"I know what you're thinking: 'Did this psycho really just lick mutant goo off the floor like a gamer at a G-Fuel convention?' And to that, I say—yes. Yes, I did."
Alexander stood over the unconscious body of his scaly father, the Lizard, admiring the green ooze pooling on the floor like forbidden Mountain Dew.
"Technically, I did fail the quest to inject it… but rules are made to be bent. Or licked."
He kneeled down, scooped some of the serum on his finger like a toddler with cake frosting, and—despite every warning from the CDC, WHO, and anime fandoms everywhere—he licked it.
[WARNING: Lizard Serum Consumed in Unconventional Manner.][Warning: This is the worst idea you've had all day.][Processing Mutation…]
Alexander's body seized up. His vision blurred. Muscles spasmed.
"Okay, this was… not the vibe. I was expecting a cool Dragon Ball aura, not an IRS audit in my bloodstream."
He fell to the ground, twitching.
30 Seconds Later...
Dramatic thunder.Cue Evangelion music for no reason.
Alexander slowly stood up, steam rising from his shoulders. He checked his hands. Claws. His skin shimmered faintly, a scaly green texture spreading like an Instagram filter gone rogue.
But his brain? Still very much online.
"Holy crap, it worked! I'm a sexy, cold-blooded weapon of mass destruction with a sword and a tail! Call me Leonardo da Wreck-yo!"
[Mutation Success!][New Trait Acquired: Reptilian Physiology (Controlled).][Perks: Enhanced strength, regeneration, agility, and tongue reach. Downside: You now hiss when you're annoyed.]
Alexander stuck out his tongue involuntarily and hissed.
"Oh my God, I'm hissing unironically… I'm officially 10% anime, 20% ninja, and 70% Florida man."
He looked into the broken lab mirror and admired himself like he was posing for a cursed manga cover.
"Wait'll they get a load of me. I'm like Spider-Man if he got bit by a radioactive Gojira."
[DING!]
[New Skill Unlocked: Cold-Blooded Combatant – When health is below 50%, gain +20% speed and strength.]
"Plot armor and rage buffs? God-tier protagonist energy!"
Suddenly, the system chimed again:
[Assassin Loadout Menu Unlocked.][Please Choose Your First Assassin Template:]
[John Wick – Gun-Fu, Headshots, Puppy Vengeance]
[Hitman 47 – Disguises, Precision, Barcoded Baldness]
[Corvo Attano – Stealth, Time Freeze, Emily's Cool Dad]
[Deadpool – Dual Katanas, Max Regeneration, 4th Wall Breaks on Steroids]
[Roronoa Zoro – Sword Style, Directionally Lost, Protein Junkie]
Alexander grinned, claws tapping against the touchscreen like a raccoon with Wi-Fi.
"Tempting… but we all know the obvious pick."
[Selection Confirmed: Deadpool.][Loadout Installing: Dual Katanas, Pistols, Insane Healing, Chaotic Humor Amplifier x9000.]
Alexander felt his back tingle as two katana sheaths materialized, strapped across a tactical vest that looked ripped right out of a fanboy's dream.
He grabbed the katanas, slashed the air twice, and sliced a nearby table in half.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Deadpool, but with scales and better skincare."
He reached for a can of soda nearby—accidentally crushed it in his claw.
"…Okay, minor drawback. Gotta get used to the grip strength."
Meanwhile… at Oscorp
Norman Osborn stood before a giant screen.
"We've detected a biological anomaly downtown. Some kind of hybrid. Lizard DNA... but something else. Something unstable."
His assistant frowned. "Should we inform Mr. Parker?"
"No. Not yet."Norman turned, eyes glowing with ambition.
"Let's see what this 'Alexander Connors' does next…"
Back in the Lab
Alexander stretched, tail curling behind him, katanas slung over his back, and a giant anime smirk on his face.
"Alright, next step—loot dad's lab, upgrade my gear, and maybe break into Oscorp for some 'accidental espionage.' Oh, and maybe… swing by and meet a certain web-slinger."
He turned to the fourth wall.
"Next chapter? Think Metal Gear + Spider-Man + JoJo poses. Stay tuned, degenerates."
[TO BE CONTINUED…]