As usual, I was having a weird dream.
"Come on, man… gimme a kiss. I want crispy chicken, baby. Finger-lickin', wow~"
Yeah. No idea what that was about. But it felt right.
Then I felt something warm and scaly on my face.
Soft. Tiny. Breathing.
"Huh? My dog?"
Wait… I don't have a dog.
I don't even like pets.
I panicked, reached out, and grabbed whatever it was—long, kinda squishy, like a lizard—and screamed,
"NOOO! FREAKING LIZARD IN MY BED!"
I launched it across the room and flipped on the light.
But what I saw…
Wasn't a lizard.
It was a girl. A tiny girl. No older than three. Sitting on the floor, pouting, rubbing her eyes. She had tiny horns poking through her silver hair. Little wings. A twitchy tail.
Straight out of a fantasy novel.
I blinked.
"Okay… okay, maybe I've been studying too hard. Yeah. That's it. Need some sleep. This is a stress hallucination or something. If I keep going like this, I'll start seeing—"
"You fool."
A woman's voice echoed through the room like royalty scolding a servant.
"She's your child."
"...Huh?"
I turned.
And standing there—arms crossed, eyes cold, wearing a bathrobe like she owned the world—was her. A woman with glowing eyes, sharp features, and the energy of someone who could declare war and win.
"Of course she's our child, dummy," she said, like I was the one acting weird.
"'Our'—what? Wait. Who are you? How did you get in my house? Is this some kind of prank? I'm not falling for this. I've seen this drama trope! You're one of those single moms trying to trick innocent guys into marriage—"
WHACK!
She punched me in the head.
I hit the floor.
Hard.
"Dumbo," she said coldly, "why would I marry someone like *you*, stupid?"
Pain.
Sharp. Real. Blunt force trauma to the dome.
"*Ouch...*"
I groaned, rolling onto my side on the cold floor. My head was spinning. That punch felt *way too real* for a dream.
Wait.
This *is* real?
I slowly pushed myself up, my hand still holding my aching head. "No… no, no, no. That can't be right…"
I glanced around the room. The lights were on now. My posters were still crooked. My desk still had that untouched cup noodle from two nights ago. The usual mess.
But also…
A literal dragon child sitting on my bed.
And a very tall, very annoyed woman glaring down at me with arms folded, horns curling back over her snow-white hair like some high-class anime villainess.
Okay, so maybe not *that* usual.
I squinted at her. "...What are you doing in my apartment? And who the hell *are* you people?!"
She rolled her eyes like she couldn't believe she had to explain. "Tch. She's your child. I'm your wife. Try to keep up."
I froze.
Completely.
My mouth opened. Nothing came out.
A beat passed.
Then I clutched both sides of my head and sank into a full squat, rocking like my soul had left the building.
"No, no, no, no, NO. This is a prank. This has to be a prank. Hidden cameras? Reality show? Am I being Punk'd? Is Ashton Kutcher still alive?!"
"Papa?"
I blinked.
That voice.
Soft. Fragile. Too sweet for this hellish world.
I turned my head slowly—and there she was. The little dragon girl. Standing beside me now, eyes full of worry, little clawed hands clutching my sleeve.
"Papa, are you okay?"
My brain just…
Shut off.
My heart? That thing exploded. Disintegrated into rainbow dust. I had to stop myself from hugging her into another dimension.
"Ahhh… she talks. And it's adorable. I'm dying. This is how I die."
"I-Is Papa sick…?"
Her wings drooped.
"NO! No, no—Papa is okay!" I said quickly, holding up a thumb with trembling confidence. "Your Papa is a *strong* man, you see! Mentally stable! Emotionally grounded! Possibly hallucinating, but still hanging on!"
"...You're an idiot." She said
Wait.
Wait a second.
"This is a scam," I muttered, backing away. "A setup. There's no way. I never even… I haven't even had a girlfriend! I—I'm still a virgin! How the hell do I have a three-year-old child when I'm only twenty?!"
The woman rolled her eyes like I was the dumbest creature in the room—and considering my daughter just tried to eat a pillow, that was rude.
"Ugh," she muttered. "What cosmic mistake did I make marrying *you*? My pride. My dignity. The Dragon Queen, reduced to this… dumbo."
She summoned fire in her hand.
I shut up immediately.
Silence.
Painful, echoing, apartment-complex-wide silence.
Then—
Knock knock knock.
My heart stopped.
I turned slowly. The door. Someone was at the door.
I shuffled over in a daze and cracked it open just a little.
Standing outside: Ms. Kano, my nosy, sweet-but-meddling, definitely-always-listening neighbor. Holding a tray of rice crackers like a weapon of peace.
"…I heard yelling. Everything alright, dear?"
Before I could mumble out a lie—
"Papa~! Someone's here!"
The little girl zipped past me and pulled the door wide open.
I lunged. "WAIT—!"
Too late.
Ms. Kano blinked down at the child who now stood proudly in the doorway, hugging my leg.
"…Oh," she said slowly. "I didn't know you had a daughter."
"I—I don't—!" I stammered.
I slammed the door shut.
Locked it.
Pressed my back against it and slid down like I was in a soap opera.
"No way… No way. How is this happening to me?"
My voice cracked as I clutched my hair, drowning in panic.
Then—
Tap.
I looked up.
The door creaked open again.
What—?! I locked it!
Ms. Kano was holding the door with one hand, effortlessly pushing it back open with the calm fury of a retired teacher who'd seen too much.
She glanced down at the girl. "Child, we need to talk."
"E-eh?" I stammered from the floor.
Then—
Click. Click.
The sound of heels. Sharp, regal.
Behind me, Ms. Kano saw stood a tall, drop-dead gorgeous woman—mature, elegant, with silver hair cascading down her back and sharp violet eyes that screamed danger and taxes.
She radiated queen energy.
Ms. Kano turned to me. "And who… is this?"
The girl beamed and pointed. "That's Mama! She's my mama! And he's my papa!"
Ms. Kano didn't move.
Didn't breathe.
I watched her soul leave her body.
"You're… married?" she whispered.
"WHAT—NO—I'M NOT—THIS IS A KIDNAPPING—I MEAN—I'M THE ONE BEING KIDNAPPED—!"
Few moments later..
I sat in the corner of my room like a broken NPC. Tear-stained cheeks. Shaky breaths. Brain completely fried.
My whole life was a lie.
A tiny voice poked through the silence.
"Mama, is Papa sick?"
The little dragon girl—Elena—tilted her head, big eyes full of worry.
Erza crouched down beside her, brushing her silver hair back with a soft smile. "No, sweetie. Your papa's just… confused. Mama will take care of him, okay, cutie pie?"
Elena nodded seriously, like she'd just been told a national secret.
Then Erza turned to *me*, and all softness vanished from her voice.
"You, mortal." Her eyes narrowed like twin amethysts of judgment. "Let me explain how you're not a virgin, and why this child *is* yours. Listen carefully."
I looked up at her with trembling eyes. "I-I'm listening…"
She folded her arms, dramatic as ever. "It happened a year ago. I was resting peacefully in my royal chamber. After my coronation party. I may have been… slightly intoxicated." She coughed, clearly trying to downplay it.
"And *you* appeared. Out of thin air. Like some awkward human raccoon."
"What?!"
"Yes. You were mumbling something like 'Best dream ever' and then—bam! You crawled into my bed, made dragon history for three straight hours, and passed out with a stupid grin."
I blinked.
My brain connected the dots in slow motion.
"…Wait. That was *you*? The girl from my dream? I thought I made you up after watching too much fantasy anime!"
Erza tossed her hair. "I *am* that girl. Except it wasn't a dream, you reality-challenged fool. After you disappeared, I laid threeo
eggs. My kingdom freaked out. There were rumors. Scandals. Tabloids. I had to find the father. You."
I stared at her like I was watching a horror movie in 4K.
"So… so you came here to… bring me back?"
"I came here to collect my runaway husband," she said, voice low and royal. "I'm the Queen of the White Dragon Kingdom. I have a reputation to uphold."
My soul was already halfway to heaven.
"Wait… does this mean I…?" I looked at her, pale. "Did I force myself on you? I mean—I thought it was just a *dream*! I didn't mean to—!"
Erza blinked, then rolled her eyes hard enough to cause a storm.
Then I remembered something else.
"Wait… Three eggs?! Where's the other one?!"
Erza grinned. "Oh, the other one's hatching next week. You're gonna be a papa again."
I let out a sound that didn't belong to any species.
"Noooooooooooooooooooo…