Hello, I apologize for taking as long as I did to properly respond to everything; by the time I last replied, I was feeling really really really physically and mentally exhausted, and frankly, this entire chain of messages kind of made me feel far worse than I initially was. I've been pretty much overthinking what to properly say for days, having far more stuff to address as the days passed by, and while these words may not be 100% perfect, I guess they're close to what my stance is and how I've been feeling.
Addressing things in the proper order:
1. Regarding you asking for help for your survey: I did understand your request. I know you meant to ask me for help to find more people to fill it so you could get more responses from it, and I responded by mentioning I don't think I have many people in my circle that would have the time to complete it (I'm barely even able to talk to them as frequently as I would like, since they have far busier schedules), nor understand (reminding you that, there is a language barrier, and most of my closer circle speak in Spanish and are not as proficient in English). I did not appreciate you getting frustrated at me nor being as blunt about it as you were, and I genuinely thought my answer on the matter was clear, but I do apologize for any misunderstanding this exchange could have caused at the time. I do hope you're able to find more people to properly fill it and you're able to get the data you need.
2. Regarding your feelings: I'll be really honest, it really did take me by surprise, and I did not associate your actions with how you actually were feeling… I thought it was a matter in the past and that you had moved on, so I did not know your frustrations surged from this place. I do apologize for not really noticing any of it, and not being aware that it was hurting you like this. Frankly, whenever I interact with others, I automatically assume people don't really think of me like that, so I completely discard that possibility (of people getting close because they have feelings for me, i mean lol). While it wasn't under my control, I do feel bad about it as I understand it was causing additional emotional stress to you, and I do apologize for that.
On the other hand, in terms of our friendship dynamic, I really thought we were okay; I understand you want your friends to be present, be upfront about how they feel, to fulfill your friendship needs, and to listen to you whenever you need someone to do so, as you have mentioned in the past. But reading through this exchange, I just wanted to say that I really did try to be a good friend to you… I tried to be as present as I could, and to lend a hand whenever and whatever I could. Adulthood/uni life/relationships with other people in general is stressful, and I understand multiple things happening at once can be really fucking overwhelming.. I just tried to give advice/comfort to ease that stress I know it can induce, because it's the words I wish someone else had told me in advance before I had to go through it myself. I do care about you, even if sometimes I do have trouble properly expressing it, and while the road ahead is a treacherous one, I only wanted to contribute to making things a little bit easier to handle, and to let you know you were not alone in the matter.
However, I guess my execution wasn't the perfect one, and that I still fell short on what you really wanted and needed of me as a friend, so I do apologize for that. Again, most of the things you mentioned were either a complete surprise to me / things I did not expect were hurting you, or things I thought were completely alright.
3. Overall thoughts: I was not going to ghost you. Although, there was a pretty big part of me that did consider it, because I am not really comfortable with confrontation or any type of stress (and not out of not caring enough), and I did not appreciate your tone at certain parts of your message chain. However, I also understand that you want clarity on things, which is why I'm writing this entire thing over the course of a million years.
That said, after having some time to read through your messages multiple times and think about things… I sadly do not think we should remain being friends anymore. I know you do consider me as a very close friend to you, and likewise I consider you a really good friend to me, but I'm not sure I can, from my point of view, see a way to see past this situation. While I do appreciate your honesty on how you have been feeling, I don't think I can, in good conscience, remain friends when you have been unknowingly putting my needs above yours. I do appreciate you being there to listen to me at times, and overall for everything you've done, but I was not aware it was harming you as badly as it has been, and I really really really don't want to keep contributing to that ;-; Even if it's something you choose to do, I fear it could grow to a type of resentment (writer's note: I wrote this before seeing your last message… so that aged like milk). As an additional thing, since we're being honest, I have also found myself feeling extremely emotionally drained and overwhelmed after our interactions. It's not your fault, and it has not happened with just you; it's more of a me-issue and I'm still trying to work around it, so please do not think of that as a negative thing about you as a person. I understand you've also had your own battles, you rely on your friends for comfort, and I've been more than happy to listen and to lend a hand with whatever I could. But it's how I've been feeling for a while now, and I really tried bottling it up, and tried to be a slight people pleaser just to not upset you. However, not being upfront about it pretty much backfired, and I'm just not sure if, with how I have been feeling, and after learning about your real thoughts on how our friendship has been, I can still fit into that role.
I apologize if any detail mentioned can be a bit confusing or if my point did not properly get across; there were many messages, and I just wanted to address things as concisely and clearly as i could. I also just wanted to mention that this message doesn't really come from any place of anger, dislike or hate of any kind (strong words, but overall no negative feelings). It also may not be what you expected to hear, but I wanted to be honest, tell you my point of view on things, while also trying to be considerate and understanding of your feelings.