For what I long
I open my eyes, gazing up at the moon. It must be around nine; I can tell by the position of the moon.
Emilia is breathing softly beside me. I gently touch her cheek, waking her up little by little.
"We fell asleep..." She stretches her arms, yawning. "When will you make a clock? Its timekeeping is better than ours, though ours is prettier, hehe."
Clockmaking is fundamental. Having at least mechanical clocks is a necessity. Due to the sun's position at noon, there are shadows, but I haven't noticed any changes in all the time I've been here.
That means this world doesn't rotate as it should. It stays static. The magnetic field that protects it is probably made of mana. The physical effects copied from Earth are likely the result of some history I don't know about.
'I might not know how to make a precise clock, but I can make something different.' Up until now, I thought mechanical clocks would be more accurate, but it's different when we're talking about clocks here.
'There's a chance I can make them. I should talk to Echidna.'
"Isn't the sundial at the mansion enough for you?" Betty and I made a sundial a while ago, but we never finished a mechanical one; I don't have all the knowledge I need. "Though you're right, I should finish it."
The army has one, and there's another in the plaza, but you can't really use them well at night or on cloudy days. People haven't adapted since they still use this world's schedules, but it wouldn't be a problem if I just improved the clock system they already have here.
Time management is important for both the wallet and the heart.
"Before winter, I'll gift you a beautiful clock." I stand up, smiling at her. She starts walking, clasping her hands behind her back.
"Hmpf! We'll see!" She leans down to look at me, winking. "If you don't, then you'll have to do whatever I say."
I nod, sighing with a smile, gazing at the sky without saying anything.
'As if I'm not already doing that.'
We continue our path in silence, appreciating the forest that's slowly disappearing with all the new constructions. Unfortunately, it's part of society's progress; it's our duty to create sustainable models for both.
When we arrive at the mansion, I see a large carriage in front of the entrance.
'I don't recall carriages at this hour.'
"Are you sure you want to do this now?" Otto asks, looking toward the person covered by the fountain.
Emilia and I approach, seeing that Rem and Otto are loading things onto the carriage.
"Good evening." We both greet them, catching their attention.
"Good evening," they reply.
Emilia looks at the boxes being packed and takes the initiative to load them into the carriage. Rem quickly grabs Emilia's hand, looking at her with some concern.
"You both need to leave tomorrow. You should rest," Rem smiles, and Emilia smiles back.
"Then let's finish up quickly," Emilia says, making Rem reluctantly agree.
I can tell that Rem is deeply affected. Living here, where she was practically raised to serve the one who nearly killed her sister, must be a lot to bear. Facing those feelings, knowing she has the chance at a better life—or at least one far from those memories.
'All the hatred bottled up in her heart seems to be directed toward this place.'
They say running away is bad, but there's no need to hurt yourself without reason. In time, she'll be able to face it with a clearer perspective, especially now that her sister is unwell.
This mansion is practical; I can train magic here, have my lab and everything else, plus Grímnir is here. But I'd rather take a few extra steps and work elsewhere than stay here.
We help Rem load everything, and it's time for us to leave.
Otto isn't coming with us to the capital since his duty is to continue working on the projects. As Emilia and I say our goodbyes, Otto stops me.
"Come with me for a moment." His gaze is nervous and sad at the same time. His hands tremble, and he seems hesitant.
"Sure."
I walk with him to a secluded part of the garden. I sit on a planter, watching Otto curiously. He paces back and forth, probably thinking about what to say. 'Is this about Rem?' Since she's leaving and he's staying at the mansion, 'it must be hard for him to be away from her after living together for months now.'
"I want to ask Rem if I can stay with her." I hear Otto's voice, but somehow my mind doesn't fully process it.
I look at him in surprise, and the nervous expression I expect from him turns into one of determination. Otto looks at me steadily, even though his hands are still shaking.
I've known about Otto's feelings for a while.
Otto had realized it too, and we've talked about it before.
He's my friend, but what he's saying isn't just some casual thing. It's one thing to ask someone out and then move in together, but this... this is much more serious.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" he asks, as if I was some kind of robot that gives instant answers.
"Hold on..." I stop him, trying to analyze the situation.
Sure, friends can live together, but the problem is that's not Otto's intention. I can see it in his eyes; he doesn't want to live as just friends. Considering Ram's condition, it seems like he might be taking advantage.
'But Otto's not like that.'
"Are you sure?" I ask, and Otto nods.
I think for a second, and his cheeks start to flush.
"You know? From before, we already..." Otto steps closer, whispering in my ear. "We've already held hands and... stuff."
My eyes widen, surprised by this revelation. I look at him excitedly, as I honestly didn't think they'd gotten that far. I feel a bit bad that he didn't tell me sooner, but at the same time, I'm happy for him.
"What kind of stuff?" I smile at him, eager for the juicy details he's about to spill. Otto's eyes and mouth open for a second, then he turns his back to me.
"I'm not telling you now!" he shouts, stomping the ground with force. He looks off to the side, and the expression he makes surprises me: a smile full of pain, tinged with melancholy and love. "I know it's bad timing, but I also know what loneliness does to her heart."
For a moment, I can see the innocent facade of Otto fade away. Standing tall, with his eyes locked on the person he loves, it's clear he's taken a different step in the direction of his life.
"I want to be the one to support her, to become someone invincible by her side." Today, Otto's eyes shine brighter than the stars, and his chest seems filled with longing and strength. "I want to help her with Ram; it won't be easy for her to manage both her job and caring for her."
I smile because it makes me happy to see my friend take a step forward. Everyone has been moving on, even Otto is doing so now.
"You've grown." I clasp my hands together, smiling brightly. "Otto Suwen, what do you think comes first, emotions or reason?"
Otto stares at me, unsure of the reason for my question. His gaze drifts for a second, then he looks down.
"Emotions always come first..."
Emotions are a response from the limbic system; most animals have them. They are those nearly instant reactions that allow you to act on impulse, the primitive form of reason, "instinct."
That's why I didn't decide to accept Emilia back then; I didn't know if it was a rational decision or just a reaction to seeing a light in the middle of the darkness.
"So, who's acting in you?" I ask, and he looks at me, unsure.
He stops for a second, then sits next to me. Minutes pass, and I wait patiently for him to find his answer.
"After what happened with Roswaal, I saw her break down, I see her crying alone, I see her cry when she sees her sister. It hurts, it hurts a lot to see her like that. Her decision to leave is the right one, but in some way, it still hurts to see her go."
He looks up at the sky, extending his hand toward it.
"I want to see her happy, I want to be there for her, no matter what." Then he clenches his hand into a fist. "But I don't want to take advantage of her pain. If I did, I'd be nothing more than a scumbag. I couldn't bear to hurt her like that; I'd rather die than do that."
I open my eyes, feeling Otto's emotions as if they were my own. I've always admired Otto because, despite all the hardships, he's stood tall and moved forward. Despite his bad luck, he always finds a way to get by.
"I know you understand what I'm saying. It's not just about love. They're both hurting, and I just want to ease their burden a little." He intertwines his fingers, looking down at the ground. "I have a bigger workload than her, that's something I hadn't considered until now, so I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to be an extra weight on her already heavy shoulders either."
A sigh heavy with responsibility escapes his body, but he doesn't seem uncertain. Despite saying it, his body radiates a palpable determination to help her. I can see it—my friend already has someone he can't take his eyes off of.
It's inevitable. They interacted so much, got along so well. Love blooms when you pour enough care and attention into it.
"If I ask her and she doesn't accept, it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want to, right?" he asks, and I nod. "The only thing I can do right now is stay with her; that's all I want to do. I..."
Otto opens his eyes, and the light in them tells me he's found his answer.
"Now I get what you were talking about. I already had the answer, but I hadn't thought about it in detail." Otto smiles, looking up at the sky. "I want to be with her. Both my emotions and reason are telling me the same thing. I just want to be there for her when she's suffering, and if she wants me to leave, I'll step back for as long as it takes."
Otto looks at me intently, the determination in his words giving more weight to his decision. The man standing in front of me has been through countless things. Now, even though he's missing a limb, he can still perform his duties flawlessly.
'I'm sorry I didn't try to find another solution to your problem, my friend.' I close my eyes, smiling as he thinks. 'I promise I'll replace your hand with a better one—that'll be your birthday present.'
"My workload is only going to increase as I find people who can take over the tasks I need done." A cold sweat trickles down his forehead. "I know it won't be easy, but at the same time, I feel like I can do it. I know the situation is tough, and I should be sad; in fact, I am." His smile grows, showing a palpable determination. "But just as I feel sad, I also feel this strength inside me, pushing me to overcome everything. Do you understand?"
I smile, nodding immediately.
People underestimate emotions; they think they're unnecessary or that they make you weaker. Believing that, in itself, is a weakness. Emotions are what mold our bodies to break through our limits.
To believe and move forward.
The love in Otto's heart gives him the strength to believe, to have faith in himself, and to push through.
"There's no greater power than emotions, so I'm sure you can do it." I smile, and he smiles back. "Just make sure you acknowledge what you feel, the rest will flow naturally."
Thinking about what could happen is what reason does; reacting to it is what emotions do. Both are important, but we must always remember that reason will give us the most logical answers.
Understanding that both matter is what makes someone more 'mature.'
"If you want to be with her, you've got nothing to lose by asking. If she doesn't accept, you can wait for a better moment." I get up, looking at the sky. "If she says yes, then great; what matters is that it's a decision you both make, not just you. But, well, in the end, it's your choice."
'I'm washing my hands if this goes wrong.'
Otto knows Rem better than anyone, so he's the one who knows if she'd be willing. He knows about her pain and how much she wants this. As his friend, my only duty is to guide him, so he finds his own answer.
'It has to be his, not mine.'
"I... I'm going to do it." Otto's eyes light up as he stands, his doubts seemingly dispelled. He clenches his hands, trying to control the trembling in them. "I need to look stron—"
I smack him on the back, making him yelp and try to rub the spot with his one good hand.
"Hey!" Otto glares at me, and I grin.
"If you're scared, you don't have to hide it completely. Be honest and strong at the same time. There's no need to hide fear; it shows how much you care."
I look at him proudly, seeing my friend take another step forward in his life.
"Be yourself, grow as yourself. Being you is the greatest privilege this life can give you. Otto Suwen, you're a great man—you just have to be you."
I smile, and he opens his eyes in surprise. He stares for a few seconds, but before I get more uncomfortable, I give him a thumb-up.
"If she rejects you, we'll get drunk." I wink, and he starts laughing.
"Ha! If I drank like you, I'd die." He holds out his fist, and I bump into mine. "Perfect!"
'Good luck.'
Otto walks slowly toward Rem while I say goodbye to both and close the mansion doors. As I do, I see an angelic figure waiting for me.
"You took your time." Emilia looks at me with a smile. "What were you talking about?"
If I tell her the gossip, we'll be up all night talking about it, so it's better to leave it for another day.
"I was going to ask you for advice on an important decision..." Emilia looks at me, but when she sees my face, she decides not to ask.
We both walk through the mansion, heading to our rooms. As we're about to part ways, she grabs my arm. I turn to see what she wants, but suddenly, her lips land on my cheek before she runs off.
"Goodnight," she says, disappearing from my sight.
"Goodnight..." I mutter into the air, heading to my room. I take off the necklace, placing it on the nightstand.
As I stare at it, I pick it up again and gently kiss it.
"Rest well, my little girl. Your dad will pull through for your sake."
What Marco told me is true. I still have so many things on my mind: I want to talk to my brother face to face. I want to see my parents and tell them what I've done. I want to proudly show them that their son is making progress.
I feel the tears wanting to fall, but I quickly hold them back.
'I don't want to cry right now.' Sometimes, I wish I had Marco's mental strength in situations like this. I know it's the result of his experiences, but my situation isn't that different. I haven't lived through the horrors he has, but I know his way of being isn't solely because of that.
The way he carries himself is reassuring, like he knows everything.
You don't feel bad asking him for help because the way he explains things doesn't make you feel like an idiot. We've always been similar—his way of speaking and mine are practically the same.
The difference is in our emotions and what we're trying to achieve. I tend to be the target of jokes, but that's fine by me. It makes me happy because I know they respect me just the same.
After the tragedy during the battle, I could see it.
He's changed. I noticed right away.
I could see emotions that were hard to notice before. He's scared, but he's still trying to stay upright. Everyone noticed the sadness in his eyes when we talked about the losses and the problems we had.
I know a ruler has to stay strong, but for us, it was a different feeling.
We all felt united in that meeting. For the first time, I saw the human being behind that wall of strength.
It was like he was someone else, but at the same time, I felt like my friend was still there with me.
I keep walking, getting closer and closer.
Just as he was able to change for the better, I can too. I have to stop believing that my bad luck will only make me fall. I want to believe beyond that, even beyond what I've achieved.
My luck is bad, that's true.
Rem's... well, hers isn't great either.
But we've both endured adversities. We've both suffered through sleepless nights together. I look at my arm, wondering if I'll ever get my hand back.
'Although, I'm grateful because losing my hand allowed me to break that barrier.'
It's not a huge obstacle at this point. I've already learned to write with a custom-made prosthetic. It's not a hand, but it works for writing and grabbing things. I know there are more advanced prosthetics, but we haven't found a good artisan or someone willing to sell one.
I don't care how much money I have to spend, but I want something well-made, at least.
The other option is to have a transplant like they did with Lucas, but there's still no one with a similar build to mine. I don't want to depend on that; it'd be like wishing for someone's death just so I can live.
'Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.'
I've accomplished a lot despite the adversity. I've cried and suffered so much, but I've gotten back up.
That's why...
I look ahead, seeing Rem finishing organizing everything. I see the space left in the carriage, eager to fill it.
I want to be the one to help her, to get home and cook something together.
I can't help it. I want to be there for her. It's for what my heart longs.
Rem looks up at the starry sky, the moon reflecting in her beautiful blue eyes. Her hair flows with the warm breeze, and I take another step forward.
Her eyes lock on mine, my heart racing so fast it takes my breath away. I try to speak, but my throat goes dry immediately.
'Emotions first, then reason.' I wait a few seconds, closing my eyes to push back the fear overwhelming me.
"Are you okay?" she asks, and I nod.
"I want to talk to you." I open my eyes, looking at her with determination.