EeDechi peeled her ear away from the wall. She was in a stall in the men's bathroom, frozen in a silence as still as a stone statue.
Everything Ainz and Albedo had just talked about had reached EeDechi's ears, but she didn't have much of an opinion on it. To her, it was just a couple of melodramatic lovebirds yapping away.
Barrett shifted his ear from the wall too, hiding in another stall nearby. His hearing wasn't as sharp as EeDechi's, but thanks to the keen senses of an elite adventurer, he'd caught the gist of it. What puzzled Barrett was why Ainz didn't just use his fingers to satisfy Albedo…
…
Ainz stepped into the spacious men's bathroom, and for once, Albedo didn't follow. She leaned against the doorway, gazing longingly as the tavern keeper ushered Ainz inside. Her expression was a mix of resentment and gloom.
The tavern keeper twitched his mustache and fawned, "Supreme Overlord, look, the bathroom's exactly as you demanded. You're truly a wise ruler! Who else would think to inspect a bathroom? Only someone with the supreme intellect of Supreme Overlord Ainz would catch every last detail."
Ainz nodded, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. Truth be told, he hadn't even wanted to come in here—he just needed a break from Albedo's clinginess. Still, the tavern keeper's ass-kissing hit the spot, so he let it slide.
"My hygiene decree states that bathrooms must be tiled with white porcelain. Every time you scrub the toilet, it's gotta be scrubbed seven times until the water's so clean you could drink it," Ainz said casually.
He was trying to push toilets into common use, but in this world of low productivity, toilets were still a rare luxury. Plus, they needed a fully functional underground plumbing system to even work.
Delicate-skinned races usually wiped their asses with papyrus or leaves. The richer, pickier ones used silk cloths to clean the filth off their backdoors after a dump. Tougher, thick-skinned races stuck to rubbing their butts with round pebbles—or didn't bother wiping at all.
"Everything in the tavern's up to code! Including the bathroom!" the tavern keeper declared with total confidence. He swung open a stall door, showing off a shiny, spotless toilet to back up his claim.
He even dug a long-handled copper ladle out of his leather pouch, scooped a spoonful of water from the toilet bowl, and—gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut—chugged it down.
Wiping the stray drops from his mustache, the keeper forced a smile, acting like he'd just sipped pure mountain spring water instead of the nasty, grime-filled holy brew from the john.
Ainz sneered inwardly. With his sharp eyes, how could he miss it? The water in that toilet was nowhere near clean—definitely not "drinkable." Forget "scrubbed seven times"—three scrubs would've been a stretch.
Still, he couldn't be bothered to call the tavern keeper out on this petty bullshit. Watching a weakling squirm in the mud just to survive was its own kind of entertainment.
The tavern keeper gave a half-bow, yanking open another stall door with the flair of a royal coachman opening a carriage. "See? Every single stall looks brand-spanking new, fresh as the day it was built!"
Hiding in a nearby stall, EeDechi couldn't help but frown. If the tavern keeper kept opening every damn door, it was only a matter of time before he found them—wanted fugitives touring the Sorcerer Kingdom's turf.
EeDechi quietly drew her giant sword, aiming it at the stall door. Her feet tensed slightly, ready to spring. The second that door swung open, she'd burst out, swinging the massive blade high to cleave straight for Ainz Ooal Gown's skull.
Maybe the moment the tavern keeper yanked open some random bathroom door would mark the start of a shitstorm—the day E-Rantel city fell to ruin.
"Lord Ainz! Lord Ainz! Lord Ainz~ What're you doing in the bathroom?" Albedo's syrupy, seductive voice slipped through the walls, her teasing lilt tugging at everyone's nerves like a damn siren song.
Inside his stall, Barrett swallowed hard, his mind reeling.
Ainz shot a cold glance toward the stalls. He knew some asshole was in there taking a dump, but dragging them out to bow at his feet? Pointless. Otherwise, he'd end up looking like the King of the Can, the Lord of the Bathroom.
Albedo peeked around the doorway, forcing Ainz to turn and stride out of the bathroom. He ordered two bottles of white wine at the tavern counter, more for show than anything, and knocked back a few glasses with Albedo…
…
EeDechi and Barrett had been perched on the stall's toilet for a solid half hour. From the faint sounds filtering in, it seemed Ainz and Albedo had finally ditched the Golden Apple tavern.
"Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap."
A rush of frantic footsteps barreled straight toward the bathroom. The desperate, pounding rhythm sounded like a starving lone wolf charging a helpless sheep. EeDechi and Barrett froze, scrapping their plan to slip out of the stall.
"Creak!"
It was the sound of someone cranking the brass faucet on the sink hard. Water blasted out, splashing wildly as it hit someone's mouth with force.
"Gargle, gargle, gargle, gargle…"
Whoever it was, they were rinsing their mouth like a maniac. The frantic sloshing sounded like some clean-freak who'd been forced to skip brushing their teeth for decades finally getting their hands on water.
"Gag! Gag! Ptoo! Ptoo! Ptoo-oo-oo!!"
The person gargling was practically clawing at their throat, hacking and retching like they were trying to puke up their whole damn stomach.
The chaotic splashing and dry-heaving finally died down. Barrett cracked open the stall door, peeking out with one eye to scope the scene.
There was the tavern keeper, slumped over the sink, making pitiful gagging motions. His neat, fancy shirtfront and bowtie were soaked through, his mustache drooping limply as water dripped off it, plinking onto the floor.
The guy had just chugged that filthy water from the toilet bowl on his own dumb accord—no wonder he was losing his shit now, desperate to scrub his throat and guts clean.
"Fucking hell, that Overlord prick—I'd chop you up and feed you to the dogs!" the tavern keeper snarled under his breath, thinking no one else could hear.
Barrett shoved the stall door wide open and stormed toward the keeper in big, pissed-off strides. He clamped a hand around the guy's neck, spun him around, then grabbed his collar and hoisted him up, growling like a rabid beast:
"You dare trash-talk the great Supreme Overlord Ainz?!"
EeDechi stepped out of her stall too, walking toward the whimpering keeper with slow, deliberate steps, her eyes dark and ice-cold.
"NO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT, I SWEAR!" The tavern keeper snapped from shock to despair in a heartbeat, tears gushing out as he bawled, "Please! I'm begging you! Don't tell the sheriff, or my whole family… they'll all be slaughtered!"
"Want us to keep our mouths shut? Easy." A savage grin flickered in Barrett's eyes. "Just agree to one little thing for us."
…
At the Harbor at Sunset inn, Barrett and EeDechi checked out of their room. They knocked on the red sandalwood door of Vaelynn's room. It was ajar, so they pushed it open. The elf ranger wasn't there—no surprise. What was a surprise was Franco, buck naked on the bed. Legs splayed, eyes glazed over, staring at the ceiling like a milk cow sucked dry.
Barrett yanked a blanket over Franco's limp dick and asked, "What's up with you?"
"One hell of an elf chick," Franco mumbled. "Fiercer than a damn dragon. She drained me dry—I can't even get out of bed."
"Where's Vaelynn now?" EeDechi cut in. She didn't care one bit about Franco's mobility issues.
"She's at the black market," Franco said, turning his head stiffly toward Barrett. "Hey, big guy, grab me a vitality potion. Pop the cap for me, thanks."
Barrett sighed, pulled out a bottle of orange-yellow vitality juice, and dumped the whole thing into Franco's mouth. The guy's pasty face finally got some color back, and his scattered gaze sharpened up.
"Let's go. Teleport outta E-Rantel."
EeDechi wrapped Franco's naked body in the blanket. She grabbed his arms, Barrett took his legs, and they hauled him out of the room. Cheeko, the cat who'd been napping in a backpack, poked its head out, curious, then hopped onto Franco's belly.
Down in the inn's first-floor lobby, an old guy with gold-rimmed glasses was dozing off. He cracked open sleepy eyes as EeDechi and the others headed out, asking, "The teleport thing—how much did it cost? All set?"
"All set." Barrett flashed an "A-OK" gesture. "Threatened the Golden Apple tavern keeper's whole family—didn't cost a single copper."
"Damn, you're a cold one," the old man said, impressed. He nodded at the stiff Franco. "South district, Husar Street, in the satyr neighborhood—there's a necromancer buying corpses. Full bodies go for 20 gold coins."
"This guy's still breathing," Barrett chuckled. He and EeDechi lugged Franco out of the inn, one in front, one behind, heading for the central teleport hub.
Taking a carriage risked getting stopped by statues and forced to kneel, so Barrett and EeDechi opted to hoof it. Good thing both were tough as nails—power-walking all day was no sweat for them.
Barrett gripped the blanket-wrapped Franco in one hand and a map in the other, leading the way through shortcuts.
They cut through streets and alleys, one after another, until suddenly Barrett felt the weight in his hand lighten. Then came Franco's "OW, SHIT!" yelp of pain.
He turned his head and saw EeDechi had already dumped Franco on the ground, staring blankly at a house across the street.
"What's up?" Barrett asked, totally lost.
Then it clicked. The house's sign read "Pleasure Haven," and two sultry, drop-dead gorgeous women stood by the door—one of them a half-elf.
Their lips were painted red, eyes lined dark, bodies smoking hot in skimpy outfits. They were tossing flirty winks at EeDechi, who'd frozen in place gawking at them.
It was a damn brothel!
Sure enough, EeDechi bolted toward it, yanking her giant sword out of her ring of holding mid-stride, charging in like her ass was on fire.
"NO WAY, CAPTAIN!" Barrett dropped the blanket-wrapped Franco and lunged, wrapping his arms around her.
He clung tight, but his strength was no match for hers. EeDechi kept marching forward, dragging him along like dead weight.
"Hey, handsome fellas, not coming in to play?" The sexy half-elf blew them a kiss.
"Nope! We've got real important shit to do!" Barrett hugged EeDechi tighter, hissing in her ear, "Chill out! Chill the fuck out!"
If she started cracking down on prostitution here, it'd kick off a shitstorm, and the Great Tomb of Nazarick would catch wind of them. They'd be screwed!
EeDechi finally snapped out of her knee-jerk rage. She clenched her fists, let out a pissed-off sigh, and stashed her giant sword back in her ring. Barrett exhaled hard, relieved as hell.
While EeDechi gave up on storming the brothel to clean house, over there, buck-naked Franco was inching toward it on his belly. He gazed up at the hot half-elf towering over him, tongue lolling out like he was about to lick her heels.
"Get your ass out here!" Barrett grabbed his legs and yanked him back from the brothel.
The two of them bundled Franco up in the blanket again, hoisted him, and kept trekking toward the teleport hub.