Looking back on my upper secondary days, it's bittersweet to reflect on both the best and worst moments of my life. Those years were filled with highs that I will always cherish, but also with struggles that left scars I've only started to comprehend now. It felt like I was constantly on the outskirts, never fully embraced by any group of friends. Most of the people I tried to connect with were already so tightly knit in their own circles, and I was left to hover around them, hoping to be noticed, hoping that maybe one day, they'd let me in. It felt like I was always the one on the outside looking in, watching everyone forms memories without me.
I remember one time when they said, "She doesn't hang out with her friends, let's just go together," and I thought that maybe this time, I'd finally be included. So, I'd go along, trailing behind them, hoping to feel a sense of belonging, even though deep down, I knew it wasn't real. I wasn't truly part of their world. It was like I was just a filler, someone they tolerated, not someone they genuinely wanted there.
But then, there was Ashley and her clique. That was different. They invited me to hang out, and each invitation came as a surprise, a sweet, unexpected joy. They were the kind of friends I had always dreamed of having – people who made me feel seen, who made me feel like I truly belonged. I remember thinking to myself, If I ever get married, I want them to be my bridesmaids. That's how much they meant to me.
Our first hangout was at an escape room, and I remember the excitement I felt as we solved puzzles together. Afterward, we went to the mall, and I couldn't stop smiling the entire day. The second time, we had a picnic at Botanic Gardens. It felt like one of those rare moments when everything clicked perfectly. We were just so in sync, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I had found a place where I truly belonged.
At school, we often went home together, and I would take pictures of them as they walked ahead of me, trying to capture the beauty of the moments we shared. Those pictures weren't just photos; they were memories I would cling to, moments that mattered more to me than I could put into words.
But then, Secondary 4 came, and everything began to change. It was a year full of drama and confusion, but it also marked the beginning of my friendship with Jaimie. We started talking more, hanging out, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could balance this new friendship with the old one. However, there was this constant guilt that weighed heavily on my chest. I was still trying to be loyal to Joanna, but my loyalty was torn, especially since Jaimie and Joanna didn't get along. I hated the idea of betraying one for the other, but I felt like I was forced to choose sides.
During the N-level period, Jaimie and I would go to school together. The stress was overwhelming, but somehow, those moments of companionship with her made the days feel lighter. We would laugh and chat, and the world outside our little bubble seemed a little less daunting.
Then, Secondary 4 ended, and I remember receiving a message from Joanna. She texted me after graduation, asking if I wanted to get the SGC certification with her. We hadn't talked much outside of class, especially during Math lessons where we had sat together for both A-Math and E-Math, so this felt like an opportunity to reconnect. We met up, and I remember sitting outside the school, catching up about life and everything that had happened. Joanna told me how she hadn't heard from Dhaniyah in a while and how she was considering applying for the DPP. She asked me about the application process, but I was still getting quick replies from Dhaniyah, so I was a bit confused. I just assumed that Dhaniyah was probably busy, and would get back to her soon.
Soon after, I was at home, applying for Secondary 5 because I didn't want to go to ITE. I ended up in the same class as Dhaniyah and Jesslin, while Ashley moved on to a foundation program in polytechnic. Most of the time, I stayed home, relaxing.
On the first day of school, I immediately sensed that something had changed. I could feel the distance growing between us, like a chasm that couldn't be bridged. We were just doing a simple class activity when they made me feel like everything I did was wrong. They scolded me and told me not to touch the pile of dominos. It was such an insignificant thing, yet it made me feel small and invisible. I was hurt, and for the first time, I felt deeply uncomfortable with them. They didn't even seem to notice how I was feeling; they just went on with their day as if nothing was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to speak up, so I chose to ignore them, to retreat into myself and process everything on my own.
As the year wore on, I felt more and more alienated. Every time I tried to approach them, they'd accuse me of ignoring them. But when I attempted to talk to them, they brushed me off, not even caring to ask why I felt the way I did. They didn't understand that the things they said and did were pushing me further away. I was exhausted, emotionally drained, but I didn't want to lose their friendship, so I just kept pretending everything was fine. It wasn't.
One moment, during Chinese New Year, I did something I deeply regret. I slapped Jaimie. It was a rash, impulsive decision, but it came from a place of accumulated frustration. I had been carrying guilt for how I treated Joanna, and at the same time, I felt this overwhelming exhaustion from everything that had happened. When Jaimie slapped Ashley on the arm and Ashley looked uncomfortable, I just… reacted. I slapped Jaimie back, as if to balance out the situation. But the moment it happened, I realized what I had done, and it felt like the last straw in a long list of unresolved issues.
Jaimie looked at me, completely confused, asking why I had done that. I didn't have an answer. Our relationship had always been complicated, filled with love and hate, and I guess that moment just brought everything to the surface. Later, I saw her private Instagram posts about me, and it hurt. She was angry, but she dismissed it as something from the past, something no longer relevant. But it was still there, lingering in the air.
As things began to unravel, I realized that Jaimie was a gaslighter. She manipulated situations to make me feel like I was the problem. I had no idea how deeply she was affecting me until I heard from Ashley that Jaimie had spread lies about me, blaming me for things I didn't do, posting everything on social media. That was the moment I knew I had to end things.
The final straw came when we tried to talk things out at McDonald's, organized by Ashley. We were supposed to clear the air, but Jesslin did something that disrupted the conversation, making it impossible to resolve anything. The tension between us was palpable, and I could feel the weight of all the misunderstandings and hurt. That's when I started developing symptoms of anxiety disorder, a constant knot in my stomach, always on edge, always second-guessing myself.
I started to feel like I wasn't validated, like no one trusted me, and worse, I felt manipulated by them at every turn. There were days when I would leave school early just to avoid them, just to escape the emotional toll they were taking on me. I would cry alone, in silence, and no one knew. Teachers would try to intervene, asking what was going on, but when I tried to explain, they didn't understand. To them, we were still close friends, but I knew the truth. There was a barrier between us that couldn't be crossed.
One day, after I invited them to help me find a dress for the school night, everything exploded. We were hanging out, and things seemed fine at first, but as the day wore on, it became clear that something had shifted. I was with Dhaniyah first, trying to find the dress, but nothing worked out. Then Ashley joined, and we just wandered around the mall. The turning point came when Jesslin arrived at JEM, and I told them the right place to walk to, but they didn't believe me. They ignored my directions and tried to help Jesslin find her way out of the mall, disregarding my input.
When Jesslin finally joined us, I could feel them start to side with her, leaving me out of the conversation. I tried to join in, but it was like I didn't exist. That's when my sister texted me, and I felt this overwhelming desire to just disconnect. I texted her back, telling her that I didn't want to hang out with them anymore. I was looking for someone to care, but all I got was more silence.
They texted me later, accusing me of being wrong. They tried to guilt-trip me, telling me how much they cared for me and how much they'd done for me, but I realized that they didn't truly understand me at all. I had been preparing birthday presents for them too, but none of that mattered anymore. What really stung was that they didn't even seem to notice how much I had given.
Then, on graduation night, I felt it again. The discomfort, the alienation. It was as if we had reached a point of no return, and no matter how hard I tried to fix things, it was already too late.