Evren spent the whole night, awake and alert, thinking on how he should handle his family. He came up with countless scenarios and ways on how to deal with them swiftly and casually, his mind working tirelessly to no end. So when the dreaded day arrives, waiting for his family to visit him anxiously and glimpsing at the clock ticking at a snail's pace, he occupies his time with reading novels. He sifts through one page at a time, straining himself to concentrate on the content of the story. His mind keeps on gnawing at him with its very tiny but vicious claws, whispering vehemently at him. He closes his book shut, seeing no reason to continue reading any longer, releasing a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. He absently stares far ahead and his hand twitches-a small and vague movement that's telling him to do something, anything. As long as it can distract him from thinking about his family's visit, any distraction offered is welcomed.
He jumps off his bed, pacing back and forth in his room, thinking of multiple means on how to divert his attention from his family. His family will come visit him in the evening and it is still noon. The weather is sunny and cool, the sunlight filtering in through the window, casting a soft and divine glow in the monotonous room. The window is slightly ajar, the breeze drifting through lazily. It is the perfect and ideal weather for travelling to different places with your loved ones during the weekends, whether it would be to the mall, cinema, museum, or an aquarium.
Sad to say, Evren can't go to all of the aforementioned hang-out spots to his disappointment. Evren gazes through the window and an idea clicks in his mind, his face lighting up. He scoops up his notebook and pen from his drawer and rushes outside his hospital room, making his way towards the garden. He plops himself on the grass, sitting with his legs crossed, and resolutely surveys his surroundings-clicking his pen and shuffling through an empty page in his notebook. It is just a regular black notebook with stickers-something that his older siblings got for him during their rare visits.
They said, specifically his eldest sister, that they don't know him well enough to know what he likes as a present or souvenir. They thought of a notebook and when Evren asked them why, they answered that it is a versatile item and how Evren can use it to how he wants it to be used. The stickers? The notebook looked too boring and plain for their liking so they decorated it with stickers-they got overboard with it and the notebook ended up being designed with a variety of stickers from the front to back.
The stickers are too cute for Evren's taste but he doesn't mind, he still treasures this gift from his older siblings. It's a dear memento that shows how his family cares for him and expresses a sincere desire to bond with him, Evren is only hesitant to accept them with open arms. To him, they're like strangers. Strangers who are only trying to bond with him out of obligation, or at least, he feels like he's somehow barging his way in his family's happy life.
He observes his environment-how the birds' melodious voices fill the tense atmosphere, how the flowers bloom beautifully, how the leaves of the trees flutter in the wind, how the grass feels beneath him, how the scent of the garden soothes his being-and writes it down in his notebook. He writes a story based on his observation of his surroundings, finding ways on how to eloquently describe it. He lets his imagination unfurl, his creative juices flowing smoothly, the world around him full of striking and evocative colors blending in his colorless setting, and his mind strays away from the uncontrollable thoughts regarding his family. He doesn't feel like he's drowning underwater with no words coming out of his mouth in spite of the numerous attempts-instead, he's now floating in a world that is beyond the reach of what the ordinary human can grasp, a world that is not known to anyone else but himself. A world he can return to safely with a comforting embrace, a world that will accept his shortcomings and take advantage of it by turning his weaknesses into his greatest strengths.
Yet, deep down, he knows he can never break free from the shackles of reality binding him down. Because he knows that every time he escapes unscathed, it will come to chain him back down, each grip intensifying and harder to snap. Still, despite the knowledge he holds, Evren won't let it-will never let reality restrict his own will, potential, and the capabilities he wields. If his own health is already hindering him from doing the things a regular teenager should experience, why should he let reality do the same?
And so Evren lets his writing skills wash over him completely like a powerful, mighty wave, engulfing himself in a world where he can do anything he wants without the stern law reality has to reinforce. It will help in appeasing his restless thoughts.
For now.
. . .
When Evren retreats to his room after easing the anxiety and distress that is taking control of both his mind and body, he nearly jumps and stumbles over in shock. His eyes can't be deceiving him, can they? The people roaming in his room, making themselves comfortable on the chairs and sofas, are none other than his family. He pinches his cheeks and winces in pain, rubbing his cheeks soothingly, staring in disbelief. I'm not hallucinating...that's even worse.
His mother's eyes brighten noticeably at the sight of Evren and rushes over to his side. She wraps her arms around him, careful not to hurt him as if he's glass that can shatter into pieces if held wrongly, squeezing her hold on him tight. "Hello Evren, it's been a while since we last visited, huh? We're sorry for not coming sooner," she says, her voice full of indescribable emotions. Evren freezes, peering into his mother's yearning gaze. He hesitantly reaches out a hand and pats her awkwardly, uncertain of what he should do. Yeah, I suck at this. His father ruffles his hair affectionately and pats him on the shoulder. Evren seems to have gotten his looks from his father. "You seemed to be shocked seeing us at this hour," his father says, smiling, "our flight landed earlier than expected so we decided to visit you outright. We're sorry if it startled you." Evren waves his free hand wildly. "It-it's fine! Didn't bother me at all-surprised, yeah but-uh-I don't mind-" Evren is screaming at himself internally for butchering his words. Idiot! Stop talking! What are you even babbling about?! Gaaaaaah!
His parents don't seem to notice his internal turmoil and merely smile warmly. "Good to know then, Elena, you can let go of him now." his father mutters into his mother's ear. His mother reluctantly lets go of him-not before she inspects him thoroughly, turning Evren side to side, raising his arms, putting her hand on his forehead in case of fever-"You're alright, aren't you? Feeling fine? You're breathing normally?-" His father sighs and pulls his mother away from Evren. "You're going to overwhelm him, give the kid time to process things." Evren is grateful for his father's interference, feeling a bit more at ease now. "Ah, you're right-"
His mother ushers him to sit on his bed and Evren complies, sitting as stiff as a statue-even if one tries to poke him, he won't budge. His eyes dart to his other siblings who are sitting on the sofas on the opposite side of his bed. His eldest sister Iseul, with an average height and short wavy black hair, waves at him as she sags comfortably on the sofa. "Yo, Evren! Doing well?" Evren musters a quick nod. His older brother, Caius, who is 6 feet tall with curly brown hair, crosses his legs on the sofa. He only gives Evren an acknowledging nod of the head and goes back to scrolling on his phone. Iseul smacks him in the head and whispers angrily. "Pst-you should at least say a few words to him, you brat-" Caius ignores her and a vein pops on Iseul's forehead for their brother's audacity. She continues to nag him and Caius pretends as if she doesn't exist.
Evren sweat drops at the interaction, holding himself back from interfering. He might make things worse if he butts in. That'shyungalright. (AN: *Hyung is a Korean term that means "older brother" and is used by males to address older male friends or brothers*) Rarely talks at all. Noona is...well, energetic as usual. (AN: *Noona is another Korean term that means "older sister" and is used by males to address older female friends or sisters*)
His other older brother, Jun, who is only around 3 years older than him and looks the most similar to Evren, meekly waves at him. "I hope you're doing well, life in the hospital doesn't look that easy." he says softly, a gentle smile gracing his lips. "I'm doing just fine hyung," Evren answers, not admitting the fact that he finds life in the hospital to be tedious until just recently. Somehow, he feels more comfortable speaking with Jun than the rest of his family. Could it be because of their close age gap? Or is it because of his gentleness that makes Evren draw closer to him? Nonetheless, his family begins sharing their stories from their last trip to Korea, their homeland. Their great grandfather was a Korean who married an American woman while he was working abroad, explaining why their family has Asian features and uses Korean surnames. They occasionally speak in Korean from time to time but because they're living in the United States, they're more used to speaking English. Of course, their parents still taught them Korean as it is also their mother tongue.
While the conversation is flowing smoothly like a boat during a calm weather, Evren struggles to converse with them as naturally as they do with each other. It's as if he is an uneven piece that cannot fit in perfectly in their seamless puzzle, heedless of what he does. Something in Evren cracks a bit, his confidence and trust in himself to do better this time waning. Even with him not joining in, they still talk and laugh, rejoice and lament, smile and frown at the memories they share together, as one big family. Memories that strengthened their bond like steel, allowing them to grow stronger with more conviction and love. Memories without him. Evren smiles and nods to whatever his family is saying, his heart thumping fast and he tries to regain control over his heart beats. Is he the anomaly in their family? For not being able to relate to what they are talking about? For not knowing how to socialize properly just yet? For not getting their jokes on the spot? For being slow on the uptake?
If he was with them throughout their business trips, throughout their travels-instead of getting stuck in the hospital and his heart always declining-would he have fit in effortlessly? Would he have been a part of their family as he should?
Or will he forever continue to lurk behind the shadows in their light in spite of it?
To fruitlessly chase after them as they move farther and farther away from him?
A finger snaps in front of him and Evren blinks, taken aback by the sudden movement. Iseul looks at him with deep worry etched on her face and Evren has to raise his head to look her in the eye. She left the sofa and is sitting beside him now, his family gazing at him worriedly. "Dongsaeng, is something bothering you? You looked out of it." she asks tenderly, her eyes softening. (AN: *Dongsaeng is another Korean term that means "younger sibling" and is used by both males and females*)
Evren has to say something, he can't trouble his family who just came all the way here from Korea so they can drop by for a visit. He opens his mouth but no words come out. Feeling stupid, he clamps his mouth shut, his mind reeling. His family patiently waits for him and guilt kicks Evren in the gut for their kind understanding. Gosh, does he deserve a family like them?
Then, he sways his head and forms a small smile on his lips. "Sorry for worrying you noona, I'm fine–I was just thinking of something."
Iseul doesn't seem to buy his excuse, arching her eyebrows. "Is that so?"
"Mhm, speaking of–" He expertly switches the subject, "what were you guys talking about again?"
"Oh, yes!" Iseul's eyes shine in recognition, pumping a fist on her palm. She looks excitedly at their parents, wrapping an arm around Evren as he squawks indignantly. "Isn't it about time we tell him?"
"Huh, me? Tell me about what?" Evren asks, confused.
Iseul nudges their father to hurry up and spill the beans, their father heaving another sigh. "Alright-stop poking me now–"
Evren stares, hard, at his family who look like they're trying to share some important news. It's as if they're trying to avoid having this conversation. The only one who seems to be at ease is none other than Iseul, in fact, she's the one encouraging their parents to tell him what appears to be something big to share about.
What could it possibly be?
He can see Caius from the corner of his eyes, giving him a thumbs up with an aloof expression that bewilders Evren greatly and-is he actually smiling at him?! His brother, who prefers to stay quiet, who hardly reacts to anything, always keeping a stoic face-let alone a smile-is giving him a smile?!
Jun on the other hand, winks at him, mouthing 'Goodluck'.
Okay, seriously-what is going on? Evren thinks faintly. Is his family messing around with him?
His father takes a deep breath and locks eyes with Evren with a serious, hardened expression. A bead of sweat drops from Evren's forehead, feeling the room getting cold all of a sudden. He gulps at their father's intense face.
Is it bad? Why is he looking at me like that? Did I do something wrong? Or–
Evren internally gasps in horror.
Am I going to die?!–
...
Actually, now thinking about it-dying doesn't seem to be a bad idea–
"You can get discharged from the hospital now."
Evren's line of thoughts come to an abrupt halt at his father's announcement. He stares at his father as if he has lost his marbles and declares that the world is going to end. What.
"What." Evren manages to say, speechless. Did he hear his father right?
"The doctors said you are free to leave the hospital now." his father repeats, slowly as if he's talking to a toddler.
"..."
"They said it's better for you to live your life normally like the other kids your age, although it will have some restrictions, since you aren't fully healthy yet." his mother chimes in, providing him ample information that is easy enough to comprehend. Evren cannot believe his ears though.
"..."
"Isn't it exciting?" Iseul chirps cheerfully, shaking him playfully. "You get to live with us now!"
"...huh." Evren's body stiffens, his eyes going wide.
"We also enrolled you to a private highschool-you can make new friends and learn new things!"
That statement hits the nail on the coffin.
"..."
"...what."
Evren grabs Iseul by the shoulders and Iseul yelps in shock-her younger brother isn't one to initiate contact first and it's out of character for him to do so. Evren looks at her fiercely in the eyes and yet if it weren't for the silence that descends upon the room, she wouldn't have heard his question, barely even a whisper. "Is...is that true?" he asks, almost choking on his words. Evren can't believe it. This all feels too good to be true. Is this just a dream? "You're not lying, right? Did-did you mean what you all just said?"
His voice sounds so weak and quiet, as if afraid the answer Iseul will give him will prove him otherwise. Iseul has to restrain herself from tackling Evren in one big hug and squeezing him firmly like a teddy bear. Evren might get uncomfortable with her since they haven't gotten closer yet.
Iseul cracks a grin and ruffles Evren's hair. "Yep," she replies. "It's all true dongsaeng-you're going to live with us starting tomorrow!"
Evren can't hold himself back anymore. "Really?!" he asks eagerly, his eyes practically shining like stars. Will he finally get to leave the hospital? Will he finally venture and step out into the real world?
"Mhm-we're going to help you get ready for tomorrow."
Evren sweeps Iseul into a tight hug, something he would have not normally done, too overjoyed at the fact that he will obtain true freedom this time-not in the hallways outside his room and not in the garden-somewhere far greater than that. Iseul is stunned to see her younger brother embracing her first before hugging him back with welcoming arms.
She sends the rest of the family members a thumbs up, their faces filled with relief.
This is the first time they have ever seen the youngest member of their family expressing joy in its pure form explicitly. They're glad they get to witness it, lucky even. Evren is never one to let his true emotions show on his face and his actions, meticulously concealing it. As they watch Evren ask several questions to Iseul with her happily answering with no problem, they all share one thought.
They will do everything to keep this precious member of their family safe and happy, to make sure his surgery will be a success in the near future, and to never deprive Evren of his happiness.