ELI
I didn't think it would hit this hard.
The door had barely closed after Damir left, and already, I was a mess. The house felt colder, too quiet without his usual footsteps, the rustle of gift bags, his low baritone echoing through the hallway. I had waved him goodbye like a fool kissed his cheek even and ran off like a blushing little thing, thinking I could just wait the week out. But barely a few hours in, my chest felt hollow.
I hadn't expected it.
I stared at my phone more than I breathed. Every second, I was unlocking it, checking our chat. I messaged him once. Then twice. Something casual"Hope your trip's going well." Then a follow-up"Did you land safely?"
No reply.
The moment the little status bar said "Delivered" but didn't switch to "Read," something inside me began to wither. The silence was deafening. I laid on my bed, phone clutched to my chest, eyes on the screen like it held my heartbeat. I didn't want to sleep. I couldn't. What if he replied and I didn't see it right away?
I didn't even realize when the first tear slipped down my cheek.
I didn't even understand what I was feeling.
Why was I crying? Why did I feel like the ground beneath my feet had shifted just because he hadn't replied in five minutes? Ten. Twenty. An hour.
It was stupid. It was insane.
And yet…
"I want him," I whispered into the silence. "I want him, I want him, I want him."
It wasn't about the gifts anymore. The hoodies, the wristwatches, the shoes, all those had just been breadcrumbs leading me deeper into the forest of his presence. The moment he left, I realized I didn't crave the gifts. I craved him. His scent. The way he leaned in when he was speaking. The sound of his laughter. The flick of his wrist when he handed me something casually like it meant nothing, when it meant everything to me.
I was losing my mind.
I texted him again…"Miss you."
Then deleted it. Then typed it again. Then sent it.
Still no reply.
I curled up under my sheets like they could shield me from the intensity of what I was feeling. But they couldn't. My body ached with the absence of him. Every fiber of me stretched toward the memory of the man who had filled every inch of space in my mind and left me gasping in his wake.
I didn't know when obsession replaced curiosity.
I didn't know when affection turned into hunger.
But it had.
I wanted to touch him. I wanted to lay my head on his chest. I wanted his arms around me. I wanted to belong to him in a way that no one else ever had. Every time I blinked, I saw his smile. Every time I moved, I imagined his hand grazing mine.
When the phone finally buzzed, I bolted upright like someone had stabbed me.
Damir: Sorry, just got out of a meeting. You good?
Tears welled up instantly.
"Yes," I typed.
Then deleted it.
Then typed, "I missed you."
Then deleted that too.
Eventually, I just replied, "Yeah. I'm okay."
He sent a heart emoji. Just one. A red one.
I smiled through the tears like it was the first drop of rain in a drought.
But I couldn't stop myself.
Eli: When are you coming back?
Damir: Probably in six days. Why?
Because I can't breathe without you.
Because I count every second you're gone.
Because I'm falling apart.
Eli: No reason. Just bored without you.
I sent that instead. Safe. But not honest.
My obsession wasn't safe. It was devouring me from the inside out.
I was spiraling, and I didn't even care. As long as it was for him.