--- INTERVIEW – JOEY DUNPHY ---
[Joey sits in his perfectly organized family car, adjusting the air vents while Haley, Alex, Luke, and Manny bicker in the backseat. Buddy rides shotgun, wearing tiny aviators.]
JOEY: Sibling bonding is like assembling IKEA furniture. You start with good intentions, then realize someone hid the screws. [Pauses] …But at least there's meatballs at the end.
DUNPHY LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Haley holds up a shredded notebook, glaring at Alex. Luke and Manny wrestle over a toy lightsaber.
HALEY (waving the notebook): You ruined my DIY crop top! Do you even know how hard I worked on it! It was my art!!
ALEX (sneering): Oh no, the world will never recover from the loss of your "art." Meanwhile, my quantum physics notes are gone!
LUKE (yelling): Manny said he's my uncle! That's not fair!
MANNY (adjusting his scarf): Technically, I am. Through marriage. It's called genealogy, Luke.
LUKE: You're not my uncle! You're just a weird kid who drinks espresso!
--- INTERVIEW – CLAIRE DUNPHY ---
CLAIRE: I left them alone for five minutes. Five minutes! Phil was supposed to be watching them.
PHIL (offscreen): I was calibrating the sprinklers for optimal rainbow arcs!
DUNPHY DRIVEWAY – AFTERNOON
Joey herds the group into his car, clipboard in hand. Buddy claims the front seat.
JOEY: Ground rules: No science talk. No fashion talk. No uncles. [Pauses]… And no licking the windows.
LUKE (licking the window): Too late.
HALEY: Where are we even going?
JOEY: Therapy. [Deadpan] …Retail therapy.
--- INTERVIEW – ALEX DUNPHY ---
ALEX: Joey's idea of "fun" is color-coordinated spreadsheets. This'll be a disaster.
SPRINGFIELD GALLERIA – LATER
The group navigates the mall. Joey's itinerary includes:
"Nerd Haven" Bookstore (for Alex), "Glimmer" Accessories (for Haley), Toys & Turbulence (for Luke), Poetic Brew Café (for Manny)
JOEY (handing out gift cards): Stick to the budget. Or else.
---LATER IN THE LOBBY---
HALEY (gasping at a sequin jacket): This is everything.
ALEX (rolling eyes): It's a disco ball with sleeves.
MANNY (sipping a chai latte): Luke, toys are fleeting. Poetry is eternal.
LUKE (wielding a foam sword): Nerd fight!
[Chaos ensues. Haley "accidentally" maxes her gift card. Alex debates a cashier on string theory. Manny performs slam poetry to confused shoppers. Luke gets stuck in a ball pit.]
--- INTERVIEW – LUKE DUNPHY ---
LUKE: Joey said I could buy anything. So, I got 37 glow sticks, a fart gun, and a cactus. [Pauses] …for Mom.
POETIC BREW CAFÉ – LATER
The group collapses at a table, surrounded by shopping bags. Joey distributes kale smoothies.
HALEY (dramatic): Ugh, kale? Can't I get a Frappuccino?
JOEY: You blew your budget on glitter. Suffer.
MANNY (raising his cup): To family. The beautiful, bewildering tapestry of chaos.
ALEX (reluctantly): …Fine. To Joey's credit card.
LUKE (burping): To fart guns!
[A rare moment of silence, then Haley pulls out her phone.]
HALEY: Group selfie! [Pauses] Joey, smile!
JOEY (forced grin): This is my "I regret everything" face.
--- INTERVIEW – MANNY DELGADO ---
MANNY: Joey's like a Swiss watch—precision with a hint of existential dread.
DUNPHY HOUSE – EVENING
Claire and Phil review Joey's receipts, stunned.
CLAIRE: He bought Luke a cactus? And Haley a jacket that blinds pilots?!
PHIL (grinning): Our boy's a natural mediator! And a shopping savant!
JOEY (walking in): [Tosses a "fart gun" to Phil] For your collection.
CLAIRE (softening): You did good, kid.
--- INTERVIEW – PHIL DUNPHY ---
PHIL: When did Joey become the dad? [Pauses] …I'm okay with it.
FINAL SCENE
The siblings gather in the living room. Haley models her jacket, Alex reads a new book, Luke "tests" the fart gun, and Manny composes a haiku. Joey smiles, secretly snapping a photo.
[Post-credits: Buddy wears Haley's sequin jacket, chewing the cactus. Text overlay: "Fashion Icon 🌵"]