There are many ways a man can be tested in life.
Exams. Tragedy. Taxes.
And then there's trying to have a normal conversation with a ridiculously attractive MILF while your downstairs brain decides it's time for a surprise party.
Audrey was laughing—like, genuinely laughing—at my dumb joke. And while that was a win for Team Me, my traitorous lower half had other plans.
Downstairs Me: "Time to rise and shine, boss!"
Me: "NO. STAND DOWN, SOLDIER."
Downstairs Me: "You said we were MILF tamers now. I'm just doing my job."
Me: "WE'RE AT WORK."
Downstairs Me: "Exactly. It's casual Friday."
I crossed my arms in front of my apron, suddenly feeling like I was hiding a tiny tent under there.
Audrey didn't seem to notice yet, thank God, and she leaned in a little closer. "So… what do you usually do after work?" she asked, sipping her coffee like she hadn't just triggered a Category 5 hormonal storm in my pants.
[System Notification: Hormonal Response Detected. Blood Flow Redirected. RIP Brain Function.]
"Uh…" I cleared my throat, trying to focus on anything other than the fact that my jeans were about to betray me. "I usually, uh… go home… and think about my choices… sometimes cry… mostly cry, actually."
She giggled again, completely unaware that my soul was slowly trying to leave my body via emergency exit.
"Oh, you're funny," she said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "That's rare."
[Affection: +1]
[Warning: Increased MILF Attraction Detected. Passive Skill "MILF Magnet" Is Overclocking. Consider Ice Bucket or Panic Prayer.]
My apron was no longer enough. I was this close to tying a stack of grocery flyers around my waist like a shame-kilt.
Audrey tilted her head, sipping her drink again. "So, you seeing anyone?" she asked casually.
My brain short-circuited.
My mouth: "I—I see people every day. With my eyes. It's how vision works."
My brain: "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"
My dick: "That was perfect. Say something about yoga pants next."
Audrey laughed harder. "Okay, smartass. I meant dating."
"I'm uh… single. Very single. Like, emotionally available but also mentally unstable, kind of single."
[System Suggestion: Abort Conversation. Retreat. Hide in Frozen Peas Section.]
Instead, I stood there, frozen like a man caught between love and a lawsuit, while she looked me up and down. Not helping, Audrey.
"Oh, that's good to know," she said, her tone flirting with danger. "You've got a fun vibe."
I was not okay. My body was doing a full mutiny. My face was sweating, my knees were vibrating, and my junk was having an existential crisis in 4K.
And then Audrey did the worst thing possible.
She touched my arm.
Just a little friendly hand-on-arm thing. Nothing major.
But to my body?
That was basically a full-blown orgy.
My eyes went wide. I clenched every muscle I had. Even the useless ones. My spine straightened like a cursed Jenga tower.
"Cool arm," she said, smiling.
COOL ARM?
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
I nodded like an idiot. "Thanks, I, uh… I moisturize. Sometimes. But not, like, in a weird way. Just… healthy skin, you know?"
I could feel my own soul leaving me out of secondhand embarrassment.
[System Notification: Affection: +1. Warning: You are one more cringe away from implosion.]
Then Audrey's phone buzzed. She glanced down, frowned, and sighed. "Crap. I've gotta run. Meeting."
I nodded quickly, still holding my arms over the uprising in my pants like I was smuggling a baguette. "Totally fine. Go… meetings are good. I mean, sometimes. Unless they suck. Then bad."
She smiled one last time, then turned and walked away, hips swaying like a Pixar character who knew exactly what she was doing.
I didn't breathe again until she was gone.
Then I looked down.
Still there. Still standing proud.
"Dude," I whispered at my pants. "We talked about this."
[System Suggestion: Cold Shower. Or Exorcism.]
And that's how I survived the most awkward five minutes of my life, developed new emotional trauma, and discovered that I was no longer in control of my own body.
On the bright side?
[Mission Complete: First Impressions – SUCCESS.]
[Affection: +3 Total.]
[New Quest Incoming: Win Her Over Without Getting Fired or Arrested.]
No pressure.
None at all.