The Solar System is just an insignificant nature reserve in a corner of the universe.
This is a recording from the galaxy's most miserable wage slave.
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Aquila Interstellar Travel Group | Solar System Earth Customized Route
Universal Calendar 13710181630 | Chinese Calendar 4707
Audio log and electromagnetic radiation backup.
Qian Xinghuo, single audio track.
Click-
"Hey, you're Master Zhao, right?
Just call me Xiao Qian.
Want a cigarette? Earth-brand stuff.
Oh, you recognize it! Guess you're an old-timer too.
How many times have you been to the Solar System?
First time partnering up? Let's cooperate smoothly.
I'll light it for you.
Your human language is pretty fluent!
Me? I've been stuck in the Solar System sector for too long, running Earth routes every day. Listen to my accent-totally Earthified now, heh!
I even know Earth dialects: Have a nice day! Hahahaha!
Where did you used to run tours?
Aquarius? Oh, that's no peaceful place either.
So you're playing host here?
Definitely. Earth routes are the most exhausting-tiny planet, messy humans, endless trouble.
You've traveled everywhere, seen way more than me.
Sigh, yeah, all for the meager pay.
You're from HQ?
Pfft, Aquila treats us all as deadweight. Getting outsourced here is my so-called 'blessing.'
This ship's called The Melting Pot?
The paint job looks different. What's that on the tail?
A memorial for your old flame in Andromeda?
Didn't take you for a romantic, Lao Zhao!
But when Andromeda and the Milky Way collide eventually, you two can reunite.
Oh, that's way too far off.
We'll be long gone unless-dimensional ascension. Dimensional ascension isn't something folks like us can afford.
Let's just keep it in our memories.
Me? A total mess. Haven't settled down, not planning to stay in the Solar System long-term. Just saving up to buy a small ship.
Is this ship yours or rented?
Damn, impressive! Thought it was company-issued. You bought this model just for touring?
Savage! I'd want one focused on personal comfort. Did you fly here all the way from Aquarius?
How much?
The The transport fees must've been astronomical!
Owning a ship is so convenient. Me? I haven't even gotten a license.
Rode my crappy little solar bike here-Earth Orbit Class C, strictly for commuting.
Yes, Earth Orbit Class C-restricted to Earth's orbital zone, strictly for commuting purposes.
Hey, I've got side gigs on Europa. If you're free, let's hustle some extra cash.
Keep it hush-hush.
(Static)
Heard about the Proxima Centauri inspection?
Those bastards! The pre-trip disclaimer clearly states that Proxima's climate randomness is its selling point! They went crying to HQ over 'bad experiences'? Screw those idiots!
Though it's not my problem, I feel their pain! How long were their guides and pilots grounded?
Let's see... roughly... nearly fifty Earth years!
The entire route's scrapped! The whole crew managing that star system got shut down for 'restructuring.' Proxima's practically next door to the Solar System-almost dragged us into the mess too!"
Aquila HQ's higher-ups are useless-just passing the buck. They've blocked my franchise application repeatedly. Still stuck as a wage slave.
Another pack?
(Static)
Time's up. Let them board.
(Static)
Alright-is everyone here? Raise your hand if you're missing!
Good, let's depart!
Master Zhao-start The Melting Pot!
From boarding this ship onward, we'll switch to Earth customs. When in Rome, right?
The pilot and I have Earth names. He's Master Zhao-on Earth, 'Master' is a respected title for mentors. I'm Qian Xinghuo, your Earth tour guide. Call me Qian, Xiao Qian, Xinghuo, or Brother Fire.
Hey-whether Earth's scenery is beautiful depends entirely on my silver tongue! Let me tell you...
What?
The contract? It says 'Sunspot Travel Company'?
Exactly!
Oh, right! Sunspot Travel Company is a subsidiary of Aquila Interstellar, specializing in Solar System tours...
Mhm, I know.
You heard 'Aquila' first? No difference! Aquila's the parent company-too big to handle every region. We subsidiaries take care of the details...
No, not outsourced! No lies! Service is better and more authentic! My Earth accent proves it-I've been here I've been here for 200 Earth years. Follow me, no mistakes!
Buckle up! Anyone's first time in the Solar System?
Oh, all first-timers! Perfect.
I mean, I'll make this extra special!
I've led countless tours. Let's make this one joyful from start to finish, okay?
Yes! This passenger's right-better than all previous trips!
May I ask where you're from?
Scorpius? Not too far. Not much of a traveler, eh? Haha!
Used to orange and red dwarfs? Let's visit Sol's core next time! Anyone else interested? Follow my future tours!
Choosing Earth's niche route means you're veteran travelers-been everywhere, right?
Before Earth, I led tours across the galaxy-each unique!
For example:
- "HD 106906 b in Crux" taught me our planet's smallness.
- "Saturn's moons" put ours to shame.
- "PSR B1620-26 b in Scorpius" made our homeworld feel young.
- "Earth" taught me life's blessings.
Haha!
First-timers, here's a quick intro: The Solar System's in the "004-236 Cosmic Nature Reserve". Earth's tech is primitive-they won't detect us.
But rules: Don't interfere with the reserve's ecology. Company policy-recorded.
1. Leave nothing, take nothing.
2. No damaging Earth objects.
3. No scaring/harming Earthlings.
4. Do not yank cats' tails.
Follow these, and even the Interstellar Patrol will cut us slack. Break them, and we're stuck in red tape. Have fun-within limits! Got it?
Got it!
Master Zhao-since our group's so awesome, crank up the engines!
(Static)
We'll reach Earth soon. Everyone knows the rules, right? One of them-no souvenirs allowed-sounds downright heartless, doesn't it? I mean, after hauling ass across the cosmos, even I think the bigwigs up the chain didn't give a damn about us tourists!
Rules are rigid, but I, Qian Xinghuo, refuse to let you leave empty-handed! I've stuffed this little box with perfect 1:1 replicas of Earth's greatest hits-crack it open, and watch them balloon to life-size glory!
Crack this box open, and watch the models snap into real-scale grandeur-utterly epic, wildly fun! Take this Bird's Nest replica, for instance: shrink it down as a desk trophy, puff it up as an ashtray, a pet's luxury penthouse, or even a dinosaur-egg incubator-sky's the limit!
Huh? 'Zero shopping'?
Oh, you mean'no shopping'?
Yep yep, no confusion here, gang! The contract's ironclad-once we touchdown, Earth's a no-spend zone. Zero wallets cracked, zero regrets! These lil' boxes? Think of 'em as interstellar eye candy-sneak a peek, get handsy, but no pressure to swipe that cosmic credit card!
Let's skip the wallet wars-cash talk kills the mood! Cruise Earth first, match every model to its real-world twin. Back on board? Keep the gems, chuck the duds. No refund drama, no service downgrades-your five-star vibes stay locked, zero strings attached!
Unlike some cutthroat operators who strong-arm you into buying junk, trap you onboard until you cough up cash, or even rough up tourists-those leeches sucking the galaxy dry! One rotten black hole poisons the whole constellation! But me, Qian Xinghuo? I run a clean ship-your joy's my profit margin, no shady schemes, no hidden fees! Squeezing you for pocket change? That's like torching a star cluster for kindling-bad math, worse karma. We cool?
I grind nonstop to serve y'all-you score stellar vibes, I score a fistful of cosmic cred. Grab a trinket or two? Call it a nod to my hustle. Win-win? Nah, think mutual galaxy glow-up. Sound fair?
And these souvenirs? Curated like cosmic relics-quality so bulletproof, they'd outlive a black hole! Spot a fake? I'll drown you in a hundred replacements. Pinky swear-on my interstellar honor!
Oh, and check this-the cosmic-grade jade on this box? Rarer than a polite Vogon! A once-in-a-galaxy fluke-no duplicates in the universe! Pure Earth-exclusive mojo, hardwired into humanity's DNA! This bad boy pumps out infinite 'Jade-Ions' (patent pending), syncing with gravity waves to supercharge your cells! Carbon-based, silicon-based, or pure energy? Doesn't matter-your bioengine gets a quantum tune-up! Not just bling-it's an investment-grade heirloom! Even Bezos' space yacht can't buy this drip!
What? It's just a rock? Let me school you-
No hidden agendas, no cosmic scams-this is a zero-gravity joyride, folks! I'm the OG of unplugged, no-upsell adventures-pure play, zero paywalls!
We've got cosmic downtime before touchdown-ain't letting this vibe freeze over! Rule #1: Hustle with honor or don't hustle at all-my code since day one! Two centuries slinging tours, never squeezed a credit from a tourist! My service mantra? Raw, unfiltered cosmic hospitality. You feast, I famine-you lounge, I leap! Zero G's gonna feel my hustle!
Folks, slow your warp drives-this ain't a rerun! Your once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage to Earth deserves hyper-tailored treasures! I'm slinging bespoke bling so exclusive, even black holes get FOMO. No hard sells-just walk in your moon boots, I'll walk in mine. Want it? Snag it. Not vibing? Ghost it. Full-spectrum flexibility-your nostalgia, my honor. But hey... quantum souvenirs beat regret particles clogging your soul. Right?
Alright! Let me show you something epic!
You've all trekked galaxies, crashed alien soirées-heard whispers of cosmic oddities. But Earth's quirks? Buckle up-this rock's got layers! Legends call it the 'Eighteen Bizarros'-and no, it's not a bad cover band. How bizarre? Let's crack this cosmic piñata!
Here goes-
1. Humans look identical yet discriminate over trivial differences.
2. A few billion split into over 200 factions that compete.
3. No one backs down-kill counts decide winners.
4. They beam their DNA sequences into space despite knowing nothing.
5. This tiny rock thinks aliens want to invade.
6. Rank animals hierarchically but eat plants guilt-free.
7. Virtue-signal online, flee reality faster than light.
8. Panic over overpopulation and low birth rates.
9. Fall in love with virtual avatars.
10. Must buy a house to get married.
11. Prioritize leisure over raising kids.
12. Replace offspring with cats, dogs, and robots.
13. Chase immortality but end up with aging populations.
14. Ethics lag behind gender evolution.
15. Fly planes and airships yet worship deities.
16. Only redeeming trait: decent scenery.
17. Hurricanes, volcanoes, floods-Earth's sneezes kill them.
18. Obsess over privacy while we spy openly.
Aren't these bizarre?
Hahaha!
Thank you, thank you!
Hahaha!
Feel free to record and share! Free publicity!
Follow me on Galaxy Shorts: Interstellar Guide Qian Xinghuo! Like, comment, tip, share-five-star support!
Let's keep the vibe alive, okay?
(Static)
Hello, Director B-yes, hello!
Yes, yes, I know. The documents were complete!
Why the penalty points?
But-I went to the asteroid belt first! The route was approved!
No one submitted earlier...
Oh-I shared it with her to build rapport...
Sigh!
Which trash? Not me or my tourists!
Ugh, did the last pilot snitch?
Oh, sorry, sorry!
I just want to reach A-rank! Stuck at B forever-everyone else moved up!
No,Director B,not your fault,not that B! Sorry!
Without A-rank, I can't tour the Sun...
I know, fine, okay.
I'll try harder next time.
(Flushing sound)
Damn it, screwing me over!
(Static)
Master Zhao, skip the trench. Start directly from Dongdu City. Avoid trouble.
They won't notice.
These cheapskates won't buy anything anyway. Let's wrap up early!
Eh, no problem!
(Static)
Alright, continuing! After entering the atmosphere...
Whoa-close the windows first! Open them after entry, okay?
Not free exploration time yet!
We'll orbit for a bird's-eye view first, then land. Deal?
Tiny planet, but packed with quirks. You'll experience the 'Eighteen Bizarre Traits' firsthand!
Those? Yes, artificial satellites.
Below, even more-Starlink, Star Shield, Thousand Sails, StarNet, Star Map, Celestial Array... Low orbit's crammed full.
No need to dodge. Our ship can phase right through.
Oval-shaped objects?
The floating ones?
Airskiffs-Earth's budget aircraft. They even mine helium from the Sun! Funnily enough, their factory's in Dongdu City-our first stop. We'll start with Earth's most advanced city to ease you in.
Now, about Dongdu City's quirks...
Huh? Mariana Trench? You're well-informed.
Truth is, it's just a deeper crack. Not worth visiting.
Pfft! Travel guides are paid ads. Trust me-you're in good hands!
Earth's tiny. Our home planets have trenches too. Let's focus on unique Earth sights!
You insist on going now? Why?
"It'll change later"? Can you see the future?
Are you... a higher-dimensional being?
Cosmic rumors will be the death of me!
What? Refund?
Haha! You've adapted to Earth customs quickly!
Alright, folks-no one's leaving this rock shortchanged! Scrap the soggy trench snooze-fest-let's swap it for a lava rave! Trenches? Basic. Volcanoes? Earth's cosmic zits-pop one open, and boom: fireworks hotter than a supernova! Real-time magma choreography beats a dusty crack any day. Trust me-your holocams'll thank me!
Volcanoes on my homeworld... Wait, do you know what Earthlings call my planet?
Kepler-452b! Haha! They label advanced civilizations with meaningless codes. Even 'Super Earth' sounds lame.
Any fellow Keplerians here?
None? The universe is too vast!
Where? Cygnus? Close enough.
Then you'll need extra souvenirs!
Homeworld buddies stick together across the cosmos!
Look down! That's the Arctic-Earth's icy crown. Even Antarctica's -80°C is nothing to you all!
Know Europa?
Neptune, Pluto-over -200°C. Chilly enough?
Still not cold enough?
Any rogue planet nomads? Pitch-black wanderers? Or Ophiuchus folks?
Black dwarf star survivors? Anyone?
Just kidding! That's too cold! Haha!
Too frigid! Let's play a game to warm up!
Master Zhao-give us a drift!
Brace yourselves!
Whoo-hoo-wow!
Look outside! See those green trails?
Earthlings call them auroras. Pretty, huh?
Fun?
Alright! More coming!
Master Zhao, another round!
Yee-haw-!
Not the coolest part yet! After the pole, we'll dive into interactive activities!
Crack open those drawers, squad-time to hack Earth's cheat codes! This cosmic doodle kit's got a rainbow-scribbler and a hurricane twirler. Paint skies neon, spin Category 5 drama-humans'll bow to your god-tier drip! Deity mode activated? You bet. Bonus flex: siphon their WiFi to livestream your 'miracles' galaxy-wide. Pro tip-tag @QianXinghuo for maximum clout. Flex those god-complex muscles, folks-history's watching!
Oh, and the crown jewel? This pocket-sized O₂-Killer-your golden ticket to surviving Earth's toxic air buffet! No deoxy-box? You'll suffocate faster than a comet's tail. But twist these knobs-dial in your sulfur-helium smoothie, slap a filter on that 'nitro-allergy'-boom, biohazard-proof swagger! Cosmic fate threw us together, so here's a fire-sale 20% off if you mimic my moves. Think of it as a black-hole bargain-cheaper than bribing a space cop! Ready to turn Earth into your personal sandbox? Let's geek out!
HQ doesn't provide these extras-I do!
Just cover my costs! All for your joy!
Chump change! Earth says: Spend all on trips!
Don't sulk! Try it first-limited stock. Don't miss out!
I've got quotas! Consider it a tip for my service.
We're here to have fun! Don't ruin it!
Let's be clear: if sales flop, we can't land. I'll get fined. Help me help you-no scams here!
(Static)
Hey-what're you doing?!
Don't litter! Stop throwing trash out!
...
Damn it!
That'll become a meteor shower! If it hits-
...
Phew! Landed on Greenland. Lucky!
Few creatures there. Could've been a disaster!
Follow the rules! Don't wreck the reserve!
Spare me-I'm just a worker. Lose my job over this!
Our civility shouldn't be worse than Earthlings!
Freedom? No absolute freedom! We're a group-limits exist!
Littering isn't freedom!
Don't act like a bratty kid!
Not targeting you...
I...
Just pleading with everyone...
What's your problem?
Watch your language, sir!
Everyone, didn't I warn you about the rules?
Don't play dumb with me!
You're wasting 50 minutes for 50 people!
I'm addressing all guests. Ignore me? Get off!
If you're like this now, imagine the chaos on Earth!
Get off now! Tour's over!
I'm not your servant! We're done-forever!
If I weren't working, I'd slap you silly!
You think this is a galactic stand-up routine?! Master Zhao's warp drive guzzles comet-dust wages! Me? I'm out here herding space cats for black-hole loose change! Your credit chip's a blip in my quantum ledger-add or subtract you? Math for ants. Now shut your nebula and enjoy the ride!
This is how you parent?
Moron! Who you calling names?
Look at that dumpster-fire attitude-you call yourself Cygnus-born? Not in my star chart, you cosmic fraud! Scram back to whatever black hole spat you out!
Oh-you're from a variable star. Explains the mood swings!
I despise your kind! No low-class guests needed!
Who you think you are?!
Say that again!
What? You think we Sparklings nova-fueled pushovers? Step closer-I'll supernova your ego into stardust!
(Static)
(Static)
(Static)
Put that down! Don't touch public property!
That's a lightning wedge! Drop it!
Throw it and see what happens!
(Static)
F***!
You didn't buy souvenirs! Don't toss the Golden Turtle Hall!
...
Below us-Iceland!
Eyjafjallajökull Volcano!
...
Canis Major's neutron-star nuts! That throw's tighter than a pulsar's pulse!
(Static)
You triggered an eruption!!
Motherf***er! My job's gone!
I've been here for 200 Earth years down the drain! I was about to make A-rank!
All ruined in Earth year 2010!
(Static)
Trying to kill me? Huh?!
Godd***it! Cancel everything!
(Static)
Master Zhao! Let's go! Abort landing!
F***! All for nothing!
(Static)
Might as well quit...
...
...
Sh*t! Gotta delete the auto-recording!
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(Real Earth News: Located in the Eyjafjallajökull ice cap in southern Iceland, the Eyjafjallajökull Volcano erupted twice consecutively from March to April 2010. Magma melted the ice cap, triggering floods, while the volcanic eruption released massive amounts of gases and volcanic ash, causing long-term impacts on air travel, climate, and human health.)