Sorry for the yesterday, i don't know why I was so weird yesterday. Maybe it was the sickness messing with my head. Maybe it was just one of those days where everything feels off for no reason.
Just woke up the sickness is gone. No more headache, no more swelling throat. It feels.. good great. Really good and great. But now their is nothing no pain, no distraction it feels alone like before.
The house is loud. Not the good kind of loud not music or laughter or anything like that. Just noise. Endless, grating noise. Mom's been calling my name since morning, not because she needs me for anything, but because she's angry and needs someone to hear it. Dad's been screaming right back, their voices crashing into each other like two storms trying to drown each other out. It's the same argument, the same stupid cycle, over and over. I don't even know what they're fighting about anymore. It doesn't matter. It never does.
It's exhausting. Not just the yelling, but the weight of it. Like there's this giant, invisible leech latched onto my soul, sucking the energy out of me just by making me *exist* in the middle of it. I can't focus. I can't think. I just sit there, feeling drained, like every shout takes a little piece of me with it.
Living like this is… weird. Unpredictable. One minute, everything's fine. Or at least, they *pretend* it's fine. We sit at the table, eat dinner, act like we're some normal family in some normal house. Then, out of nowhere, something sets them off. A wrong word, a look, a tone—doesn't matter what. Suddenly, it's like the world's ending. Doors slam. Voices rise. And just as fast as it starts, it stops. No resolution. No apologies. Just back to pretending nothing happened.
At some point i even got used to it I stayed quiet, stayed out of the way, figured if they don't care whether i do good or bad they still gonna scold me why should i care about them. But that just made it worse. They needed someone to blame, someone to drag into it. So they started crafting their own version of me in their heads. The moody one. The ungrateful one. The problem. Doesn't matter what I actually do—they've already decided who I am.
And i hated it i hate people like that specially ones who refuses to accept who they truly are. They screm they project yet they say it they hate it they don't want to do it. They say they love me and would give me anything i need yet they only give me the things that they want me to have. They say they haven't don't anything bad and asks answer from the god yet their reflection is right beside them living, breathing. They don't even see themselves. They'll blame demons for their failures, like some evil spirit forced them to be this way. But when something good happens—when *I* do something good—suddenly it's all God's grace. Never my effort. Never their fault. Never *them*. Never *me*.
How can someone be this blind? Uneducated? Mentally ill? Innocent heart?
Corrupted heart?mind?
I don't know and it bothers me... a lot...
If only i was stronger__
If only i was smarter__
If only i was.. kinder__
I don't have money of my own. No friends, No connection to people, No skills, No qualifications, nothing that would get me a job good enough to leave. All I've got is this house. This family. This mess.
Some times i wish i just be a kid again memory that forgets bad things, doesnt understand bad things, heart that is innocent and pure.
Sometime i wish i just be a adult mind that can understand things mind that is mature, heart that is storng, resilient, body that is strong a one that can survive independently.
Lately, it feels like things are slipping. Just… slowly. Like the days are getting heavier. Nothing good happens—not in real life, anyway. My dreams are different, though. In my dreams, I'm somewhere else. Somewhere else. If bad happens i can just wake up if good happens it's good.
A place where i have control i like that. Being able to talk freely, being able to laugh freely, being able to live freely...
I've never believed in therapists. Not really. At the end of the day, you're the one who has to change. You're the one who has to do something. And i don't want to change, I don't think I can. I've been avoiding it, putting it off, telling myself it's pointless. But… maybe it wouldn't hurt to try.
Or maybe it would
The appointment charge burns a hole in my pocket. I don't have that much money!.