Thank you for choosing to not ghost me and to take the courage and bravery to be honest on expressing how you feel. I understand that it can be scary for you. I'll process it and think it over on how I may want to proceed. It's fine if it's not perfect, i think it's great as is anyways. Apologies for me being blunt, its honestly just my natural defense mechanism so I can defend myself and have proper autonomy due to my trauma of not having my own autonomy if that helps explain my actions/behavior any better. I genuinely think me being blunt at the cost of possibly hurting others which may led to self destruction is better than me being placed in a similar situation where my 2nd ex put me in. Not only that, i am just blunt and don't think things through when in a very emotional state.
I would like to properly explain my feelings and have a discussion on how our dynamic has led up to this point. I want to do so because I want to be direct and to make things clear. Technically we are already having the discussion now. Unfortunately my repressed emotions of resentment has indeed exploded and has to led to this. If you are okay with this discussion being had, just react to this message with a thumbs up emoji. I struggle to be comfortable when responded with silence by the other party because it gives me a sense of unpredictability where I don't know if they would just hurt me or something else which increases anxiety for me.I really do think this discussion between us has always been needed.
Lizmarie: Sure, I don't have a problem with that. I do have one request though, if I'm able to do so: if we are to have this discussion, I do kindly request for it to be a respectful one. Assuming we are on the same page on things, I would like to believe no one here has the intention to attack the other (at least, I do not intend to, nor did I even consider about doing so). Things are stressful enough as they are, and I know you may feel anxious or feel anger/resentment. However, I think the purpose of the discussion is to understand each other's point of view, and mutually reach a outcome or resolution, not to attack each other for previous events, nor make things even more difficult than they already are. So please, no insults, and no personal attacks.
I've had previous situations where things would just get out of hand, and I would really like to not repeat any similar incident to that.
Caleb: I'll do my best to not repeat that, i apologize for acting impulsive and emotional. The anxiety was spiking up to a certain point made me see you as a threat and it was a trauma response for me to just attack first so I won't be manipulated. Im thankful to you for giving me another chance despite me having done so. I'll also do my best to try and understand your situation since I lacked the understanding of how things really were tough for you. I am sorry yet again, I appreciate you standing up for yourself and explaining it to me as it made things easier since I would prefer it that way which makes me able to truly understand your point of view.
Lizmarie: There's no need to apologize, don't worry. If I'm being honest, it did sting a little bit when it happened (your anger outburst, I mean), but I completely understand where it came from, and there's no issue with that. I just wanted to assure that, at least from my end, I'll also keep my cool and try to be as clear-headed as I can be.
Also wanted to mention ahead that I'll take my time on reading your thoughts and properly processing things (this time I won't take more than a week again, lol). Breaking the ice on discussions was probably the second hardest thing for me to do, but that has already been done, so yeah just saying that to help ease your anxiety. Likewise, I'll understand if you also do need to take your time to process.
No problem, that's completely fair, and thank you. She says with a saluating emoji texted.
Caleb begins to ramble on for a long time:
I think I'll start with how I actually felt back then and the real reason why I just packed my emotional bags, left you one text message and then just left.
Honestly I think I felt abanonded back then which was why I resented you and felt extremely upset. I realize recently that I have a need for predictability or consistency. I think I was accustomed to your behavior back then where it developed into a routine. I felt like I had finally got the comfortable love, validation, and companionship for the first time from you specifically. Which would probably explain why I think that my romantic feelings or possible intense platonic love for you has persisted for like 1-3 years now and I truthfully don't think it will stop anytime soon considering such intense love I have for you has exceeded my expectations of my ability to love others. I believe you have explained yourself that you were busy but I felt upset that even on the times that you were free, you didn't seem to choose to spend it with me or you seemed to just rejected me after giving me secure comfortable love for 6 months. I honestly felt hurt because it felt like you gave me the love and companionship I have always desired in life and could never find in anyone else and then one day you just decided to just stop giving me the love that I always wanted from you which was the real reason on why I felt extremely upset. I felt rejected after feeling like I was finally accepted for who I was and got healthy comfortable companionship.
I mean getting the love you had always wanted and then I guess the person just one day stopped doing it just uh really hurted me. Or I guess you seemed to be excited to spend time with me at the time and I felt like I had received gentle love and treatment for the first time compared to literally everyone else just either made me think that "love was transactional or just mistreated me badly or just neglected me.
While I am currently confused at myself if the love I give to others is just me manipulating myself to be the perfect man just so I can serve others and make them happy and then have them somehow give me the love and validation I always needed by loving me for me. Which is ironic because I need to be myself first and not a "ooo I'm the perfect man for you in friendship/partner/etc" mask. I learned this about myself in the enneagram concept specifically which was why I did show you the whole "sp2" image in hopes that somehow it would explain my behavior and my actions.
There was a part of me at the time and possibly still now who honestly just wanted to make you happy in whatever way I could realistically can as some guy in california and you're all the way in puerto rico.
I am talented in somehow understanding what people may need and read their needs but honestly I feel like whole "yes man, very willing to be your therapist, a very selfless man just serving solely to make you happy, i am the most perfect man you could have in ur life" mask was tiring for me to upkeep. Perhaps I did manipulate myself to do this to somehow get the love and validation I always desired. Truthfully I think I have always wanted the comfortable love, gentle love, and sense of stability and security that didn't have anxiety for once from you specifically. Because out of everyone I have been romantically attracted to, you are the only one who has given me a sense of peace. I believe you're probably someone who will just somehow live in my mind rent free or in other words in a more metaphorical way, you will have a tiny house always in my heart. I think the song enchanted by taylor swift is probably the most accurate way on how I feel about you? A thinking emoji is inserted
Also Im sorry if I ramble a lot 💀 im pretty sure Im probably intellectually disabled since being autistic can be considered as disabled in an intellectual way so I don't know which details are important and which ones aren't. So I end up choosing to say literally everything. Well assuming you are neurotypical and have trouble somehow understanding what I am saying because neurotypicals and neurodivergents tend to be confused at each other when communication styles are different and whatnot.
I mean I did try to love you in my own way by reading your needs and then serving you in what I thought you needed the best in a "practical way". I also do remember your birthday very easily as any time I literally see the clock number 1:17 i am reminded of you. Not only that, my brain will immediately and be more than happy to wish you a happy birthday the moment it turns 12am whenever ur birthday does actually come. Meanwhile when trying to remember other people's birthdays, I literally forget until they have to repeat it to me again or I have to look at it in my birthday notes.
I also did try to give you a safe space where you could be yourself using the psychological knowledge I know and am very interested in. I geninuely wanted to just take care of you mentally, if somehow I could teleport to where you were physically, I probably would be more than happy to take care of you physically if you needed to as well. Especially since I feel like I am physically more abled bodied than you are.
I think I felt some resentment growing because it seemed like you ignored my love declarations. I just wished you had at least acknowledged it because it felt like you were saying "your love is useless to me" by choosing to remain silent which honestly hurts me because it's also like saying im useless to you. I took your silence whenever I did try to express my love for you in words of affirmation as you just rejecting it entirely which partially made me feel more resentful to you.
I think I felt some resentment growing because it seemed like you ignored my love declarations. I just wished you had at least acknowledged it because it felt like you were saying "your love is useless to me" by choosing to remain silent which honestly hurts me because it's also like saying im useless to you. I took your silence whenever I did try to express my love for you in words of affirmation as you just rejecting it entirely which partially made me feel more resentful to you.
Thank you for choosing to not ghost me and to take the courage and bravery to be honest on expressing how you feel. I understand that it can be scary for you. I'll process it and think it over on how I may want to proceed. It's fine if it's not perfect, i think it's great as is anyways. Apologies for me being blunt, its honestly just my natural defense mechanism so I can defend myself and have proper autonomy due to my trauma of not having my own autonomy if that helps explain my actions/behavior any better. I genuinely think me being blunt at the cost of possibly hurting others which may led to self destruction is better than me being placed in a similar situation where my 2nd ex put me in. Not only that, i am just blunt and don't think things through when in a very emotional state.