Graduation night started off with me hanging out with my friends from another class. I texted one of them because I had arrived too early, and I needed someone to talk to. But as the evening wore on, I realized that I couldn't fully enjoy the night, not because I wasn't surrounded by people, but because of the girls who had made me feel so anxious in the past. It was hard to breathe in their presence. They had become the reason I couldn't speak freely or even connect with anyone else.
Then Jesslin texted me, and for a moment, I thought maybe things were okay between us. After all, I had spoken to Ashley earlier, and she assured me that everything was fine. I figured this was a chance to try to move past the awkwardness. But as I sat down with my friends, Jesslin and Dhaniyah came in. I tried to settle into the moment, hoping things would smooth over, but it felt like I was just going through the motions. Jesslin, on the other hand, seemed to be having the time of her life, taking pictures with Dhaniyah while leaving me feeling completely isolated on the side.
I did my best to play it cool, trying not to show how much it hurt. I focused on talking to my friend on the other side, keeping myself occupied, pretending everything was normal. But inside, I was a storm of emotions, silently battling the sense of being invisible, the sense of not being wanted.
After the photo session ended, Ashley made her way to the school near the MRT to take pictures with us. The moment felt like a fleeting illusion of connection, one that vanished the second they decided to head over to Dhaniyah's place. I, on the other hand, made my way home alone.
The train ride back was long and quiet. I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness, a gnawing emptiness that weighed on me. Yet, when I got off the train, I mustered up all the strength I could to smile at my mother and tell her, "Graduation was fun." It was a lie, but I had to say it. Because in that moment, I realized that I had learned to hide my true feelings, to mask the pain, even when it felt unbearable.
I wasn't sure where things were going with them. The night wasn't what I'd hoped for, but somehow, it felt like it wasn't the end. I didn't know what the future would hold for these friendships, but as I sat there in the quiet of the train, I told myself that I wasn't ready to let go. Not yet.