It was getting late.
I couldn't afford being late again. Not this time. I don't know if I can take the look on her face, the silence in the house. I barely remember the last time she came running into my arms.
Today was supposed to be an ordinary day, I thought by 8pm I'd be on my way home. Instead I'm in a conference call, fixing another misunderstanding after a miscommunication, after a nightmarish simple problem. I kept glaring at my watch, tempted to rewind it three hours behind.
"The numbers look good. Thanks Mr De Luca."
I gave a stiff nod and disconnected.I started packing up my stuff, when my father ran into my office.
"Dad I can't. She's waiting, she's been waiting for weeks! I can't stay late tonight." I announced, packing even faster.
"Essentials Brand Co, is threatening to pull out. I have them on hold. J, they are our lifeline. We can't afford them leaving, people are going to lose their jobs." his tone was low, just above a whisper.
I stopped and looked at him, a knowing understanding moment passed between us.
I sighed…
If I just focus and zone everything out, maybe I'll be done in less than thirty minutes.I'd be running late but I won't miss dinner.
I checked the time.
8:23pm
I still had time.
"I'll connect from here." I said, starting up the screens in front of me.
I don't know how long I stood at our front door. I don't even know how many times I've stopped tears from falling down. The lump that formed in my throat when my dad gave me a proud smile.
Looking at my watch again, past midnight, my lungs tighten as I turn the doorknob.
I closed it quietly behind me, exhaustion biting down my shoulders,a sharp pain shot from my lower back as I turned to see her packing dishes away. The lights were off except the ones in the hallway.
She didn't even register my presence in her business. I dreaded for her to turn and face me.
"I'm so sorry." I began. She stopped busying herself at the sound of my voice, her back still turned against me.
"My phone died and the meetings were relentless. They all just came out of nowhere. I couldn't leave dad alone in that, he would have had a heart attack or something. I'm really sorry." I came closer, shortening the gap between us.
She turned to face me but kept her gaze on the floor. I tried reaching for her but she stepped back.
"Dinner is in the oven. Goodnight." she said softly, taking her bible and notebook, disappearing into the hallway.
Tears that I had been holding back dried up immediately, my hand returning to my side, quivering. I dragged myself to the couch and fainted on it, embraced by the cushions she brought from her trip to comic con. A reminder of how far long my streak of broken promises ran.
All this exhaustion, fighting to come back home, providing, protecting, I'm doing it all for her.
For her.
Are you?
Yes, who else? She doesn't get what I deal with out there, running a whole empire under a father who demands me to prove something that's already true, time and time again. Taking care of everything in the house, which isn't strictly financial. I'm hands on too. Don't I always come home at the end of the day? Don't I come back to her?
You do, you always do. And she's waits, she always waits.. She's just hurt right now to see you are doing the best you can. This time, your best actually hurts.
Then why doesn't she appreciate that I'm not home in time because it's for her. All of it.
Look, there's a difference between doing this for her and thinking you're doing this for her.
Silence.
Didn't she invite you to let her in, share your burdens with her? That you are her very heart? That suffering with you is worth more than trying to make her happy at your expense?
I surrender then, Lord. I'm done falling into the trap of trying to prove that I am doing my best. Please help me get my wife back. I don't even care about everything else, just her.