Chapter 17 - Chapter 16: My Remembrance Meant Only Heartaches

Right… I'm sure I'm right. If I just look away from those lies, I'll have a fun time. "You can go from being the littlest to the biggest of them all." Yeah… I'll be a big kid soon. When I am a grown-up, I'll get past those thoughts or maybe those lies will just disappear… even better. I walked inside the school and it was packed… crowded… jam-packed… wait aren't they the same…? No… maybe they aren't. I don't know if it's just me but I feel a bit sick… a–and scared… just by walking in this hallway. I want to- No… I NEED to get to my safe place. I kept walking… but the more I did, the more I heard their whispers… laughters… and… and… something I can't say well. Let me be there… let me be there… let me be there. Some of the shadows looked at me… maybe weirdly… I heard a whisper, "It's him again…" almost as if… no.. it can't be… No, No, don't think like that. Just keep walking… Just keep walking…. Walking… walking, then I'll make it there. Soon, I reached my safe place… Ms.C's classroom. I did it… I've made it… Once I enter this room, I'll be happy and… and… away from whatever keeps bothering. A perfect place that is. I put my hand on the doorknob and turned it open. I was met with a sight that makes me… happy. Bright colors… so many things I can describe in this classroom that I can't even… can't even say it all at once. It's… wonderful. That's how I can say it. Then, I saw her, Ms.C! She was putting crayons and paper on the table. She saw me and the bottom of her eye rises… almost like… a smile! "Good morning, Tim!" Ms.C greeted me, "Come inside, don't be shy. I was just putting these supplies on the table for everyone." So, I listened and went inside the classroom. No longer it was sickening… but calming… I like it. Now, I'm happy... I feel safe… calm… especially around Ms.C. Those worries will just get in my way… in the way of being where I belong in not only this classroom but also at my home… in the suburbs. I walked to Ms.C and gave her a hug, which honestly she deserves. "Hi, Ms.C!" I said with a smile as my arms were wrapped around her waist. I heard her soft giggle and her caring touch as she ruffled my hair. "Haha! Oh, Tim, you're sweeter than sugar," Ms.C giggled. Now I understand why the C in her name stands for caregiver, she's really like one or more like… a caretaker. Then, I let her go. "I've missed you. How was your morning?" I asked Ms.C. Ms.C nodded at my question and answered, "It was great, thank you for asking. Yours too?" "Yeah! It was good too," I answered back. Well… maybe it wasn't that good, but now it is, since I'm here. "Well, I'm glad that yours was as great as mine, Tim," Ms.C said with glee (glee… glee?), "You can sit down at the table if you'd like." So I did, I sat down at one of the tables and when I looked at the classroom door, I saw some kids walk inside, sitting down at their tables. They seemed… happy like I am; they were chatting and laughing… no longer I heard the mean words that made me sad, but instead words that were something I could say also. So many things I could learn and do today, I can't even choose- "Lullaby of the leaves…" Where… Did that come from? What was I saying… Oh yes, there are so many things I could learn and do today, I can't even choose them. Maybe someone should decide for me. I'm… still wondering though, was my morning really good? I felt sick and scared back in that hallway- back… back… back… back… back. back means… over there, I should just leave that behind… whatever happens back there, stays there and shouldn't get in the way. "Okay, Class, Good morning and welcome back to our classroom!" Ms.C announced with delight (delight… delight… delight… what does that mean?), "Today, we'll do a special project. We are going to draw our favorite memories!" Memory… What's a memory…? That word is on the tip of my tongue but new at the same time. Was it ever a word? "Ms.C, what's memory?" I asked as I was raising my hand. "A memory is like a superpower! To remember what happened in the past." Ms.C answered. So I really am a superhero… knew it, I was meant to be a hero after all. I wanted to ask more though… What's glee? What's blass? What's peaceful? What's dawn? What's delight? What's coffee? Why do I feel like this? Was all that followed true all along? Maybe she won't be able to answer all of it, so I think it's better if I keep it to myself or ask her later. "Now, before you draw, think and plan which memory you like the most… and then you can draw it!" Ms.C instructed. As much I wanted to do what Ms.C said… I can't pick one because most of them… I think they disappeared. No, it couldn't, I have the power to remember, Ms.C said so. Right now, I have two memories I'd love to draw, me reading with Ms.C and me playing catch with my dada… and… and… that's strange… me walking on the side of the road surrounded by the forest while I carried a bottle of… medicine? I never saw a forest at home. Must've been something… maybe nothing… that was never my memory. As I was grabbing some paper that was on the center of the table, I looked around and realized… I was alone at this table… just me, my paper, and crayons. Sometimes, I like being alone but not this much. Instead of drawing a memory… I just drew my family because well… I've never seen photos of me, momma, and dada together. I think it'd be special. I drew… and colored… green… blue… brown… yellow… red… and black. I loved how it came out; it really looked a lot like them. Now… I feel… happy and ready to show it to my classmates. I wonder how they'll feel. I was lost in that project until I heard a voice. "Hey, Tim," The voice said. I looked around and saw one of the kids sitting next to me… I think this one is… Max. "Oh… Hey, Max," I greeted back with a small smile. "Why didn't you come to our table? I was hoping you could come," Max asked. "I'm sorry," I responded, "I just… like sitting alone sometimes." Max was silent for a bit before nodding and replying, "I suppose that's fine, I can't blame you. It really does help you focus a bit. I had a great morning, what about you?" I was silent for a moment just like he was. My morning… my morning… My morning? It's great… now that I am here… I'm sure of it. "It was pretty good," I answered back and went back to coloring. Coloring… Coloring… Coloring… how much I loved it the same as drawing. Coloring… just makes me relax, well not as much as Ms.C makes me relaxed. Scratch… Scratch… Scratch… that's all I could hear to the point that I forgot my friend was sitting next to me. I… like it here. "Did you know what memory is?" I asked Max but he shook his head and answered, "No, not really. I'm surprised it's a superpower that you and I have. To be honest, my favorite memory is my first Christmas party." I nodded at his answer. A Christmas party does sound and spells out… fun. opening presents that were under the Christmas tree, eating choccy-chip cookies with that warm milk, and… and… I guess that was it. I felt something… something buzzing on my arm, so I took a look at my right hand, and I saw… a bracelet? It had wooden beads and it spelled out my name… Tim. That's my name, a really great name. Did I always have it on? "You've been wearing that since the day you came, I guess you really like it," Max said to me before he stood up, "Welp… I'm going back to my table, just… come along with me during recess." Max left the table and now I was alone… silent… ever since those thoughts hit me- "Cradle me where southern skies can watch me with a million eyes…" Stop… Can it stop for at least once… I just want peace and… and… silence. Soon, I finished my coloring and drawing. The perfect family picture… I imagine this being hung up in my house right now. "That's a nice drawing, Tim. What is it about?" Ms.C asked me. I turned my head and looked up to her. "Oh, it's about my family, how they're always there for me," I answered, "They're one of the memories I have." Ms.C nodded, she seemed happy with my answer. To think about… maybe they're one of the only things I have. "That's great, Tim! Your family will always be there for you, even when you're far away, right in your heart," Ms.C replied. No wonder why my heart hurts a bit. All that noise and imagination makes me want to close my eyes… Maybe, I should wait a little while to see which things I think of… were wrong and right. "You know, you're done early. You can draw a bit more since I know you really love drawing like I used to," Ms.C told me before patting my shoulder and went to talk to the others. I grabbed two pieces of paper and continued drawing… I love it… I love it very much. Scribble… Scribble… and Scribble. Those things that came up to me… how am I supposed to tell which is right or wrong? they all felt… really wrong. No… don't think that… just keep drawing… drawing… and everything will turn out okay at the end. I just scribbled random things, anything that could make me smile. But one of these drawings, it wasn't random, I really mean it, and that was a drawing of me, Ms.C, Nyx, and Max. Unlike all that noise… Her, Nyx, Max, and my parents were the ones who were so clear to me. Then, it was time to present, the students went up one by one, showing off the memories I don't think I've had once. "I remember when I used to go to this fun theme park!" One kid said. Another said, "I remember when my parents helped me out by putting a bandage on my boo-boo!" One… after one… they showed off not only their drawings but their superpower to remember what happened before… it's not fair. "Okay, Tim, you're up next!" Ms.C called me. I stood up with my drawing of my parents and walked to the front of the classroom. "Hello… M-my drawing is me and my parents for always being there for me when I need them most," I described before I held up the drawing. The class looked at my drawing and clapped. I kinda needed that really… I made a small smile. "Good job, Tim! You may sit down now," Ms.C told me. I walked back to my table, still having that small smile until… I looked at the drawing of me, Ms.C, Nyx, and Max. Deeply, I looked into it, and only doing that just made me feel like crying. I-I felt… felt… felt… dang it, what I was looking for? I felt… love. That's right… I felt love… but why?