I am very accustomed to love being a transaction and am used to suppressing my own needs and sacrificing myself to give others. Thus I tried to love in my own way by obsessing over what you may need and tried to mold myself into being "the perfect friend" for you. It obviously backfired lmfao and all that resentment building up and having to uphold the "perfect friend" mask forced me emotionally to explode. Honestly, I also think you deserve what the current best version of me could give you considering you were there for me when I was at my worst.
I am pretty sure I unconditionally love you Liz. I mean you could hate me, I would still love you. You could ignore my existence which yes would hurt me and I would still love you. To unconditionally love someone could also mean to tolerate their toxic behaviors. I was always willing to be there for you simply because I loved to hear from you regardless of what the topic was. I also was very happy if what I learned could help your life a little easier too. I simply wanted to "see you" because of my own selfish desires and to take care of you just so I can try and make your life easier. Honestly out of everyone I took a romantic interest in, I never really felt this way to anyone aside from you 🤔and for this long too for someone who doesn't even like me back. if it makes you feel any more lovable, my romantic feelings and/or love for you has been so intense, at one point in the past, I considered you marriage material. Truly, I wanted nothing more than just to be at your side somehow and I did try to do so as your friend. I simply liked hearing from you anyways. I'm sure you would be a great, gentle, and kind wife by the way for whoever the lucky person in the future is👍. I have absolutely no regrets in my heart and me choosing you out of all my past romantic interests and exes. I was right to choose you, I love you the most out of everyone in this world. I hope you fully understand and acknowledge how much I truly love you. Perhaps in another life, I could simply stay by your side.
Here are some things I think that might help you based on what I learned from therapy and from others who have been in therapy: I greatly appreciate that you have asked me for our discussion to not insult and attack each other. I have just broken up with another friend who called me narrow minded which felt like an insult ouch, I guess this is unfortunately a reoccurring thing in humanity. I don't think what everyone realizes is that sometimes they may be insulting someone they're in a conflict/arguing with which may make the relationship worse. I am sorry if you had to realize this lesson from experience Liz, please let me make your life easier if I can. We are two people pleasers in a friendship and we both have different needs, I truly think we are obviously platonically incompatible, I need someone to be direct and upfront (which describes me tbh lol) with me and you someone who is soft and patient (I am assuming but correct me if I'm wrong). I don't know how else to say this asides that what we both need doesn't match up with each other, you find it difficult to be direct and confrontational unlike me who loves doing it. I find it difficult to tone myself down. I can not accommodate your needs if I were to truly be myself and you can not accommodate my needs if you were also to be yourself. Unfortunately we were just two shells of a personality loving the mask of the other I guess (from what I learned in therapy). I hope you can ask yourself what your needs are in this cruel world and somehow realize that your needs are important and no one (unless they're a good people reader) knows your own needs aside from yourself. I truly think people bond the best as themselves and are able to speak up about their needs. Over time, I realized that something was "wrong" in our friendship. I always somewhat figured you weren't truly yourself in our friendship. The same applies to myself too but we're just two people pleasers so it was neither of our faults and we needed one of us to point out how we were unintentionally hurting each other in our friendship.
I have tried my absolute best to help you become a better person and have a happier life in my own way. I am happy to see you feel comfortable enough with me to stand up to me. I hope I was able to make you feel more confident in yourself in standing up and defending yourself and that your voice truly does matter. I am sorry to hear that it seems your experiences must have majorly made you assume and/or think that your opinions/voice doesn't matter. I also am happy to have had the privilege to see you go through such a difficult decision just to give me the reply I may have wanted to hear. I am extremely thankful really, thank you for sharing your vulnerability with me, it makes me really happy that my current favorite person has chosen to do that with me. Your version of love is to life a little less stressful for me, okay then I hope my love for you can make your life a little more meaningful and have an increase in quality of life and a decrease in depression/hardship.
I am sorry for dragging you into my emotional mess, once upon a time for a long time, you truly were all I had. I'm sorry for forcing you to take upon the role that tired you out. Yet I am also extremely grateful you chose to take upon that role when no one else was able to give me a safe haven and only up until now have I finally found the friendships I needed (online only lol) all this time where I can finally be my true self. You are my favorite person and you probably will be until I either emotionally/romantically latch onto someone else or I stop this weird romantic latching onto people cycle I have been in since I was 13. You have made me more happy than you know and I will always cherish what you have given me. I was more than happy to just be able to stay by your side even if staying by your side as a friend could hurt me. Truthfully I never had anything better than you in terms of those who I was romantically into. I am very used to being hurt constantly in some type of way to everyone I'm romantically into anyways so it doesn't even matter even if you somehow unintentionally hurted me. It isn't your fault, the fault is really this world teaching us to be in unhealthy relationships, etc. I was very happy to stay with you at any cost…
I did want you to truly be yourself. Though if I'm being honest to myself, I guess I also wanted you to fully be present and there too which at times you couldn't be or just didn't want to. It kind of does hurt me when I wanted nothing more than to just see you "next to me" in a way. I really did try to get you to somehow please people as minimally as possible and try to make you feel comfortable enough to show me the real you. Of course this comes at the cost of me being unable to truly be myself around you and building up resentment for you too.
How you have helped me grow and complemented me. In my life of pressuring myself and whatnot, you have helped me grow by having me be gentle on myself. In my life where everyone was cruel, you who simply watched anime with me, played Genshin Impact with me, and talked to me a lot, and thanked me whenever I streamed anime on that one private server of ours meant a lot to me. Honestly doing those things with you probably helped me healed from the shit I was dealing with my 2nd ex. You were quite literally everything to me at one point. For the past 3 years, you have been everything to me. In my struggles of moving on from you, I see you in everything. Man, I seriously regret being harsh to you for helping me in my survey summarizing project in feedback; your messages are metaphorically like the sun and a gentle touch to me. I also learned from you what I may want in a romantic partner that finally doesn't cause me anxiety 24/7.