Your pov
"I thought you got tired of me." I finally uttered the words that had haunted me since the moment he walked away.
"Why would I get tired of you? That's impossible." Jungkook's eyes rolled as if I had just suggested the most ludicrous idea imaginable.
"I wouldn't have pleaded with you to sedate me if I thought of you as boring or annoying. I knew exactly what that meant. When I said I didn't want to wake up, I meant it for the rest of my life. Do you honestly believe I didn't understand what I was saying? I didn't ask you because it just happened to be you; it was because it was YOU."
"I completely entrusted myself to you. Why do you think I did that? Do you honestly believe I would ask this kind of favor from just anyone? You should know better than that, given who I am. And it isn't just about that… I..."
His words trailed off as he bit his lip thoughtfully, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. He inhaled deeply before pulling me back into his warm embrace.
In that moment, happiness fluttered in my chest. I could feel the trust he had in me radiating from him. I understood his feelings, yet a creeping fear lurked in the corners of my mind—fear that everything would inevitably change with the passage of time. Hearing him voice these thoughts now instilled a flicker of confidence in me. I needed to hear him speak like this, but how did he always seem to know what to say? It felt like he knew the depths of my soul, yet, at the same time, it was as if he was just scratching the surface. Perhaps we were both tangled in our own insecurities.
A smile spread across my face as he pressed his face into the crook of my neck, enveloping me in a warmth that both comforted and excited me. I loved how he held me—tight, as if I were a lifeline he didn't want to lose. His scent was intoxicating and familiar, and I realized I could never grow tired of him, or of nurturing him. He was like a drug I craved, and I longed for him to depend on me, solely me. It was selfish, I knew, but if he were to discover that truth, he might turn away from me.
"Even if you knew that you were going to hear me ramble? I went on and on—about everything and nothing at all, about so many trivial things. You didn't really have a choice but to endure my chattering..."
"Y/N, stop." Jungkook chuckled softly, a melodic sound that made my heart race as he cupped my face in his hands. His touch was warm, sending tremors through my heart. I could hardly tear my gaze from his eyes—those deep, penetrating pools that seemed to hold a universe of emotions. I could see his suffering reflected back at me, the immense fear that constantly loomed over him. But mingling with that fear was a warmth, a light—something new that I had never witnessed before.
Since when had that light been there? Should I dare to hope?
"It wasn't my first experience in that condition. My mind may have been clouded, but I was always vaguely aware of my surroundings, never completely lost. Even when them took my place, a part of me remained anchored in reality. If I was ready to give up on my own life, don't you think that a life with you would be far more worthwhile?"
"Plus, we never truly had our time together. Because of me—because of my fears, my cowardice—we never even got the chance to know one another. How much time did we really have? A few fleeting days? How much did we actually converse? Just a handful of hours? I can count those moments on one hand. Yet in these past two years, I've come to know you a little better, thanks to that 'mumbling' of yours. There has never been a second where I wished to be anywhere else but in your arms. Does that make my intentions clear enough for you? I will never tire of hearing what you have to say."
I placed my hands over his, which still rested on my cheeks, holding him tightly as if I could shield us both from the outside world. "So... does this mean you won't run away? No matter what I say or what I do? You'll stay with me?"
"I'm scared, Y/N. Thinking about what might happen to you because of me..."
"But it's my choice! You can't dictate what's best for me without consulting me first. You have no idea what I need. So stop what you're doing. Stop trying to protect me. Stop pushing me away. I want to be here. If I were to never see you again for the rest of my life, I would prefer to vanish altogether. That is my only fear."
I felt his fingers tremble against my skin the moment those words escaped my lips.
Damn it, girl, you're going to frighten him.
I hadn't meant to reveal so much. It had slipped out, driven by the overwhelming tide of feelings I harbored for him. They had grown uncontrollably, and now that he was finally right here, awake and present, holding them inside felt like an unbearable torture. Everything had shifted; I couldn't express my feelings for him as freely as before. In the past, when his mind was clouded, I could have gently run my fingers through his hair or stolen a soft kiss now and then. But now, with clarity between us, I didn't know how to survive this tension.
Yet I had to hold back, no matter the cost. If I didn't, he might come to resent me. If he saw the depth of my desire for him, he would think I was just like everyone else who had hurt him, and he would leave me. And then what would I be left with? What would I do without him?"
"I am sorry. Forget it. I have started to say stupid things again. " I said as I ran my fingers through his hair bringing his forehead against mine.
"It's late. I want to see you sleep. I will stay with you, ok? I will come back right away after I change my clothes."
Jungkook nodded, his dark eyes never leaving my face. I smiled before kissing his forehead quickly.
***
As I opened the door to his bedroom, a soft smile crept onto my face at the sight before me. There he was, sprawled out on one side of the bed, a pillow nestled between his arms as if he were holding onto something precious. His eyes were closed, and for a moment, the room was filled with a peaceful silence that enveloped us both.
I could not help but wrinkle my nose in disgust as I glanced down at myself, realizing I was stuck in Jennie's ridiculous yellow pajamas. Mingyu had practically forced me into them, insisting it was better than me sleeping in just my underwear. With Jungkook around, I had to play it safe; there was no room for recklessness anymore.
It struck me how long it had been since I had the freedom to slip into bed as I used to, clad only in my own skin. A grin slipped onto my lips at the thought; I had no doubt Jungkook would have had a panic attack if he had seen me so carefree and exposed.
With deliberate slowness, I moved towards him, the sheets rustling quietly beneath me as I sat on the edge of the bed, my eyes fixated on his face. He stirred, slowly opening his eyes, and searched for my gaze as if trying to read my thoughts.
"It took you long enough. Don't tell me you chickened out," he teased, but there was something deeper in his gaze, something wild and sparkling with mischief. It made my cheeks flush, a burning heat spreading across my skin.
He watched my reaction with that wicked grin of his, a devilish delight apparent in his expression. His words may have been lighthearted, yet they struck a chord within me— like a bullseye hitting my very core. The idea of sleeping next to him sent an exhilarating wave of nerves coursing through me. I had barely managed to coax myself out of the bathroom.
"Was I right?" he pressed, his grin widening.
The heat of my blush intensified, flooding my face with an unmistakable warmth.
"I missed this," he whispered as his fingers traced my cheek, gentle and deliberate.
Our past felt so distant yet raw—it had been years since we shared something like this, since we'd nestled together after running away from Seoul. The contrast between then and now was painfully evident. Sleeping next to a sedated Jungkook had felt so safe and soothing, whereas this was full of uncertainty. My skin buzzed with a heady mix of fear and excitement, reminiscent of those nights when I would drift off in his arms, before everything changed with the incident involving Jinyoung.
As I settled under the blanket beside him, my heart raced against what felt like a wall of warmth radiating from his body. I closed my eyes, trying to gather my thoughts.
"So that's it?" Jungkook's voice broke through my thoughts, followed by a gentle laugh.
I opened my eyes, turning my head to find him propped up on his elbow, his chin resting in the palm of his hand, studying me with a curious gaze. "You know, I kinda expected you to hold me and kiss me just like you used to every night. What changed? Don't tell me you suddenly became shy."
His smile, though charming, felt forced, and I could sense the underlying disappointment in his eyes. It twisted a knot in my stomach as I grappled with the weight of our history.
Of course, I couldn't just throw myself at him like I used to. Everything had shifted since those tender moments when he'd been able to feel my touch without pain. What were the boundaries now? What did I mean to him? And what was he to me? I was caught in an overwhelming confusion.
"I thought… I thought I wasn't allowed," I finally managed. "In the past… my touch always brought you pain. And…"
Before I could finish, he quickly grasped my hand and placed it against his cheek. "I think you've forgotten our last days together when I was awake. If I remember correctly, I liked this," he murmured, slowly closing his eyes, guiding my hand down his jawline with a tenderness that made my heart flutter. "After all those years of your touch, I kinda got used to it. Do you have any idea how my nights were without it? How I craved for your warmth? You better give that to me, or I will force you to."
A smile crept back onto my lips; he was right. I did remember how he had welcomed my touch, how he had reveled in our closeness.
But then my gaze drifted to an irritating hickey on the side of his neck, and my smile crumbled. Things had changed. After his awakening, the two conflicting sides of him seemed to meld together, allowing him to hear only their thoughts. It indicated progress, but there was still a distance between us that I didn't know how to bridge. Why had he allowed that girl to touch him? The two contrasting aspects of his personality—the playboy and the brooding bad boy—had coexisted within him, and it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to discern who he was now.
His head tilted in a way that made me weak, invoking a sweetness that was almost overwhelming. My heart was racing, caught in a storm of emotions I could barely contain. Why did he have to be so disarming? His very presence made me feel like a stranger in my own body.
With resolve, I placed my other hand on his chest, coaxing him gently until he lay flat on his back. Then, I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, pulling him close.
I love you. Do you know how much I love you? I would do anything you ask of me. Doesn't that terrify you?
I shouldn't let myself go, not now. Losing control was not an option. But his proximity made everything complicated.
I felt his arms encircle my waist, his heartbeat quickening against my own. "Why can't I get enough of you? Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? How your presence makes me feel? Why do I care so much about you? I can't stop thinking about you," he confessed, vulnerability flickering in his eyes.
I pulled back slightly, our gazes intertwining, yet I was taken aback. I had no idea he felt this way—he couldn't just say things like that and expect me to remain unfazed. My emotions were teetering on the edge of explosion, a tempest brewing within. Fear gripped me.
He brushed his fingers tenderly up my cheek and swept a strand of hair away from my face, his forehead resting gently against mine as if to anchor us both in this moment.
"Why did you let her talk to you like that?" he asked suddenly, his voice laced with a mix of concern and something else that I couldn't quite place. My eyes widened, caught off guard by his unexpected question.
**Flashback**
"I can tell you think that Jungkook and I only had a physical relationship. But it was so much more than that. These past few days, we've grown closer than you can possibly imagine," she said, her voice laced with a hint of satisfaction as she gazed at me.
"He told me you were always a headache. He said he couldn't touch you the same way he touches me. He doesn't find you attractive enough to engage in this kind of intimacy. In truth, he can't envision being that close to you. Did you know he feels pity for you? After all, you've invested four years of your life in him. He truly feels sorry for you."
"Why are you sharing this with me? It doesn't matter to me if you two are together," I replied, trying to sound indifferent.
"You have feelings for him. It's clear as day."
"That's my problem to deal with," I shot back, my frustration bubbling under the surface.
"Don't you feel any anger? Frustration? All those years you cared for him, loved him, and in the end, he turns his back and runs into someone else's arms."
"I did everything I did because I wanted to, because I felt it in my heart. No one coerced me into this. I never expected anything in return from him. If he wants someone else, then so be it. I will respect his decision and, believe it or not, I will be happy for him. Love is not something we can command or control. I refuse to force someone to love me. I'm strong enough to accept reality as it is and move forward."
"You are incredibly annoying," she scoffed, her voice dripping with contempt.
**End of flashback**
"Did you believe her? All the things she said—did you really believe all of that?"
The question hung heavy in the air, and I found myself at a loss for words. Deep down, I couldn't deny it; I did believe her. After all, there was a mark on his skin, a testament to their shared time together. I hypothesized that they had been intimate, something that I had never experienced with him after his awakening. The unsettling thought that perhaps I didn't attract him the same way crossed my mind more times than I could count. Then, there was his complex past—a tangled web of confusion. How could I even begin to discuss this with him? Our relationship never ventured into those intimate territories; were we even a couple?
"Y/N, was it true what you told her?" Jungkook's voice broke through my thoughts, his tone earnest and searching.
"About you moving on from me? Is that really how easy it would be for you? You… don't love me anymore?"
His fingers gently stroked my cheek, an action that sent a shiver down my spine as he searched my eyes for answers. But this time, his gaze held an unsettling emptiness that I couldn't decipher.
"I don't want you to feel forced to…" I began.
"You still haven't answered my questions. Why is it so difficult for you? It's really simple—yes or no. Is it easy for you to move on? Would you genuinely give up on me?"
"You… do you actually like Mingyu?" he asked, a sudden tension creeping into his voice.