There are exactly three things I hate: being woken up, being given responsibilities, and being surrounded by idiots.
So naturally, the universe decided to shove all three into one package and gift-wrap it with magic sparkles.
My name is Kael. I'm 21, mildly underpaid, perpetually tired, and currently falling through a sky that looks like someone spilled glitter on anxiety.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" I scream, flailing mid-air like a duck that forgot how to duck.
The wind answers with a slap to my face. That's fair. I did insult it yesterday.
Let me rewind a bit.
It was supposed to be a normal Sunday afternoon. I had ramen, Wi-Fi, and a nap scheduled from 2:00 PM to "whenever I damn wake up." But someone up there—yes, I mean you, random lazy god—hit send on a celestial email meant for a "Chosen Hero" and accidentally summoned me instead.
Do I look like a chosen anything?
My hair's a mess, I wear the same hoodie for three days straight, and the only thing I've conquered is level 500 in Candy Crush.
I crash into a meadow of glowing mushrooms, which bounce like trampolines and smell vaguely of guilt and wet socks.
"Welcome, O Hero!" a voice sings from the clouds.
Oh no.
A floating holographic woman appears above me, wearing a toga, a crown, and a smile that says "HR manager from hell."
"My name is Lady Aelith, Goddess of Order and Manager of Realm Transfers," she declares. "You have been chosen to save the world of Dymora from the approaching darkness!"
"Unsubscribe."
"Pardon?"
"I said unsubscribe. Block sender. Report spam."
Aelith blinks, confused. "This is a sacred summoning."
"This is a sacred waste of my time."
I get up, dust my hoodie, and realize I've landed in some magical Disneyland. The trees have eyes, the grass glows, and somewhere nearby, something screams like it just got its tax report.
Aelith floats lower, now frowning like she's trying to solve a Rubik's cube with her elbows.
"There must be… a misunderstanding. You're not the Hero?"
"No. I'm the guy who ordered garlic naan ten minutes before his nap. And now I'll never taste it, will I? Because someone," I look directly at her, "clicked the wrong attachment."
Aelith conjures a scroll. Her brows furrow. "Oh… Oh no. It says here the hero was supposed to be Kaen, a noble warrior with the heart of gold."
"Do I look like a Kaen to you?"
She looks. I'm in black joggers, a sarcastic T-shirt that says *'I'm not antisocial, I just hate you'*, and a hoodie that could legally be declared a biohazard.
"…You're right. This is bad."
"No kidding."
"But!" she brightens again. "I can't send you back. The portal has closed for 1000 cycles. You'll have to stay."
I stare at her.
She stares at me.
"…You do realize I have rent due next week, right?"
She waves her hand, and a system window pops into view like a game HUD.
[Skill Acquired: Verbal Abuse Lv. Max]
Effect: Your words deal mental and emotional damage to enemies. May cause depression, rage quits, or existential crisis.
Warning: Too much sarcasm may cause divine backlash.
"Oh great," I mutter. "You gave me the Twitter skill."
Lady Aelith claps her hands. "You'll be amazing! The Demon Lords won't know what hit them!"
"They'll die from secondhand embarrassment."
Suddenly, there's a rustle. A group of goblins emerges from the bushes. Four of them. Green, slimy, with clubs and one of them wearing bunny ears for some reason. They charge.
"Fight them, Hero!" Aelith yells.
I sigh. Loudly.
"Alright, listen up, you walking boogers."
The goblins freeze.
I point at the one with bunny ears. "You. What exactly are you going for? Battle cosplay? Because you look like Easter threw up on regret."
The bunny-eared goblin whimpers and drops his club.
"You," I point at the tallest one. "I've seen salad with more muscle. Did you get rejected from a soup commercial?"
He bursts into tears and runs.
I turn to the last two. "Still wanna go?"
They shake their heads and flee. One trips over a mushroom and faceplants into a glowing puddle. Good.
Lady Aelith gapes. "You didn't even touch them…"
"Words hurt," I say, stretching. "Especially when you've got nothing between your ears but stale lettuce."
Aelith floats silently, possibly re-evaluating her entire godly career.
I sit on a nearby rock.
"So," I say, "any chance you summoned a coffee machine with me?"