Nefretiri
What the fuck am I doing?
I've had a dozen opportunities to scream for help, but I haven't even tried. My treacherous body has a mind of its own, refusing to do anything I want it to. The second Ivan stood, my arms found their way around his neck, and I was resting against his shoulder like it was the most normal thing in the world. Every time I breathed in, I indulged in his scent, the fragrance of storms, and that flower, calming my anxiety. Was that what was keeping me from fighting?
Was he using some kind of magic?
It would explain everything if he were, but I can't check until he puts me down. I need to focus, and that's impossible with him so close. He's too addictive, and the shame fogs my brain. This shouldn't be happening. He can't be my mate.
Mates…
No, he has to be wrong. Someone like him couldn't be with someone like me. I was no one, and he was an Alpha. Ivan was right. I knew little about werewolf culture, but I knew enough to know the Alpha was the pack's leader.
It made me think of the second room in my basement, the one Ricky labeled the Alpha room, and I shuddered.
I clung to Ivan, my face buried in his shirt. What I'd seen in that basement would live with me forever. Even after I was dead, I'd never forget the horrors I'd seen. That was more reason to get away from Ivan. He didn't understand the danger he was putting himself in by being around me, but I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell anyone.
"You okay?" Ivan paused in front of a car as the others moved on. He didn't seem to care that he was giving me an opening.
Not that I could take it.
There was no way I could outrun a pack of werewolves, even if I wasn't as messed up as I was. Not to mention the fact that Taylor had Penelope, and getting the stroller back would give them time to grab me again. The worst part? I felt safe in his arms and didn't want to leave.
'You're fucked,' the voice scoffed, making me feel exhausted. If I closed my eyes and went to sleep, would Ivan keep holding me?
"No."
Did he really expect me to be?
"I'm sorry this turned out this way…" He stared at me helplessly as if that was enough to justify any of this. What bothered me more was the fact that he looked adorable doing it. What was wrong with me? I was attracted to my kidnapper in such a short amount of time, and it made no sense.
'Not kidnapper, mate,' My thoughts corrected, but I pushed them away.
'No. Not mate. I don't have a mate. I don't deserve one.'
"Let me go," I pleaded again, and this time I meant it. The sun was setting, meaning I was more than a little late. Ricky could already be back if he felt some remorse, and even if he wasn't, I was exhausted and still had to walk. "Please. If I'm not there…"
"No."
His answer was clipped, and I knew there was no room for discussion. Ivan wasn't letting me go, and I contemplated the risk of telling him the truth. What would he do? Would he hurt me as some expression of justice? I'd deserve it for being complicit, but I didn't want to die. Or would he dump us on the side of the road and drive off, leaving me to carry my baby home because they'd gotten rid of my stroller and they wouldn't give me the one they bought?
Somehow, that was more alarming than them killing me.
"Vince, you guys go ahead, set up everything, and order some Chinese for us." Ivan was all business when we reached his truck. Even in the dying light, I marveled at how nice it was. It was my favorite shade of royal blue, the finish lovingly polished, and it was obvious Ivan took good care of it. I'd always liked trucks, but Ricky refused to get me one, forcing me to buy a little two-door that felt cramped and suffocating. "Get everything on the menu. Steven, you're in charge until we get there. Danny? You have your kit on you?"
"Always." A wolf who was leaner than the others, with a mass of raven curls, held up a backpack that looked like it'd had better days. "I'll check them over when we get back to the house."
Check us over?
"No!" I finally struggled against Ivan's grip. I didn't want anyone touching me or seeing what Ricky had done. "Don't touch me!"
"Hey, it's okay." Ivan set me on the truck's hood, cupping my face as I pushed at his chest. It did nothing. The man was built from cement. "I just want him to check you over. That's all. I'll be there the entire time, and we won't do anything that makes you uncomfortable."
"No!" I didn't want him to see my body. It was humiliating, and I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. "I can take care of myself. I want to go home! Let us go!"
Tears burned the corners of my eyes. My throat felt like I'd swallowed a knife, and my chest constricted, but I refused to cry. Why did he keep saying he wouldn't do anything I didn't want, but he wouldn't let me leave? It didn't matter that I didn't want to go back to Ricky. Ivan should respect what I'm saying and let me leave. It would have been safer for all of us if he had just forgotten me and gone on his way.
'But you want him to stay...'
"Shut up!" I screamed, realizing too late that I'd said that out loud.
Fuck.
Ivan stares at me, his expression stricken instead of angry. I only said that to Ricky once, and I ended up hiding in the house for two weeks while the bruises healed. Part of me feared Ivan would do the same, so I let him go and pushed myself back on the hood. I had no reason to think he wouldn't hurt me, and all I could do was try to escape. Ivan was larger than Ricky, both in height and mass, so whatever he did to me would be much worse.
"Okay," That caught me off guard. I don't know what I expected, but Ivan letting me go and taking a step back wasn't even on the top ten of that list. "I'm sorry."
It was too much.
The first tear fell, and I didn't have the strength to wipe it away. The next one came, and something inside me broke. All the pain, grief, and humiliation were bubbling to the surface, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. So, I did the thing I'd dreaded for so long at the edge of a grocery store parking lot in front of a man who claimed he was my soulmate. I broke down, buried my face in my hands, and cried.
I wish it were soft sobs and silent tears, but I was years beyond that. In front of a werewolf Alpha, I balled and cried like my newborn when she felt distressed. It didn't matter who watched or heard; I let it all out, needing to express the pain I'd been in until I was bled dry. If I'm being honest, I lost track of why I was crying ten seconds in. Maybe for the disaster my life had become. Or something older and deeper. I don't know, and I really don't care anymore.
"I'm here." Ivan's arms were around me, his presence an anchor from the grief that threatened to wash me away. I should've pushed him away, but I didn't want to pretend anymore. "I'm right here. Let it out. It's okay, baby. Just let it out."
He knew what I needed to hear, repeating it like a mantra.
Ricky would've told me to get over myself or that I needed to stop crying, but Ivan gave me what I needed. I was safe in his arms, and he'd keep me that way while I broke. It was stupid that someone respecting a boundary was what pushed me over the edge, but when you haven't had anyone look at you like your voice matters, it's more jarring than being punched. I knew what to do if someone put their hands on me or threw insults and accusations my way, but kindness and respect? I was helpless against those things.
'Is that all it takes? a hug and some comforting words, and you give in?' I was so tired of that voice. I wanted it to stop, but how did I make it? Ricky told me I needed to get checked for it, but he never let me tell anyone when I was at the doctor's. Was I really this crazy? 'Are you crazy or finally waking up?'
It made no sense for it to change from scathing to helpful; that only made things worse.
"Let… me go…" I sobbed but clung to his shirt, afraid of letting him go. "He'll kill you… Please."
I didn't mean to say it, but I had and couldn't take it back. Sadly, that's what I was scared of. Not my safety, because I'd never felt safer than I did right now, and not the unknown of what this werewolf would or could do. I feared watching him die, seeing the evil in Ricky's eyes as he took Ivan's lifeless body downstairs and… No! I couldn't let that happen!
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," that's not how I expected him to respond. The agony in his voice brought on a new wave of tears, whimpers replacing the sobs.
I hate being this exposed.
Not because it's wrong but because someone always used it against me. Now, I was with someone who seemed to care, which terrified me more. So, when I felt something wet touch my temple, it took me a few seconds to realize Ivan was crying. He wasn't ugly crying like I was, but the tears were hidden behind his long bangs, which refused to be tied back with the rest of his long hair.
He looked as helpless as I felt, never letting me go as I slowly pulled back. I was still a mess, with the remnants of my makeup now on his shirt, my face blotchy and red again, and my hair half out of its ponytail, which was disastrous since it was well past my knees. There was no salvaging it without a brush, which I didn't have, so I reached behind me and quietly pulled off the hairband at the bottom and unbraided it. I didn't need to do it in that second, but I needed something to focus on. It also helped cover my face some.
"Here," Ivan started combing his fingers through my hair, carefully disentangling the tangled sections in the front. He was so gentle, working his fingers like anyone who experiences the joys of knots in their hair can. "I've got a brush in the truck if you want to."
He stopped, narrowing his eyes, but he didn't move away.
I was curious, but not enough to move. Honestly, I liked the attention, and the grief ebbed a little. As sad as this is, I know I'm an affection whore. I enjoy physical contact, which made what Ricky did that much worse. So, I almost embarrassed myself by demanding Ivan continue, but then the sound of the cop car and its lights drew my attention.
Who called them?
'Isn't this what you wanted?' My demonic inner voice leered. 'You're too stupid and deprived to save yourself from being kidnapped, so someone else did it for you.'
I wasn't deprived. At least, that's what I'd like to believe, but I know better. I was hesitating because this was what I needed, a chance to get away. Ivan was kidnapping me, and his sister was taking my baby in their car. They should all go to jail.
'But you trust them.' The softer side of my insanity reminded me, and I was back in the civil war. 'They've been kind, patient, and understanding. He's your mate. You know what that means. Don't lie to yourself.'
'You don't deserve a soulmate, especially one so powerful. You're with Ricky because that's all you deserve. You aren't worthy of a man like this.'
"Ma'am?" an authoritative voice called me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see the officer looking at me with concern. The bright lights of the squad car hurt my sensitive eyes, but I said nothing. "Do you want help down?"
"I..." What was happening? Where was Ivan? "Where's my..."
I was about to say, mate, wouldn't that be an interesting conversation?
"My partner's talking to him." I don't know what the officer thought I was going to say, but the way he explained it made me think he was reassuring me that I was the one in danger.
"He didn't do anything wrong," the words came out before I could think, and even I surprised myself with the conviction I used.
"Okay..." the officer stepped closer, being gentle and as nonthreatening as possible. He didn't believe me—hell, I shouldn't believe me. "I just want to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?"
'You've got a choice to make... Ricky or Ivan. Which is it going to be?'
"Okay..." It's not like I had much of a choice.
"Can you tell me what happened?" he was polite, which I appreciated, but I got the feeling he looked at my face and came up with the wrong idea.
Yes, I'd been hurt, but not by Ivan.
"Nothing happened." I should've chosen a different line because he clearly didn't believe me. "Not... here. Nothing happened here."
"Okay. Can you tell me more?"
"I..."
"Ma'am, I promise you're safe. He can't hurt you as long as we're here."
'Oh, how wrong you are.'
For some reason, the way he spoke about Ivan pissed me off. It made me want to defend the werewolf because he hadn't done anything wrong except take me against my will. That was bad, but not what the cop assumed. Though I doubt he'd think much better of him once, I explained the rest.
"He didn't hurt me... someone else did it." That was the truth, which was easier to share with the cop than anyone else.
"Alright... Can you help me understand what's going on...?"
"My ex... he hurt me, and Ivan was... helping me get away..."
I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. My mouth spoke, but I wasn't controlling any of it. "Please let him go. He didn't do anything wrong."
I'm either losing it more, or someone's doing something to me.
'It has to be magic.'
Now that I was away from Ivan's influence, I could check. It wouldn't take long, and no one would notice. I might not be a powerful sorceress, but detecting magic was one of the simplest things to do, especially with a full belly of food. So, as the cop kept asking me useless questions, which I seemed to have the answer to, including a made-up story about how I got to this situation, I'd cast the spell without my eyes changing color.
The results were both horrifying and a relief.
None of them was using magic. A few held the potential, but none were active. The most surprising was Ivan himself. He was incredibly powerful but the most dormant, meaning he couldn't do any magic without hurting himself. That meant all of this was me. I was doing this of my own free will.
"Where do you live, ma'am?" the officer had asked me if I'd filed a report about Ricky, but I hadn't answered. Now, he was asking me a new question and my head was unfogging from the magic. "We'll have to do a follow up-"
"No!" I half screamed. I saw Ivan trying to come to me from the corner of my eye, but the other officer stopped him. "No... we don't live here. We're just passing through. I just want to go home. That's all."
"Where are you from?" Now, he was treating me like a wounded animal—someone he had to treat gently but assumed she'd attack just as quickly.
"Colorado..." Where had that come from? I've never been to Colorado...
I'm sure the guy would've kept pressing me for answers, but something strange happened. One second, he was about to open his mouth to ask something else, and the next, his eyes glazed over, and he turned around and walked to his car. His partner did the same, the same distant expression in his eyes. My body tensed because I'd seen that happen once before. There was only one person powerful enough to do something like that from a long distance, and the fact he knew what was going on was creepy and awe-inspiring.
"Liam," I whispered, watching as the cops drove away, leaving me sitting on Ivan's hood.
"What just happened?" Taylor came over, jumping on the hood.
"I don't know," I thought it best not to mention Liam yet. Sarah once told me Liam owned all of Farmington, but I thought she was exaggerating. Now, I'm not so sure.
"Weird..." I half expected Ivan to come back, but he walked past us and went to talk to Steven. The others had left already, so the truck and the dark gray car were the only ones left on this side. "Listen... thank you for not... you know. Selling Ivan out..."
"I don't know why I didn't." I shouldn't talk to the guy's sister, but something about her made me want to share my thoughts. She felt like the kind of person I could sit and talk to for hours, which was further proof of my impending insanity. "I don't know why I didn't tell them what you're doing or why I'm not screaming for help right now."
"I think you know." She kept her voice low so no one could hear us, and I wondered how good werewolves' hearing was. "Please give him a chance."
"I can't." Covering my eyes, I tried to think rationally but failed. "I'm not his anything... I'm not his..."
I couldn't even say the word.
"Nefretiri... I can't pretend to know what you've been through, and hopefully, someday, we'll be close enough for you to share, but I can promise you that you and Ivan are mates. Take it from one mated woman to another. You know it, too. We all see it... and felt it." What's sad is I want to believe her. She's so sincere, and I sense she genuinely cares, but that worsens things. "Whatever that guy did to you... He's not worth protecting. No one who loves you would put their hands on you. No one who claims to be your partner deserves your protection when they're being the scum of the earth."
"I'm not protecting him!" That was the last thing I would ever do. "It's complicated... But I'm not protecting him or anyone else."
'Except Ivan! You protected him.'
'Shut up!'
"Well, you're in luck," Taylor grinned, and her smile was so infectious that I nearly did, too. "Because we are experts at solving complications. I'm not asking you to fall into his arms and declare your undying love. All I'm saying is to give him a chance. He's a pain in the ass, but my brother is a good man at heart. He'll drive you crazy, but always have your back."
"I can't."
She didn't understand that the more she tried to sell Ivan to me, the guiltier I felt. It's not that my heart didn't want to give him that chance. It's that doing it would sign their death warrants. Yet, I was selfish—so very selfish. I wanted love and affection, and risking everything felt like the only choice.
"Please... Please don't do that to yourself or him," she said, holding my hand carefully. Her expression was no longer joking. She looked heartbroken. "I know this is insane, and no one in their right mind would go for it, but don't destroy yourself and Ivan for something you don't deserve to go through. Please."
"Taylor, Steven's ready to go," Ivan interrupted, his voice clipped. Did he not want Taylor to talk to me?
"Okay..." Taylor gave my hand a final squeeze before sliding off the hood. "Don't worry. Penelope will be waiting in her new bed when you guys get there. I'll show you all the cute little outfits I got her."
"She means that too," Ivan sighed as we watched his sister hurry to her mate's car. "My sister... might have a shopping addiction."
"Nothing wrong with that," I couldn't say anything. I had the same addiction, just no money to indulge in it.
"You didn't sell me out," he said. It was just us now, with the rest of the pack gone or leaving, including his sister and brother-in-law, who had my child. "Thank you."
"I... don't know what's happening."
"Would you give me a chance to help you understand?"
"What... do you have in mind?"
"Give me a day."
"What?" What was he talking about?
"All I ask for is a full twenty-four hours with me. Let me show you what we can be together. I'm not asking for a commitment or anything else. Just for you to stay with me. If... you still don't want to try... I'll... reject you and help you get wherever you want. I won't let you stay with him, but I'll get you somewhere safe. Just one day, you can see what we could be together. To be... a family."
"Family..."
"Yeah, I know I'm asking for a lot, but you deserve to be happy, and I can be what you want and need. We're soulmates, Nefretiri. I was made for you, and you me. Would you be willing to try, even if it's just for a day?"
He sounded so vulnerable, and I saw how his eyes glistened. This time, he wasn't hiding the raw emotion like he was when his pack was still here. Ivan showed strength and hid his feelings like I did, and he trusted me with who he really was. You wouldn't think a man who looked like he did, was built for war would be capable of expressing his emotions like this, but he was.
"Ricky... he doesn't like me being away for an hour..." I'd avoided using my husband's name until now, and it tasted like acid on my tongue. "He'll lose it if I'm gone for a full day.
Especially so close to the weekend, who was supposed to show up this time? Wasn't it Darla? Fuck, at least it wasn't Jackie. I couldn't handle her three weekends in a row.
"I'm not scared, Nefretiri," cupping my face again, Ivan brushed back my hair, offering me his warmest smile. "Not to toot my own horn, but I'm the most sought-after warrior on the West Coast. Every pack from California to Alaska wants me to train their warriors. I've never been in a fight I couldn't win... well, except for one, but that was an exception."
"I have to go back to the house. There are things I can't leave behind." I was worse than crazy. I was delusional. "Would you take me back to get our things?"
"Yeah..." His smile was tight, and his shoulders were tense, but he didn't deny me. That was a good thing. "Just give me the address, and we'll head that way. If he's there, I can handle him before we leave."
I don't think he was joking.
Before I could stop myself, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer. I don't know what came over me, but hearing him talk about Ricky like that opened a door that refused to be closed in my head. Ivan was willing to defend me after knowing me for a day, while Ricky had known me for years and was the one hurting me. That was a bad way of thinking, but I was too worn down to process anything.
So, I kissed him.
It wasn't hard or rough. This was a butterfly kiss, just to see what it was like, and I realized how fucked I was because of it. It was supposed to be a second, but the shock and pleasure threw us both off. His lips tasted like velvet, Fanta, temptation, and seduction. All the things I'd been missing and all the things I craved. He made me feel things I'd forgotten, and the thought of kissing anyone else was unthinkable.
"A day?" I whispered, enjoying how stunned he was by what I'd done.
"Yeah..." it sounded like his throat was as dry as mine.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Uh-huh..."
As if to seal the deal, he leaned in, pausing as his lips brushed lightly against mine, waiting for me to react.
Kissing him was a mistake, but I'd do it a million times.