My earliest recollections of things sexual are of what I think must have
occurred some time between my age of five, and eight years. I tell of
them just as I recollect them, without attempt to fill in what seems
probable.
She was I suppose my nursemaid. I recollect that she sometimes held my
little prick when I piddled, was it needful to do so? I don't know. She
attempted to pull my propuce back, when, and how often I know not. But I
am clear at seeing the prick tip show, of feeling pain, of yelling out,
of her soothing me, and of this occurring more than once. She comes to
my memory as a shortish, fattish young female and that she often felt my
prick.
One day, it must have been late in the afternoon, for the sun was low,
but shining--how strange I should recollect that so clearly--but I have
always recollected sunshine.--I had been walking out with her, toys had
been bought me, we were both carrying them, she stopped and talked to
some men, one caught hold of her and kissed her, I felt frightened, it
was near a coach stand, for hackney coaches were there, cabs were not
then known, she put what toys she had on to my hands, and went into a
house with a man. What house? I don't know. Probably a public-house, for
there was one not far from a coach stand, and not far from our house.
She came out and we went home.
Then I was in our house in a carpeted room with her; it could not have
been the nursery I know, sitting on the floor with my toys, so was she;
she played with me and the toys, we rolled over each other on the floor
in fun, I have a recollection of having done that with others, and of my
father and mother, being in that room at times with me playing.
She kissed me, got out my cock, and played with it, took one of my hands
and put it underneath her clothes. It felt rough there, that's all, she
moved my little hand violently there then she felt my cock and again
hurt me, I recollect seeing the red tip appear as she pulled down the
prepuce, and my crying out, and her quieting me.
Then of her being on her back, of my striding across or between her
legs, and her heaving me up and down, and my riding cock-horse and that
it was not the first time I had done so; then I fell flat on her, she
heaved me up and down and squeezed me till I cried. I scrambled of! of
her, and in doing so, my hand, or foot went through a drum, I had been
drumming on, at which I cried.
As I sat crying on the floor besides her, I recollect her naked legs,
and one of her hands shaking violently beneath her petticoats, and of my
having some vague notion that the woman was ill, I felt timid. All was
for a moment quiet, her hand ceased, still she lay on her back, and I
saw her thighs, then turning round she drew me to her, kissed me and
tranquillised me. As she turned round I saw one side of her backside, I
leant over it and laid my face on it, crying about my broken drum, the
evening sunbeams made it all bright, it had at some time been raining I
recollect.
I expect I must have seen her cunt, as I sat beside her naked thigh.
Looking towards her and crying about my broken drum, and when I saw
her hand moving no doubt she was frigging. Yet I have not the slightest
recollection of her cunt, nor of anything more than I have told. But of
having seen her naked thighs, I am certain, I seem often to have seen
them, but cannot feel certain of that.
The oddest thing is, that whilst I early recollected more or less
clearly what took place two or three years later on, and ever
afterwards, on sexual matters; and what I said, heard, and did, and
nearly consecutively, this my first recollection of cock, and cunt,
escaped my memory for full twenty years.
Then one day talking with the husband of one of my cousins, about
infantine incidents he told me something which had occurred to him in
his childhood; and suddenly, almost as quickly as a magic lantern throws
a picture on to a wall, this which had occurred to me came into my mind.
I have since thought over it a hundred times, but cannot recollect one
circumstance relating to the adventure more than I have told.
My mother had been giving advice to my cousin about nursemaids. They
were not to be trusted. "When Walter was a little fellow, she had
dismissed a filthy creature, whom she had detected in abominable
practices with one of her children," what they were my mother never
disclosed. She hated indelicacies of any sort, and usually cut short
allusion to them by saying, "It's not a subject to talk about, let's
talk of something else." My cousin told her husband, and when we
were together he told me, and his own experiences, and then all the
circumstances came into my mind, just as I have told here.
I could not, as the reader will hear, thoroughly uncover my prick tip
without pain, till I was sixteen years old nor well then when quite
stiff unless it went up a cunt. My nursemaid I expect thought this
curious, and tried to remedy the error in my make, and hurt me. My
mother, by her extremely delicate feeling, shut herself off from much
knowledge of the world, which was the reason why she had such implicit
belief in my virtue, until I had seen twenty-two years, and kept, or
nearly so, a French harlot.
I imagine I must have slept with this nurse-maid, and certainly I did
with some female, in a room called the Chinese room, on account of the
color of the wall papers. I recollect a female being there in bed with
me, that I awoke one morning feeling very hot, and stifled, and that my
head was against flesh; that flesh was all about me, my mouth and nose
being embedded in hair, or some thing scrubby, which had a hot peculiar
odour. I have a recollection of a pair of hands suddenly clutching,
and dragging me up on to the pillow, and of daylight then. I have no
recollection of a word being uttered. This incident I could not long
have forgoten, having told my cousin Fred, of it before my father died.
He used to say it was the governess. I suppose, I must have slipped down
in my sleep, till my head laid against her belly, and cunt.
Some years afterwards when I got the smell of another woman's cunt on my
fingers, it at once reminded me of the smell I had under my nose in
the bed; and I knew at a flash, that I had smelt cunt before, and
recollected where, but no more.
How long after, I have no idea, but it seems like two or three years,
there was a dance in our house, several relations were to stop the night
with us, the house was full, here was bustle, the shifting of beds, the
governess going into a servant's room to sleep, and so on. Some female
cousins were amongst those stopping with us; going into the drawing-room
suddenly, I heard my mother saying to one of my aunts: "Walter is after
all but a child, and its only for one night." Hish-hish both said, as
they saw me, then my mother sent me out of the room, wondering why they
were talking about me, and feeling curious, and annoyed at being sent
away.
I had been in the habit then of sleeping in a room, either with another
bed in it, or close to a room leading out of it, with another bed, I
cannot recollect which; I used to call out to whoever might have been
there when I was in bed: for being timid, the door was kept open for me.
It could not have been a man who slept there, for the men servants slept
on the ground-floor, I have seen their beds there.
The night I speak of, my bed was taken out, and put into the Chinese
paper room, one of the maids who helped to move it, sat on the pot and
piddled; I heard the rattle, and as far as I can recollect it was the
first time I noticed anything of the sort, tho I recollect well seeing
women putting on their stockings and feeling the thigh of one of them
just above her knee. I was kneeling on the floor at the time, and had a
trumpet, which she took angrily out of my hand soon afterwards, because
I made a noise.
I recollect the dance, that I danced with a tall lady, that my mother
contrary to custom as it seems to me, put me to bed herself, and that it
was before the dance was over, for I felt angry and tearful at being put
to bed so early. My mother closed the curtains quite tightly all round
a small four post bed, and told me, I was to lie quietly, and not get up
till she came to me in the morning; not to speak, nor undo my curtains,
nor to get out of bed, or I should disturb Mr. and Mrs. ------ who were
to sleep in the big bed; that it would make them angry if I did. I am
almost certain she named a lady and her husband, who were going to stay
with us; but can't be sure. A man then frightened me more than a woman,
my mother I dare say knew that.
I dare say, for it was the same the greater part of my life, that I went
to sleep directly I laid down, usually never awaking till the morning.
Certainly I must have gone fast asleep that night; perhaps I had had
a little wine given me, who knows; I have a sudden consciousness of a
light, and hear some one say, he is fast asleep, don't make a noise;
it seemed like my mother's voice. I rouse myself and listen, the
circumstances are strange, the room strange, it excites me, and I rise
on my knees, I don't know whether naturally, or cautiously, or
how; perhaps cautiously, because I fear angering my mother, and the
gentleman, perhaps a sexual instinct makes me curious, though that
is not probable. I have not in fact the slightest conception of the
actuating motive, but I sat up and listened. There were two females
talking, laughing quietly, and moving about, I heard a rattling in the
pot, then a rest, then again a rattle and knew the sound of piddling.
How long I listened, I don't know, I might have dozed and awakened
again, I saw lights moved about; then I crawled on my knees, with fear
that I was doing wrong, and pushed a little aside the curtains where
they met at the bottom of the bed. I recollect their being quite tight
by the tucking in and that I could not easily make an opening to peep
through.
There was a girl, or young woman with her back to me, brushing her hair,
another was standing by her, one took a night gown off the chair, shook
it out, and dropped it over her head, after drawing off her chemise. As
this was done I saw some black at the bottom of her belly, a fear came
over me, that I was doing wrong and should be punished if found looking,
and I laid down wondering at it all, I fancy I again slept.
Then there was a shuffling about, and again it seems as if I heard a
noise like piddling, the light was put out, I felt agitated, I heard the
women kiss, one say hish! you will wake that brat, then one said listen,
then I heard kisses and breathing like some one sighing, I thought some
one must be ill and felt alarmed and must then have fallen asleep. I do
not know who the women were, they must have been my cousins, or young
ladies who had come to the dance. That was the first time I recollect
seeing the hair of a cunt, though I must have seen it before, for I
recollect at times a female (most likely a nursemaid) stand naked, but
don't recollect noticing anything black between her thighs, nor did I
think about it at all afterwards.