Helpless, Zayn sighed.
— Listen, I don't know what's bothering you, but I really don't like this kind of atmosphere. So, it might be selfish, but I'd like you to tell me about it. In exchange, I could share something about myself, so we're even.
Tora did have a lot of questions on the tip of his tongue. Resigned, he sighed before beginning.
— Have you ever felt like no one was on your side and that you were left to fend for yourself ? he started. That's how I always feel. The worst part isn't even having to do everything alone, even if it means failing miserably, but the fact that, no matter what I do, no one ever really cares. In the end, it makes me feel like everything I do is pointless, like it doesn't really have any value.
» I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, not at school or at home, as if I wasn't even meant to exist in the first place. I've always thought the answer was somewhere else, and that it was entirely my fault for not finding it. So, I kept pushing, again and again, feeding myself false hopes, only to end up even more disappointed than the last time.
» Yet, it's not like I was looking for a girlfriend or to get married. All I wanted was someone to talk to, someone who wouldn't treat me like a ghost or some worthless thing. But no matter where I went, I kept moving from one hell to another, over and over… until I ended up stuck in my…
» Anyway. Are you even capable of understanding what I'm saying? Why aren't you like the others ? Why do you keep talking to me and staying with me ? Why did you put yourself in danger to help me, when you'd only known me for a few hours ? Honestly, I can't help but think that you'll eventually find someone more interesting than me and that, like everyone else, you'll just leave me behind.
Zayn listened carefully, understanding the depth of the situation. He realized that a simple answer wouldn't be enough to earn Tora's trust. He pulled a notebook from his bag, tore out a page, and handed it over to him.
"The notebook he didn't want to talk about ?"
— This notebook, it's a record of my memories and thoughts. I had reached a point where I wasn't sure if I was even alive anymore. It felt like life had stopped… not just mine, but everyone's. Every day felt the same, everyone did the exact same thing, ended up in the same place. The same lines kept repeating, as if I was watching a movie on loop.
» The teacher, she was just the teacher. I only saw her in class, and she explained ridiculously simple things in the most complicated way possible. I couldn't understand anything, even though I knew perfectly well it wasn't that hard. But there was no one there to explain it to me differently. So, instead of studying like everyone else, I struggled to figure out what was wrong, making things even harder for myself. The classmates, they were just classmates. I only saw them at school and never understood anything they talked about. We didn't have anything in common, and it bothered me that they never explained the context of their conversations, as if I was supposed to guess. Mom, she was just Mom. She cooked, said hello, vacuumed the living room. Always in the same spot, always doing the same things.
» You see, it's like in a video game. Everyone has their role, specific places they have to be at certain times. That's how the program is built. And if it bothers you, normally, you just change the game. But in real life, you can't change the disk because we're on the other side of the screen. We're NPCs, not players, despite what we'd like to believe.
» All of this to come back to this notebook. It contains the entirety of my existence. It's as if I managed to decode my own program and hold it in my hands. It's my way of feeling in control of my own life. It's the very proof that all of this means something.
» The page I gave you... it's the one where I wrote about you, the very first time I saw you. It's the core of my thoughts, the most sincere one.
Tora was so absorbed in Zayn's story that he had forgotten he was still holding the page in his hands. Zayn gave him a small nod, as if granting him permission to read it.
« First day at Pluton University. I was late because I hurt my foot on the way, and I have no idea how I'm going to climb the stairs in this state. Honestly, it hurts like hell !!
I fell asleep on a bench while waiting, and someone accidentally woke me up. It was a boy as beautiful as the first light of sunrise. I'd like to get along with him, but I don't really know how to do that anymore. Good luck ! »
Tora felt a heavy weight lift off his shoulders. He read that little piece of paper several times, committing every word to memory. Then, he took a pen from his backpack, drew an arrow starting from the "Good luck" and wrote at the other end, "Mission Successful !"
— It's like in a video game, he added with a smile.
He handed the paper back to Zayn, who folded it carefully in half. He ran his thumb over the sheet, as if to caress it, before placing it between two pages in his notebook.
— With you, I no longer have that feeling, he confessed, visibly relieved.
A brief grimace twisted the corner of his lips, forming a subtle smile that had a certain genuine quality to it.
After about twenty minutes, they reached the third stop : Stardium Station. This massive station, with its nine tracks, was famous for its vast mosaic vault stretching nearly 100 meters. From there, accessing most shops was easy, as it was located right in the heart of the city.
Zayn jumped up suddenly and announced out of nowhere :
— Well, I'm getting off here !
— What ? You're going to wander around the city at this hour ? The stores are about to close anyway…
Zayn was already at the back of the cabin and hadn't listened.
— SEE YA !
Tora simply waved a hand in response before letting out a sigh.
As he stepped out, Zayn headed left, even though the exit was on the right, leaving him facing a dead end. The train started moving again, and Tora watched as Zayn continued walking in the same direction, as if nothing was wrong.
When he reached the end, he realized there was nothing but a thick wall blocking his way and turned around. He looked around awkwardly, making sure no one had seen him. Tora, stifling a laugh, quickly hid just in case Zayn glanced his way.
Up until now, he had seen Zayn as someone unwavering, effortlessly charismatic. It was oddly reassuring to see him make such a dumb mistake, it made him feel more human, more… normal.
For the rest of the ride, Tora hurried to put his earbuds back in and play some music, anything would do.