Rick and Morty sat on the couch, watching the chaotic events unfold.
Morty said, "You know, Rick… I didn't expect Reed to save Doom at the end. He's really a good guy."
Rick rolled his eyes, took a long swig from his flask, and muttered, "Yeah, yeah… but these heroes suck."
Morty frowned. "What do you mean, Rick? They lost, but they fought bravely till the end."
Rick scoffed, changing the footage of
Earth-616's history with a press of a button.
"Don't be fooled, Morty. These people are incompetent hypocrites. They wouldn't be reliable enough to rescue a cat from a tree without somehow starting a war."
The screen flickered as Rick launched into his rant.
"First off, the Illuminati invaded a Kree planet and attacked their leader… but didn't actually kill him. Then, they got captured, experimented on, and ended up creating the Super Kree. Oh, and they let Black Bolt get replaced by a Kree spy."
"They don't even trust each other. Tony Stark called Charles Xavier a manipulative mind-controller—like he isn't the biggest control freak in the room. And instead of, you know, preparing Earth for an actual multiversal apocalypse, T'Challa thought, 'Hey, let's have Queen Shuri start a war with Atlantis.' So Wakanda and Atlantis nearly wiped each other out in a pointless fight."
"Meanwhile, all their secrets got exposed by Thanos, who strolled in, stole their neutrino bombs, and treated their vault like an open buffet. They had all this 'secret knowledge,' yet they couldn't even protect their own planet from getting ransacked."
"Then they found a Beyonder chilling in space—an actual omnipotent being. And instead of recruiting him, they told him to get lost."
"Tony Stark kept the multiversal collapse a secret from Captain America. When Cap refused to blow up innocent planets, they mind-wiped him. Later, instead of solving the crisis, Tony and Cap spent more time arguing like a divorced couple fighting over custody of the Avengers."
"At one point, they gathered all the Infinity Stones—massive power boost potential, right? Nope. They gave them to Cap to stop one Incursion. The attempt failed, the Stones shattered, and they got nothing out of it. Then they got randomly thrown through time while the multiverse was collapsing… and instead of exploiting time travel to fix anything, they just wasted it."
"Oh, and let's talk about their brilliant use of assets. They had Ex Nihilo, a dude who can literally create perfect life, and the Star Brand, an insanely powerful force that could be transferred. Did they use them to strengthen their defenses? Advance their tech? Nope."
"Then they went full-on mass murderers, blowing up alternate Earths and slaughtering billions. When they met refugees from another universe, did they cooperate? No. They killed them and looted their corpses."
"Meanwhile, Doctor Strange sold his soul for more power, then had the audacity to call the other survivors 'frauds' for using magic artifacts to save their people."
"Black Swan flat-out admitted she was manipulating them and had already murdered alternate versions of them. And what did the Illuminati do? Nothing. Didn't even bother interrogating her properly."
"Instead of actually stopping the Mapmakers and Black Priests, they just watched from the sidelines and said, 'Wow, that sucks.' Meanwhile, Doctor Strange joined the Black Priests instead of, you know, fighting them."
"When the time came to use the doomsday bombs they built, they chickened out. They had Thanos, Terrax, and Black Swan locked up—but instead of executing them or using their powers, they let Namor take over and form the Cabal. And guess what? Namor immediately regretted it and started begging for help like a little bitch."
"When things spiraled out of control, instead of fixing their mess, the Illuminati tried sweeping it under the rug by trapping the Cabal on a doomed Earth. Except that Earth had a working portal, and the Cabal just waltzed into the Ultimate Universe like it was a casual vacation."
"Meanwhile, Doom was out there actually making progress. Not only did they ignore him, but they literally left behind the meteor that allowed him to pull off his entire plan. Instead of working with him or stopping him, they just shrugged."
"Reed Richards built 'survival rafts'—but only for a select few while the rest of humanity died. And, in a twist of irony, his own family didn't even make it. So much for that genius planning."
"And let's not forget The Maker—evil Reed Richards. The Illuminati captured him, knew how dangerous he was… and let him escape. He went on to wreak havoc in another universe."
"Then they landed on Battleworld, where Doctor Doom had somehow become God. Turns out, all the Beyonders—actual multiversal gods—got outplayed by Doom and wiped out. The only reason Doom lost was because Molecule Man—who had absorbed all the Beyonders' power—randomly decided to hand it over to Reed Richards because he gave him a cookie. Reed then used it to reboot the multiverse."
Rick shook his head and leaned back.
"And these are supposed to be the greatest minds in the Marvel Universe, Morty? I swear, I could fix this whole mess in five minutes with a screwdriver and a beer."
Morty sat there, stunned.
"I mean… when you put it like that…"
Rick scoffed, "That's right, Morty. Their entire universe is a joke. They just yap endlessly and accomplish nothing except getting wrecked and looking pathetic."
Morty, slightly intrigued, grabbed the remote and changed the channel.
The screen shifted.
---
A woman entered a building, red hair flowing beneath her headpiece. It was Wanda Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch from another universe.
As she walked through the halls, a few attempts to stop her were futile. She effortlessly dispatched anyone who dared stand in her way.
She eventually reached the main hall, where a group of heroes—this universe's Illuminati—awaited. Reed Richards stepped forward, taking the lead.
"Wanda, please," he pleaded, "I understand the pain of losing your children, but what you're doing—it's not the hero's way. We don't have to fight."
Wanda listened, calm yet cold.
Then, without warning, she unleashed a barrage of red energy, attacking them with her magic.
Reed reacted quickly, stretching his body in an attempt to restrain her.
For a moment, Wanda struggled, but her power quickly overpowered him. She flung him aside with a wave of her hand.
The rest of the heroes charged in.
Captain America—now a woman for some reason—threw herself into the fight, using her shield to block Wanda's attacks while trying to close the distance.
But Wanda, with her hex magic, countered every move.
After deflecting another blow, Captain America suddenly froze. Unable to move, she was sent crashing into a wall with terrifying speed.
Reed recovered quickly, landing in front of Wanda, his voice steady but desperate.
"Wait, Wanda. I'm the smartest man alive. If you keep this up, I'll use my intellect to stop you."
He pointed to the person beside him.
"See that guy? That's Black Bolt. He can obliterate you with a whisper. Surrender now, and we'll spare your life."
The mention of Black Bolt gave the heroes a surge of confidence. Black Bolt crossed his arms, smirking with unshakable confidence.
Wanda's eyes narrowed. "What mouth?"
Black Bolt's mouth was now gone.
The heroes froze in horror as Black Bolt attempted to speak, but only muffled noises escaped.
Wanda then used his own voice against him, causing his head to explode like a watermelon.
Reed, panicked, stretched again to attack, but Wanda restrained him with her magic. His body stretched unnaturally, his form becoming a rubbery mess before his head exploded in a horrifying instant.
The fight continued.
Captain Marvel, a little weaker than usual, soared through the air, firing energy blasts at Wanda.
Wanda blocked and dodged, finally sending Captain Marvel crashing to the ground with a devastating counter.
Captain America threw her shield, but Wanda deftly redirected it into a nearby wall.
Captain Marvel retaliated with full-force energy blasts, which Wanda deflected, but not without damage. She glanced around, spotting a statue, and sent it flying at Captain Marvel, hitting her directly.
Meanwhile, Captain America lunged from the smoke, gripping her shield.
Wanda was pushed back and rolled to the ground but quickly regained her footing.
Captain America smirked and said, "I can do this all day," unaware that she was outclassed by base Scarlet Witch.
She attacked Wanda aggressively, using her shield to strike.
Wanda blocked the punches and kicks with swift movements, then shoved Captain America back.
Unfazed, Captain America launched herself into another attack, throwing her shield.
Wanda reacted quickly, sidestepping the projectile.
However, this was part of Captain America's plan. The shield ricocheted off the wall and returned to Wanda.
But in an instant, Wanda turned and used her magic to alter its path and speed.
The shield, now with accelerated velocity, flew back toward Captain America, slicing her in half.
Wanda then turned her full attention to Captain Marvel.
She absorbed the energy of the hero's attack and sent it back in a massive explosion, knocking both women back.
As the smoke cleared, Captain Marvel stood weakly, her arms injured.
Wanda, unfazed, raised her hands, sending shattered glass into the air.
With a swift gesture, she directed it toward Captain Marvel, who could only watch in horror as the glass pierced her body, sealing her fate.
Captain Marvel struggled to stay on her feet.
Wanda made another motion, and the glass shards swirled around Captain Marvel, forming a spinning circle that began to close in on her and accelerate.
A brief but piercing scream echoed as Captain Marvel was torn apart by the glass, her body blended like a smoothie.
Only a pool of blood remained behind.
Wanda, now radiating full power, sent a wave of energy crashing around her. The destruction was overwhelming, and the area was littered with debris and bodies.
Just then, a voice broke through the chaos.
"Enough!"
A bald man in a yellow wheelchair rolled into view. It was Charles Xavier.
Wanda raised an eyebrow. "Are you the final boss of the Illuminati?"
Charles spoke calmly, "My name is Charles Xavier. You've gone too far, Wanda. I won't let you cause any more deaths."
Wanda, unimpressed, asked, "And how do you plan to stop me?"
Xavier took a deep breath. "You leave me no choice."
He lifted two fingers to his forehead and locked eyes with her.
Before Wanda could act, Xavier's telepathic power froze her in place. Unable to move or think, she was trapped in her own mind.
Charles stepped into a white, dream-like space—Wanda's mindscape.
He knew that the Wanda before him was being controlled by her alternate self. His goal was to free her, but if that failed, he would have to end it.
He walked through the mindscape, eventually reaching a dark cave where the trapped Wanda sat, her hand outstretched in desperation.
"Help me," the trapped Wanda whispered.
Charles moved quickly. "Wanda Maximoff, your mind is being held hostage by your alternate self. Grab my hand. If I pull you out, the spell may break."
But as he reached out, the ground shook, and the red sea of magic closed in around him.
Charles tried to retreat, but it was too late. He felt his body begin to corrupt under her power.
His telepathic strength allowed him to free himself from the trap, but as he turned, he found the specter of Wanda behind him.
Before he could react, Wanda placed her hands on his head and twisted. With a sickening snap, Charles Xavier's neck broke.
Back in the real world, Charles fell limp, his body lifeless. The last of the Illuminati had fallen, and in the span of a minute, the Scarlet Witch had destroyed them all.
---
Back in the living room, Rick and Morty sat in stunned silence.
Rick broke the quiet first, his voice laced with disbelief. "Holy shit, Morty. Did you see that? Did you see how she tore them apart?"
Morty nodded. "Yeah, that's kind of cool. Wanda's magic is insane."
Morty squinted at the screen. "Wait, aren't those the Illuminati from before? They look... different."
Rick sighed. "Yeah, Morty, these ones are from a different continuity."
Morty blinked, then frowned. "The guy in the blue suit—Reed Richards, right? Why'd he give up Black Bolt's power?"
Rick rolled his eyes. "Because in that reality, the Illuminati are idiots."
He snatched the remote. "Alright, we've seen enough Marvel nonsense. Give me that."
Morty handed him the remote.
Rick fiddled with the frequencies, the realities flickering before the screen stabilized on a new scene.