ELI
The first thing I heard was the steady beep of a machine somewhere close to my ear. Then the sterile scent of antiseptic hit me like a slap. I tried to open my eyes, but they felt heavy, like soaked cotton. My head throbbed. My lips were dry. And my throat….. my throat felt like something had been dragged through it and abandoned.
But I wasn't dead.
I blinked slowly, eyes adjusting to the painfully bright white lights above me. I was in a hospital. There was a tube running into my arm. My body felt light, like I was floating, except for the sharp sting at my wrist, muffled by layers of gauze.
No. No, no, no.
The blade. The blood. My father's voice, frantic. Damir's hands, warm and trembling. I remembered it all. Every terrifying second. The way I looked them both in the eye and raised that knife like a fucking prayer. I meant it….I did.
So why didn't it hurt?
I didn't feel pain. Not even now. Just an eerie numbness. Like I was floating in some in between space. Alive, but not really here.
I heard a shift. A breath. Then I smelled it….Damir's cologne. Something clean and dark, like leather and pine and cold Russian winters. My head lolled toward the source, and there he was.
Sitting beside me.
He looked like a storm barely held together. His expensive shirt was wrinkled, his sleeves rolled up past his elbows like he'd been pacing or pulling at his own hair. His hands were clasped tightly in front of his mouth, hiding the way his jaw clenched. But his eyes…his eyes were on me. Like he hadn't looked away since they brought me here.
"Eli…"
His voice cracked.
And suddenly, I hated myself.
Why did he sound like that? Like I'd hurt him more than I hurt myself? I wanted to reach for him. Apologize. Crawl into his lap and bury myself in his warmth and tell him I didn't mean to scare him like that. But I couldn't move. I just stared.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
He shot to his feet so fast the chair clattered backward. "No," he growled. "Don't you fucking dare."
His shoes echoed on the tile as he closed the distance between us. Then he stopped, standing over me like a tower of fury wrapped in grief.
"I'm sorry," I said again, softer. My voice was hoarse, but steady.
Damir exhaled like he'd been holding his breath for hours. He dragged a hand down his face, then reached out..hesitated…and finally sat on the edge of the bed. His hands trembled. So gently, he picked up my fingers and held them like they were made of glass.
"What were you thinking?" he whispered.
My throat tightened. My eyes stung.
"I wasn't," I said truthfully. "I just… I felt like no one was listening. I needed it all to stop."
He didn't speak. He just pressed his forehead to the back of my hand. His shoulders shook.
"Why didn't you come to me?" he said, voice muffled. "You're my baby. I would've fixed it. I'd burn the world to ash if it meant you'd never feel that lost again."
Something in me broke.
I turned my head toward the ceiling to blink the tears back, but they spilled anyway. "I didn't want to be a burden. I just wanted to be… something."
He lifted his head, eyes glistening. "You are something, Eli. You're everything."
I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't even know if he meant it like I wanted him to. But his hand on mine was firm now. Steady. Like he wouldn't let go even if I begged him to.
"I know i pressed the knife hard," I whispered. "But I didn't feel it. Just… something warm. And then nothing."
Damir flinched. His thumb brushed the gauze on my wrist.
"You passed out from shock. Blood loss. We got there in time." He swallowed. "Barely."
I turned to him, searching his face. "You stayed with me?"
His lips twisted. "I never left."
I tried to smile. It came out shaky, crooked. "You should've gone. You didn't sign up for this."
"I signed up the moment I saw you in that hallway. Wearing your stupid tiny shorts and ignoring me like I didn't exist because I dodged your kiss."
That made me laugh….just a little. He looked relieved to hear it.
"I thought you hated me," I murmured.
"I hate what I feel for you," he said quietly. "Because it's not something I'm supposed to feel."
I turned my hand in his until our palms pressed together. "I don't want you to stop."
He closed his eyes. His jaw tightened.
"I don't want to scare you anymore," I added.
"You terrify me every time you disappear into your head and I can't reach you," he said. "But you don't scare me because of who you are. You scare me because I care. Too much."
The machine beeped softly beside me. The silence between us stretched…thick, electric.
"Say it," I whispered. "Say it so I know I didn't imagine everything."
Damir looked at me, eyes burning.
"I'm in love with you, Eli."
My heart stopped. Then started again, painfully loud in my chest.
"You're everything I never let myself want," he continued. "But I want you. I want to protect you. Keep you. Give you every stupid hoodie and watch and bracelet on earth just to see you smile. I want to ruin any man who makes you cry. And I want to be the reason you feel safe when the world goes dark."
Tears ran down my cheeks, silent and hot.
"Then don't leave," I said.
He leaned forward, pressing his lips to my forehead. It was the gentlest kiss I'd ever felt.
"I'm not going anywhere."
And for the first time in a long time, I believed him.