kind as me to help you out. So go ahead and reject my offer of you compromising with me because from what I observed of you action wise, you are not doing your job. You genuinely remind me of those men ™ where they want folks to mother them. I am not your mother Liz, yes I have the mom personality because I'm an ESFJ and I'm like Tohru Honda but I am truly beyond exhausted of people not appreciating me and not returning the effort as I do for others. So be the Yuki to my Tohru and make the effort to compromise with me or are you like season 1-3 Akito where you will beat me up and I have to withstand it? Prove it to me that you are like Yuki and not Akito.
How I feel about you right now:
[An image of Yoo Joonghyuk from Omnscients' Readers Viewpoint is shown. Yoo Joonghyuk is holding Kim Dokja by neck and says "I see, so your answer?]
I will be using YJH images to better express myself. You are a potential enemy to me Liz right now and you are not worthy of my forgiveness unless you change and grow. So stand on my level or I will never forgive you.
12:21pm
No I will not organize this document for you to understand better, you're lucky you're receiving me being able to make all this damn effort for you in the first place. Don't take me for granted. All I say is for myself and not for you because you literally can't return my efforts for you 😒.
6:13pm
Fyi I have delayed processing speed because I'm intellectually disabled. That is why i may need things repeated.
3:43pm
I need you to specifically say how long you will take to process all of this, you give too vague instructions and I need mother fucking details. I am constantly cursing and hating on your ass because you can't give me what I need when I specifically fucking told you how and LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUCKING WORK IM DOING FOR YOU IN THIS GOOGLE DOCS. MY FUCKING GOD, MY ANGER IS JUSTIFIED. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS ALL MY ANGER TO YOU. I will be yapping my ass off here in hopes I can move on from you. If you give a shit about me you will come to me, if you don't give a shit, then fuck you and I hope you go fuck yourself for purposefully hurting me and letting my anxiety linger on more than it needs to. I am defending myself, you know full fucking well I am like Kureno where I let everyone step over me because that was how I grew up with. If you don't give me my peace by choosing to not respond then I won't give you yours either by demanding answers from you 😂😂😂😂😂. I am fighting for me, myself and I dawg. You hurt me way worse than my 2nd ex hurted me. You hurted me by giving me a false sense of security then taking it away. You're like a parent who gives their child love and care and etc and then all of a sudden, the parent turns cold for no reason and the child has to beg and beg and constantly beg and do everything just to get their attention. That's what you are to me Liz. Choose to give a shit about me and I won't need to hate you this bad lol. Hm if we're going to be completely honest anyways. I never appreciated you sounding like you were judging me for constantly repeating things that I like. You know I love orv right? It's my special interest so please don't judge me or complain that I yap about it a lot to you. You mean a lot to me so I would yap about u my fav shit. I extended the same courtesy to you if you ever wanted to yap about ff7 or genshin ya know, or at least tried to with whatever little emotional support I could do with. I am autistic liz, please accommodate my intellectually disability for once, I am beyond exhausted of accommodating everyone in my stupid ass life because they don't understand my brain is built different than theirs 😒. It's ridiculous. You know you are the person that my 3rd ex tried to apologize to me for. My 3rd ex apologized to me and thought she hurted me worse than how my 2nd ex hurted me when I told her about it. She told me specifically "i think i did you worst than your 2nd ex, i gave you a false sense od hope and then disappointed you, for that I am sorry". Heheheheh... she didn't hurt me worst than my 2nd ex because i chose you over her. She was just the same old red flag who just happens to be less pathetic and more truthful and direct compared to my 2nd ex. You on the other hand? Oh you are the one that hurted me far worst than both my 2nd and 3rd exes combined. I clinged onto you like a hand gripping tightly on a thorned rose. I knew gripping on it would cause me bled. But I was forced into the choice of being in pain and not lonely or becoming completely alone starved of my social needs. I chose to be in complete pain and attached myself to you instead, it was what I was accustomed to anyways. I hated myself more than I hated you back then anyways, no way a piece of shit like me deserved anything better if nobody loved me. No one ever told me they want the real me. I chose you in hopes you would give me what I needed, you couldn't accomplish the role. I feel disappointed and hurt but realistically it is impossible for me to expect you to do that. Hahahah, you are like a green flag at first and while nobody sees it until later on, you are actually a red flag disguising yourself as a green flag Liz. You are not a green flag, you are a red flag and you are neglectful and only think about yourself. You think some flimsy words are enough to solve all these problems? Think again. I hate you...far worse than I hate Robin (2nd ex).... Hm maybe I will one day forgive you but not today. Hmmm let's see what I want to hear from you….if you give me what I want to hear then maybe I'll be able to forgive you. How does that sound? Oops I repeated this again, oh wells go deal with it because you haven't earned my trust and I am not required to accommodate you. You're the one who owes me….not the other way around. I need an answer to my questions. I don't mind making the effort for both of us to communicate. Ask me questions anything really….that shows you actually trying for once and growing and taking proper accountability for your actions. Ah I think I finally understand why everyone hates and leaves you.....you're a red flag disguising yourself as a green flag...ah...…no wonder...… lmfao. Yeah I don't think you have the right to complain about wanting to be loved gently when I gave you everything. What did you give me? Literally nothing bruh. You just neglected me and ignored me. Is that why your ex boyfriend left you? Maybe you're the problem and he didn't feel comfortable enough telling you because he knew you wouldn't be able to meet his needs and maybe he felt really one sided. So just like you, he chose to ghost you cuz you weren't worth his time apparently. You aren't worth my time either but im doing this for myself not for you lol. You really are like Akito aren't you? You want people to love you unconditionally but when you get that, you ask for more and don't ever give back. You think you deserve everything good but you're the red flag yourself. Redeem yourself, you have become a villainness because life was a dickbag to you and now you're here hurting people left and right. They don't want to fight you headon and when they do, its not in the way that you can understand and it's just purely insults because all of our love for you liz has turned into hate. If they are like me…..Everyone who you have conflict with hates you, they used to love you but because you are unable to get the fucking hint that something is wrong and we perceive you as not giving a shit and not making the effort for us. So for their sakes and for my own, I will be the hero who makes you understand what the fuck you're doing wrong and why so you don't avoid hurting people in the future. You better fucking change, heh if you don't you will get verbally slapped in the face again anyways by any future friends you attempt to make. Maybe most people recognize that you are a villainess who can't better herself and thus they all don't want anything to do with you. You are currently not my equal, you are below me and I look down upon you. You already know why I do. Don't punish yourself either, we're the ones punishing you already for what you're doing. If you think you need gentle love, work on your relationship with yourself first. Give yourself that first, don't be stupid and unrealistic and be like everyone and their mom and their grandma where they ignorantly think they have to get their needs from others because they lack the knowledge themselves to know what their needs are cuz this is a greedy selfish cruel world. I am unable to empathize with you as you already know why. I see you as someone unworthy of my respect and thus I hate you currently…. All my love that is the same had a lot of resentment....has now turned into hate. Stop making this situation worst for yourself and do your fucking job, you're like that one person who doesn't do anything and the entire group has to pick up the slack and has to fulfill the job you were expected to do. This is why social isolation is bad, you don't grow if you don't communicate with others, this was what my 3rd ex was able to pick up on but you lacked that self awareness. Go stay in that shitty unproductive hole if you want Liz, I just want you to know that you yourself have a bigger influence on others than you realize and if you hate yourself that badly then you will naturally attract others who hate you too because you're accustomed to people hating on you. You will also drag people who don't want to be unproductive etc into your mental state too which is also why we hate you. You dragged all of us into your shitty mental health self punishment, we are reaping how you treat yourself. Go do your job and do better for fuck's sake. I sacrificed myself 24/7 cuz that's how my mom raised me growing up. Now I think love is me sacrificing myself 24/7 and projecting my needs onto others in hopes they can give me what I need with stupid guessing games. I'm the one who needs to figure out what I need. Others can work with me to figure it out with me too. I hope that you are truly able to meet my expectations and work with me in the process of me finally being able to forgive you and not hate you so much. You can clearly see how much I love you with a huge amount of resentment from unfulfilled needs. If you're doing whatever the fuck you want aka ghosting my ass and triggering my anxiety then im doing whatever the fuck I want.