Felix stares at the skeleton typing away at its computer, its tie hanging loose. The skeleton looks up and sighs, rubbing its skull. "D.E.A.T.H. is not liable or responsible for any death, dismemberments, insanity and transformation you have suffered." The skeleton rubbed its skull, muttering in exasperation. "If you are here to resign, please kindly hand in your letter and we'll process it in a timely manner—give or take a hundred or so years."
"Nope! I'm here to apply!" Felix straightens his back, grinning. "Hello! I'm Felix Calloway, and I'm applying to be a Grim Reaper!" He hands over his résumé. "You'll find my qualifications here! Here! And here! I've been interning for the last… years or so."
The skeleton stares at him, its single glowing eye fixed on Felix. Then, its jaw literally drops. Fumbling it back into place, it mutters, "Oh, um… you're hired? Wait—sorry, I need to make some calls." It gestures to a chair. "Take a seat."
"Thanks," Felix chirps, plopping down with his legs swinging.
The skeleton bangs open his phone and says. "Do we have a hiring process? What do you mean, 'We never expected applicants'!?" The skeleton clutches its skull, eyes flickering wildly as he taps onto the telephone. "Wait… where do I send him? Yes, yes he's human… I think." He screams "What do you mean I have to interview!? What do I even ask? You're the one that puts up that shitty job listing!"
"Send him where? Oh for the love of God—for once your life, work! You useless bum!" The skeleton bangs the phone against its skull before sighing, straightening its tie—its fabric so worn, its like hanging for dear life.
"So… I've talked with our management. I'll be sending you to your interview. Please kindly stand in front of the desk. And put your hand by your side."
Felix nods and stands straight, hand at his side. "Is this good?"
The skeleton gives him a thumbs-up. "Perfect."
Then the floor disappears beneath him.
As Felix plummets into the abyss, the skeleton lets out a relieved sigh.
"...First one to ever go to apply. Huh. Weird kid."
Felix holds his hand by his side as he falls. The darkness stretches infinitely in all directions, pressing against his skin like a heavy fog. Faces flicker in and out of existence, mouths open in silent screams, the sound of their agony like a cacophonous bell.
Felix looks at his watch, how long is this gonna take? It might be presumptuous of him but he's pretty sure his resume is gonna blow their socks off—or jaw. Hmm… maybe he should've tried remote work first, but he always did want to travel and being a grim reaper would help with that.
A wailing spirit clutches his arm. He bats it away absentmindedly. Oh shit. He forgot to ask about the benefits. Wait, was he going to be full-time? What are the laws again? He was sure he read somewhere of mandated benefits. He shakes away the thought, he could ask these later. Right now, he should focus. He throws his arms up and screams along with the tortured souls. "Let's do this!"
With such a thought he lands on a couch, ooh comfy. He looks around, the walls are a bland, beige color. A desk with a computer and a nameplate reading: "Solomon Vex."
In the center of the room, a man is exercising.
In a pink leotard.
Felix squints—the neon color is almost painful to look at. And yet, somehow, the man pulls it off. White hair, blue eyes, a jawline sharp enough to cut glass, and a face so immaculate it could put top models to shame. The sweatband? A surprisingly nice touch.
Wait… maybe this is a test?
Felix nods to himself, this was definitely a test. He looks at the screen in front of the man, the same one he's copying as he shouts, "Feel the burn!"
So, this is what being a professional is like. Felix feels a fire burning in his chest. He takes his tie and throws it to the side and lunged. "Feel the burn!"
Felix's movements are clumsy, the formal suit constraining his movements as he attempts to follow the routine on the screen. But the man beside him stares at the screen with immense concentration and something in him clicks. This job doesn't just require qualifications, it requires commitment.
Felix grits his teeth, throws away his coat and pulls up his sleeves. He came here not to try but to win. He throws himself into the dance, lunges along with the beat, twisted with grace as the rhythm pounds itself in his head. His heart hammers in his chest, as he throws himself into the dance.
Sweat drips from his brow as he slides with grace, his movement grows fluid. His body moves with every beat, flowing effortlessly. Until it stops, he breathes out in exhaustion. But he stands proud as if he had found a missing piece of himself
That was when the door opens with a voice, a woman enters. "Captain, where can I get the termination perm—What the fuck are you doing!?" Her eyes are sharp, wearing a suit and tie, with red eyes, lines running across her pupils, across her skin… cybernetics.
The man wipes off his sweat, "Oh, Val. Meet our new recruit."
Felix looks at him, then her and waves, "Ah, hello. Felix Calloway. At your service."
She hesitantly shakes his hand as she asks, "What are your qualifications?"
Felix stops and pulls out another copy of his resume, "This is kind of my first job, ma'am. I was hoping my internships and recommendations were enough."
She narrows her eyes, "First job, were you even interviewed."
"Well." He flickers his eyes to the captain, "Maybe?"
The captain laughs, "Oh Val, you saw how he danced. That's a fantastic interview. It shows what kind of man he is and the power of youth brimming in his soul." He clenches his fist over his heart, "And that was more than enough."
Felix wipes a tear off his eye, he had never felt so appreciated before.
Val stares at him, and says in the most deadpan voice. "You got lazy, didn't you?"
"Of course not, what kind of boss is lazy. Not me, of course!" He guffaws.
"People might die! You!" She swallows her words and shakes her head, "It doesn't matter." She points at Felix, "You! Bathroom. Now. Fix yourself up and get back here—I'm interviewing you properly."
Felix nods, grabs his tie, and hurries out—only to realize he forgot to ask where the bathroom was. He looked around for help, until his eyes landed on the reception.
At first glance, it looks ordinary—polished wood, a nameplate that reads "Mawmaw." But the longer he stares, the more the edges seem to bend, shifting in ways that feel familiar.
Dark pools stared back at him, like an endless abyss calling for his damnation. "Uh… where's the restroom?"
You are not from here, human." She tilts her head, those abyssal eyes unblinking. "Who are you?"
Felix offers his arm, "Oh! Felix Calloway. I'm here for an interview."
"You have come here… willingly?" She stares at it, confused.
"Yep, saw the job on an online site and decided to take my shot."
"Hmm… is this what you humans call stupid?"
He scratches his cheek, "Well, I wouldn't call it stupid, reckless maybe?"
"I see," She then pushes her hand forward, slowly as if being pulled by strings, "Then the restroom is there."
"Oh," He bows, "Thank you!"
He runs through the corridor, weaving past skeletons hard at work—some drowning in paperwork, others using their own femurs as weapons… maybe he has gotten lost. Suddenly, an explosion shakes the hall, and a door hurtles past his face, smashing through the wall. Felix peeks and sees a man and a skeleton stand, covered in soot.
"Resounding success!" The man exclaims, his glasses glinting.
"How is that a success!?" The skeleton shouts.
"Excuse you?" He brandishes his wand, "Did you not see the immaculate spellcasting? The perfect form of my wand? And the chant, I have evidently made another masterpiece of magic."
"I asked you to summon me, a cabinet! A cabinet!"
"Yes, and now you have no paperwork to put in the cabinet. Which means... no cabinet needed! I have solved your problem before it even existed. You're welcome."
"…I hate you."
The man pouts, "Fine, I'll try again." He pulls up his robe and readies his wand. "What type of cabinet did you want again? Redwood?" He pushes up his glasses as it glints, "One redwood cabinet, coming right up!"
He chants something as a hole in reality opens up, a cabinet with eyes and mouths summoned from the deepest of hell appears.
The skeleton stares at it, then back at Teddy. "Screw it. This is close enough."
Felix claps, impressed. "That looks like a cool cabinet! Really spices up the room."
"See, he gets it." Teddy's head snapped to his direction. "Wait, you're not bones! Who are you!?"
Felix waves, "Felix Calloway, at your service."
"Teddy, Teddy Albright—Archmage Extraordinaire, Master of Arcana, and, as fate would have it, the strongest wizard in the multiverse!"
"No way! You won the Wizard Games!?"
"Yup! Cleaned out five out of the seven categories. Oh nevermind that. Are you new? Then let me show you around."
"Oh, I'm good. I still have an interview. Just trying to clean myself up. Do you know where the restroom is?"
"Take a turn to the left, after the water fountain but before the storage room."
Felix nods, "Thanks!" Already running.
Felix bursts into the bathroom and runs into the stall. He wipes himself off as he tries to fix himself, his hair still wet from exercise. His sleeves are drenched as he tries to dry himself off. It took him a minute but as he wears the jacket, a voice asked.
"Wow, you're new."
Felix looks up and stares as a woman's face stared down at him with a shit eating grin, black hair that seemingly danced between the shadows. "Uh… did I go to the wrong restroom?"
"Nope." She grins, "Why would you think so?"
He grins back, "Oh, that's good. He fixes his ties. "I thought I mistook the signs."
"Felix Calloway, at your service."
"Eris. Just Eris." She offers her hand and he shakes it.
"Nice to meet you."
"Oooh," She coos, "This is going to be so fun."
"Uh… thanks?"
She disappears, a wisp of her grin remaining.
He stares at it and shrugs. Oh well, he has other things to worry about. He looks at himself and feels himself presentable enough as a man walks in, with a staff in hand. "Where is she?"
"Excuse me? Who?"
"Eris." He mutters, eyes flickering across the shadows.
Felix looks around, "Oh, she was just here. She flickered and disappeared in a mysterious and threatening way. Seemed fun."
"Of course, she would." He exhales slowly, eyes following the shadows.
"Oooh, a staff? Are you going easy on me, Everett?" Eris asks as she lounges above them, body half merged into the shadows.
"A sword is for battle." He taps his staff against the floor, shadows recoiling as the lights flicker. "A staff is for discipline." The robes' edges flow as he walks to her.
"Fix it." Their eyes lock as he commands, "Now."
Eris hums, stretching out like a cat. "But it was so cute, your wife enjoys the extra tentacles. Your kids are having the time of their life jumping across spacetime, and your dog finally gets to talk to the moon."
"Eris." He strikes his staff against the floor, as a formation appears beneath him.
Her grin falters, "No, no way! Not again!"
She throws her hand forward, tendrils of darkness bursting from behind Everett.
He taps it with his staff as it bursts into gold dust, "Try harder."
She grits her teeth as she pushes her hands forward, a dozen tendrils lashing out. Everett shifted his head, the first strike slicing through empty air.
Another shoots towards his chest but he shifts an inch, letting it pierce through empty air. A dozen more strikes follow, he taps his staff against the tendrils as he weaves between its strikes, each one bursting into dust.
"Gotcha!" Eris appears behind him, jumping from the shadows.
Then Everett appears behind her, tapping her with his staff. "How predictable."
The formation shifts beneath him and explodes into light as Felix closes his eyes.
When the light fades, Eris hangs in midair—limbs dangling like a cat being held up. "Kyaa! Ugh! Let me go!" Eris tries to fight as Everett holds her up like a cat. "You took away my magic!"
Felix claps, "Wow, you guys are really good at fighting!"
Everett and Eris turn to him, looking like they forgot he was even there.
Everett stares at him for a moment, "Who are you?"
Felix waves, "Felix Calloway, at your service!"
Eris surrenders as her limbs hang, "He's a newbie, Val's going to interview her."
Everett studies Felix for a moment, expression unreadable. Then, with a slow wave of his staff, golden dust sweeps over him—his clothes drying, his hair straightening as if he'd never broken a sweat. "There, you look more fresh for an interview."
Felix looks over his clothes, "Thank you so much! Sir!"
Everett nods as he drags Eris with him, "Let's go."
"Yes!" He runs to his side, "Uhm… is it alright to ask a few questions?"
"Of course."
"What exactly do you do?"
"D.E.A.T.H. is the Department of Eliminations, Assessment and Terminations of Hoodlums against the afterlife.
Eris whispers, "They really wanted the acronym."
Everett ignores her, "We preserve the natural order of reincarnation and afterlife by eliminating threats against the cycle."
Eris speaks up behind them, "Yup! We go to worlds, universes where souls don't get to where they're supposed to be and eliminate the problem."
Felix nods enthusiastically, "So… a cosmic cleanup crew?"
Eris shrugs, still being dragged behind them. "Yeah, basically. We go dungeon diving, assassinations, tournaments, anything you can think of to take care of the problem. Sometimes it's an eldritch entity, a rogue deity, a remarkably powerful person or just an artifact someone left behind."
Everett nods sagely, "It is a righteous job."
Eris chirps, "If not for the paperwork."
Everett opens the door to a room of silent, frozen figures. The captain nods in solemn approval. Teddy is vibrating with excitement. The receptionist stares at nothing, looking like she's questioning reality itself. And Val—Val looks like she's about to scream. Each of them clutches a copy of his résumé like they've just read a prophecy foretelling the end of days.
Felix takes a careful step back. "If this is about the picture, I swear that it was just the lighting!"