What My Heart Desires
The memory cuts through me again, like a warning from fate.
That's how it was. After we talked, she told me everything. The stress of handling Irlam's affairs was making her forget to weave; there was no time left. She realized that she wanted to follow her own path, and being a secretary was holding her back.
"But I want to help. I don't want you to be alone, doing all that," she said, and my heart ached even more than before.
It hurt me that she wanted to leave because I wanted to be with her, and it hurt her that she couldn't help me. That pain gnawed at me, but it also turned into strength, and my name became a promise.
"I'm Otto Suwen. No matter how many hardships I face, I'll always move forward." I smiled, looking at her directly, without fear. "If that's how you feel, then I'll become stronger and smarter. That way, my work will be easier, and you can chase your dream."
Before I even realized it, I was holding her hand. My body felt warm, my heart pounded as if it wanted to burst out of my chest. In that moment, standing before Rem's feelings, I grew stronger.
"Seeing you achieve your dreams and being happy will help me more than watching you be sad doing something you don't want." I told her straight, and I watched her tears flow. "Be happy, because I will be too."
Later, we lay down, holding hands just like now. We both stared at the moon, sharing our emotions.
'Yes, just like this moment.'
"You know..." Rem wipes away her tears from laughing, then leans over to wipe mine. "What I appreciate most in a person is honesty. I think, above all else, I'm just realizing that now."
She gently caresses my head, and all I can do is admire her, stopping myself from just grabbing her and hugging her.
"I like that we communicate, that when I tell you something, you try to see it from my perspective. And when you share your own view, trying to make me feel better, I like that too." She keeps looking at me, caressing my cheek softly. 'Though I should be the one doing this.' "I like that when you're upset, you tell me. And when something bothers you, you're able to say it in a kind way."
In part, I owe this to Crusch. She makes me aware of how my own actions hurt me. She helps me see that if I don't express myself when I'm hurting, the only one who ends up suffering is me.
'To think that's what makes Rem see me differently.'
"You're considerate, sweet, playful, and quite innocent, hehe." I try to speak, but her little giggle doesn't stop, so I just smile. "Despite that, you've kept your word. You're a bit clumsy, and you can be absent-minded about certain things, but those quirks are part of who you are."
Normally, it makes me uncomfortable when people say things like this, but coming from her, it makes me feel like the best person in the world. It makes me feel vulnerable and protected at the same time.
Love is so contradictory that if I didn't know how to appreciate it, I'd get lost in its maze.
I look into her eyes with determination, and with resolve, I say, "I want to move in with you."
I hold her hand and see her expression. Instead of surprise, there's a smile. Instead of annoyance, there's only happiness.
"Hehe, I guess we can do that," Rem keeps laughing, and with that, my heart is content. Even with so many problems, even with so many things left to solve—"To be honest, I wanted to suggest that even before this tragedy. I know you and my sister haven't interacted much, and I know the situation isn't great, that I should be focused on moving forward."
I squeeze her hand, trying to share my determination with her.
"I had no idea this would happen, much less that my heart would shatter into a thousand pieces all at once!" Her tears fall, but her smile remains as she keeps crying. "I just wanted a peaceful life… No, I didn't want this to happen! THAT MONSTER! He raised us, gave us hope, both of us."
Her gaze drifts away, and the shining lake turns into the night—a cloudy night that reveals nothing but the abyss.
"I thought he cared about us…"
I want to hold her, tell her everything will be okay, but I have to restrain myself; right now, Rem needs to let it all out.
"My sister is unwell, my savior turned out to be a monster, the cities are in danger of being overrun by the cult, so many people have died, and here I am, feeling happy!" She hits her chest, staring at me intensely while her tears continue to fall.
My eyes widen, feeling a pang of guilt in my chest. I know it isn't my fault, that I shouldn't feel this way, but 'how can I not when the person I love is crying in front of me?'
"Rem." I let go of her hand, gently stroking her cheek. She takes my hand, holding it tightly as she sobs. "Don't try to downplay the good in your life by thinking we should focus only on the bad. There are no feelings you shouldn't have; there's just what you feel."
My cheeks warm, a smile forms on its own, and all I can see are her tears streaming down her face. One of them touches my hand, and a fire ignites within me.
"I learn this on my own, during my journey to find a life. I learn it by interacting with everyone, just as I learn it from watching you." The way each person feels, how they react—"Your sister wouldn't want you to be sad over her all the time, and that monster doesn't deserve even a single one of your tears; they're too precious to waste on him."
I look at her intently, ensuring that, in this moment, her eyes see only me.
"What you feel is okay; embrace it, because both the sadness and joy you experience are part of the Rem standing in front of me." I smile, trying to convey my warmth to her. "You can be happy in your sadness and sad in your happiness. What matters is that you move forward."
I want to dispel her doubts; I want her to look ahead without feeling that all she can do is suffer.
"We are who we are. We're together, and we'll get through this together." She nods, her hands clinging to mine. In that moment, I feel I have to be a rock, a pillar capable of holding everything up. "It's okay to suffer, but it's also okay to be happy."
It has been so long since it happened since I saw her doubt herself. You can't always be at your best. Seeing her like this hurts because I know all the effort she's put into changing.
I stand up, swallowing my embarrassment, and with a sincere smile, I look her in the eyes. The reflection of the moon and the sky in her eyes gives me more strength. Her gaze is fixed on me, and that's all I need to become the sun that brings light to the lake in her eyes.
"I, Otto Suwen!" I declare, releasing her hands and pounding my chest with determination.
Just as before, I make her another proposal. I know it isn't the right time, but I know I'm not taking advantage. I do it because my heart and hers are connected, because I want to be the one to make her smile.
"Son of Mazeran Suwen and Framir Suwen, I swear by the GREAT dragon of LUGUNICA! I swear by the moon and the beautiful lake in your eyes!" I look at her with resolve, and she widens her eyes in surprise, tears flowing, her lips trembling as she tries to smile. "I will become a man worthy of your smile! I will fight for everyone's sake, and…"
I kneel on the grass, facing her as she gazes at me, stunned. Her eyes lock on mine, her pain that I long to share.
"I'll protect you, stay by your side, and do everything to make you happy." I close my eyes, swallowing the heart that's trying to burst out of my chest. When I open them, I see her gaze fixed on me as she covers her beautiful lips with her hand. "I know I have many flaws, and I don't think everything will be perfect. But what I can promise is that I'll be there, through the good and the bad. No matter the problems, as long as we're together, I know we'll find a way forward."
Despite everything, my heart feels joyful. Despite everything, I still want to keep moving forward. Today, the sky is more beautiful than any song could describe. Today, the sky is more beautiful than my eyes can fully appreciate.
'This wasn't part of the plan.'
Somehow, my body moved on its own, my emotions taking control of me. "All I want is to see you happy, to see you smile, and to give you my shoulder when you need to rest."
I hear the buzzing of my friends. Several fireflies gather, swirling around us.
"It's about time!" "Tell her!"
Animals are a world of their own; even if many don't believe it, they have their own form of consciousness. Receiving their signal, I realize their plan, and a wide smile spreads across my face.
"I may lack many things, and even if I lose a hand…" Suddenly, she descends, a white owl holding my gift in its beak. I know this isn't the best moment, and there are countless problems. But I don't see an issue with bringing a tiny light into this chaos.
After all, I just promised her.
"I'll be that light that stays bright when you feel dim." The owl drops a necklace into my hand, and I see the surprise in her eyes.
The fireflies dance, encircling us and extending their glow to the stars. But the only light I see is from the person in front of me. Her smile is the only brightness that illuminates mine.
"I like you…" The words slip from my mouth, and her eyes narrow as she looks down, taking the necklace in her hands.
"It's an aquamarine; I brought it for— Ouch!" A peck on my head makes me shout for a moment. I glare at the owl, but she glares back.
"I was the one who brought it!" the owl seems to say as she tries to peck me again.
We start struggling, but suddenly, her attack makes me fall onto my back. When I realize it, Rem is looking down at me, eyes wide, leaning in to get a better look.
'Ugh… I think I messed up.'
I look at her nervously, but she quickly starts to smile.
"Hahaha!" We both begin to laugh as the owl continues to peck me for stealing her credit, and Rem can't stop laughing.
I don't mind seeing her sad; in fact, I'm glad she felt that way and let her emotions out. But I love seeing her smile, and I can't help but try to make her smile whenever I get the chance.
'Give me a little face...' I silently plead to the owl, and she stops pecking me.
This owl is a pet Rem rescued just before her journey, and she often communicates with her through me. She's incredibly intelligent, more so than any other animal I've met.
"Rem." I take one end of the necklace, and the owl takes the other. Her hair flutters in the breeze, but her gaze remains locked on mine. "I want to be with you, through the good and the bad. Will you allow me?"
I know Rem and I have feelings for each other, and I should probably say, "I love you." But the weight of those words is still too much for me. Love is the ultimate step, the strongest of all emotions.
Then, just as I fasten the necklace around her neck, she leans in close to me.
"I like you too," she whispers in my ear, and with that, I feel the dawn of a new chapter.
With that, I feel the arrival of a hopeful future.
I have enough determination to go after those who matter to me and give my other hand if necessary. For her, I'd put my body in front of a great dragon or even the witch of envy if it came to that.
"This necklace was given to me by my mother a long time ago; it's meant for the person I fall in love with." I infuse it with mana, causing the stone to glow a sky blue, like her eyes. "The necklace can store mana and will enhance your connection with water magic. I hope it serves you well."
She looks down at the necklace on her chest, holding it in her hands with a smile.
"I didn't have anything prepared… I'm sorry." She lowers her gaze for a moment, but I lift it back up with my hand. I hold her chin, and with my cheeks and ears burning, I try to play it cool:
"Your smile is the only gift I need." She looks at me, then grins and narrows her eyes.
"It doesn't suit you," she teases with a little laugh, then stands up. She looks at the sky, sighs, and extends her hand. "Let's pack up, alright?"
As we walk, my mind starts to settle. My nerves return, and I can't even speak. I glance over at her, noticing she's blushing deeply too.
'Looks like we both got carried away by our emotions.' Marco warned me, but I couldn't help it.
Luckily, I don't regret it.
I look away, and the owl perches on Rem's shoulder.
"You still haven't named her, right?" I ask, trying to break the ice.
Rem looks at the owl, then starts thinking, murmuring softly while gazing at the sky. Suddenly, she opens her eyes as if the answer has come to her.
"Nova, what do you think?"
"It means 'new,' doesn't it?" I ask, and she nods.
The owl responds to the name, fluttering her wings and flying toward the trees, calling out her name. I smile, watching until she's out of sight.
"Looks like she liked it," I say, looking at Rem, who smiles.
"I'm glad."
We both pack up my things. With her help, it doesn't take long. I finish organizing my folders and documents while she helps lower my clothes and other items. It must already be the next day, so it's best we leave.
"Could you help me take my sister tomorrow?" she asks as she finishes loading a box onto the carriage. "I want to take her in the afternoon since Emilia will be giving her treatment in the morning before she leaves."
I have a lot to do. I need to go over the documents from the war, and since I'll be managing the economy, I also need to see how the money will flow during and after the trial.
This is no longer a small-scale task; with the new contracts, decisions made, and our action plans, everything has to start perfectly.
Still, I can wake up a little earlier to organize everything.
I'm young, and I should use this burst of energy within me to create the future I desire.
"Sure, I'll wait for you in the park in front of the ministry." I smile at her, and we both look happily at the fact that everything is packed.
I really feel this is rushed, but I also feel ready.
'Where will I live?' asks Luck, my friend. He looks a bit scared, as if he thinks I'm going to leave him behind.
Earth dragons form strong bonds with their friends, and we've been through a lot together. I gently pet his head, smiling calmly.
"I'm going to talk to Marco. The two of us can buy some land so you guys can have more freedom and company." His expression now looks a bit worried. "He'll be moving at some point too, and Grímnir can be your company."
He lowers his head a bit, and I can see he's not convinced.
'She scares me. When she's angry, she really scares me.' I start laughing because Luck has always been pretty fearless and seeing him like this surprises me.
"If it makes you feel better," I whisper in his ear, glancing at Rem, who is distracted as she arranges everything, "Rem scares me when she gets mad too."
"Hm?" I feel a hand on my shoulder, and my vision blurs. The blood drains from my face in an instant.
"I didn't mean it like that!" I exclaim, turning halfway to look at Rem.
"What are you talking about?" she asks, and I sigh, feeling like my heart is about to explode.
'You've been tamed, how disappointing.' I give him a light smack on the neck, but my hand starts to ache from how hard it is.
"No, it's nothing." I smile, and Rem starts climbing into the carriage. "Let's go; it's late."
Rem sits in the driver's seat, and before getting on, I whisper again to my dear friend, "I was thinking of another solution, but now I'm going to convince Marco to put you two together." I smile, watching his gaze freeze.
'…'
Rem takes the reins as I appreciate the scenery. The forest, illuminated by the installed lanterns, the light crystals really fulfill their purpose, making everything so beautiful.
In a matter of minutes, we reach the city, where construction is just beginning. The entire city is changing and will continue to evolve as time passes. What was once a village is now a tiny city.
We keep moving through the empty streets. The last time I saw a city like this was ages ago when I fell asleep in my office. There are a few businesses open, but you can hardly see a soul around here.
We cross a street until we reach the housing complex. This place was one of the first to be renovated—several houses together, designed similarly to make them cheaper and quicker to build.
Rem could afford a more expensive house, but building one with a unique design would take time. I guess this will do for now.
The carriage stops, and the lights shine on us as I admire the house. Its design is simple; Marco says it resembles the houses from his world. While he admits they lack variety, it's the best they could manage for efficient construction.
They can easily raise these houses in less than a week. With the help of new materials and already known processes, building houses like this is quick and cheap.
The house is entirely white, shaped as if you stacked two rectangles—or rather, several geometric shapes—together. It's actually quite a sizable house; I hadn't realized it before.
It measures about seventy square meters, so it's not exactly huge. Compared to where I've lived before, you could say it's tiny. It has four rooms, making it a well-arranged place.
It has a backyard and a front terrace, so it won't feel like a confined space. Rem steps down, smiling all the time as she heads to open the door, while I make it easier for Luck to help unload our things.
"If you want, we can leave everything here and unpack tomorrow." Luck doesn't seem against the idea, and there's not much left of the night. I'd prefer to wake up and take everything down in the morning rather than stay in this cold place.
"Alright, you're right."
Rem turns on the house lights, allowing me to see the interior. I set the things aside and step inside, admiring how beautiful it looks. I'm surprised I've never visited one of these houses before; they're entirely different from the ones I've seen in the upper part of Irlam.
The first part is the living room, decorated with several leather sofas, some chairs, and a small table that doesn't seem meant for dining but rather just for placing objects.
I haven't explored the entire house yet, but honestly, I don't care what it looks like. What matters most to me is who I'll be sharing it with. Now that I'm entering a new stage in my life, I have to work harder, not just for what I have to do, but for what I should enjoy.
"Is this going to be our new home?" I ask, and Rem turns to look at me.
She smiles, narrowing her eyes and exclaiming,
"Yes!"