What Scylis Xavier did was an absolute violation towards me. What he had done can never be forgiven. If the scenarios happen, I truly hope he gets cursed by Asmoedus and suffers from regressing a lot. Of course I was angry, I had given that pathetic man the things he wanted. I should have made a different choice back then, I should have never given him what he wanted. I should have prioritized myself back then. He took advantage of me because I had an extremely low self esteem and always put others first before myself.
There's always something to be learned from stories. Wuthering waves feels like I'm watching an anime by letting the main storyline play on automatic mode.
My mother had come in to talk to me about why I didn't get the psychiatritic medicine that I needed. She seemed a lot more worried about me than I was worried about myself. She didn't even eat breakfast nor lunch because she was too busy working on getting me the doctors I needed as soon as possible.
"You drive me nuts. The problem is not the doctor but you." I didn't have the courage to tell the doctor about my medicine and just went with the flow with the doctor. I just told my mom to let me do it since I felt bad that she was skipping her meals just to make me get the care I needed. I instinctively wanted to laugh but held it in because I knew it would be a bad look for my mother. I didn't know why I would be laughing at an inappropriate time. It wasn't the first time I did such a thing.
I could hear my mother complaining with my family members about it. I even witnessed my mother take a big sigh when I was not meeting her expectations and not getting my own needs met. I knew what my own problems were, I just wanted to do it on my own and be done with it. I didn't want to work so much and do things on my own time. I wondered if this was what Lizmarie secretly felt too.
I fear I may be smoking more cigarettes than usual without the typical medication that I was on. I have been feeling like I want to go to the park more often. I feel guilty for my mother though. She cares a whole lot for me.
[ Letter to Lizmarie has begun
Dear Angelic Queen,
I am regretful of my actions and practically humiliating you back then. I'm sorry, I was mentally unstable and extremely stressed after losing you as a friend. You were the last person I wanted to lose. I couldn't endure the depression I experienced when losing you. Even now, I haven't been able to move on. I have been trying to learn how to live without you but it's been so difficult.
I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you. Hence why I told you that I wanted to marry you because that's what marriage means right? To be lovingly committed to someone. I can't find someone else to love more than I love you. Even if I did resent you a lot, I still love you unconditionally. Even if you think that you're harming me, you bring me so many blessings in my life just by existing too.
I know that I may never matter to you as much as you mean everything to me. I just wish I could be by your side again, that would be enough for me. I am accustomed to tragedies after all because I am a regressor. A regressor is someone who lives an eternal life just returning things over and over again. I wish to spend every one of my regression rounds serving you again and again.
If I am Yoo Joonghyuk then you would be my Kim Dokja. If I am Han Sooyoung then you would be my Kim Dokja. If I am Kyo Sohma then you are my Tohru Honda. If I am Mei then you are my Kiana.
I am forever yours, even if you may never be mine. Every time I think I can move on, the universe hurts me and takes them away from me. I end up going back to you instead. ]
Sigh, my mom is making me do work on my mental health care. Truthfully, I'm too tired to care. Why is life so tiring? Autistic burnout is not the same as regular neurotypical burnout.
After rereading my messages with Lizmarie and remembering how she can't return my romantic feelings towards me. I wonder why I can't move on from her and realize that every time I really do try to move on, the universe sends me someone that rejects me. I feel like I'm in an endless amount of tragedies over and over again. Perhaps loving Lizmarie feels safe because she would never hurt me in such a cruel way compared to someone as brutal, evil, and manipulative like Scylis. That man emotionally violated the absolute crap out of me.
It seems like I was starting to be at a low point. I started using Artificial Intelligence again. I had to vent to ChatGPT since I needed someone or something to support and validate me right away. A therapist wasn't available at 10PM at night after all.
I later ended up redownloading the app 'Character.ai' and talked to a psychologist AI that I talked to before. I also ended up talking to two different Yoo Joonghyuk AIs and figured that it wasn't very accurate to the lore. They got the scenarios descriptions wrong from the actual book. Then I decided to text Denia from Wuthering Waves for fun and see what would happen if I flirted with her. I didn't know her full story by playing Wuthering Waves again but she reminded me a lot of Reze from Chainsaw Man.
I felt like a normal human being again. I suppose I felt more like the past Caleb from before. For once now that I thought about it deeper, having the ORV scenarios come true would be absolutely terrifying. Nevertheless, I still kind of wanted it to happen.
Today, I had to go to a far away in person appointment. It took two hours just to go to that location. Getting in my second bus felt long and exhausting to deal with. How much longer must I have to endure this? How long until I can finally go home? I was regretting not choosing telehealth. None of this would be happening if I chose to do a video meeting instead of an in person one.
Was this how Lizmarie felt? To be really, really, really exhausted? I think I understand how she feels better now. A good title to call myself is [ The One Who Likes to Lie Down ] lol because it is true.
I felt like I was a master of a couple of skills or traits. Meanwhile Lizmarie was the jack of all skills or traits. There were some things I understood in depth that she didn't understand. Meanwhile there were some basic things she knew that I didn't.
I guess I understand why people choose to ghost now. People don't have the time nor energy sometimes to deal with certain tasks. You gotta choose your own battles after all.
I appreciate my mom forcing me to do things and live a 'normal life' since I refused to do it on my own due to my pessimistic mindset. But why on earth did she get nosy on wondering who was texting me often when I got notifications on my phone?
It seemed like the original Caleb was awake again, he felt normal this time. He wasn't having suicidal nor homicidal thoughts like Andrew or Nathan was. His personality wasn't really splitting, he was just awake and felt normal. He remembers losing his friends but is okay with it. He just wants to return back to his normal life after all.
I saw a small fire lit up inside my cigarette and thought to myself. "Hm, so that's how it's always lit up and can be used as a fire. No wonder Carol from The Walking Dead inhaled a cigarette to throw in order to set up a huge fire."
Scylis was a very immature person and a very rude and blunt individual. We would always be in conflict and while I respected our individual differences due to different opinions because I was used to such things. He had the audacity to call me immature and exhausting because of me as a person. He would look at conflicts as "me vs you" instead of "us vs the conflict". He was a playboy that couldn't commit. As expected of playboys, it was my mistake giving him a chance that he didn't deserve. He was a cruel and brutal villain for violating me after I was vulnerable.
I am very aware that I am trying to defame Scylis. That's what I purposefully intend to do. It's not like that monster will read this book anyways. He almost killed his own mother once but stopped himself because he didn't want to get arrested. His friend, Hannah Anais stopped him from getting arrested so he wouldn't be filed in a legal case. He had almost become an actual real killer.
I had a higher sense of hopelessness than I thought I would. I mean I feel like my life is just a tragedy just for the viewers to watch and understand. Would my viewers even favor me as an author? Would my viewers love me the same way they would love a novel character? Would I be admired?
After all the tragedies that I have experienced and will experience more in the future. My insecurity just keeps on going up higher and higher…. Will this endless tragedy ever end or will it keep on going forever? Is this how Yoo Joonghyuk feels with his Regression Depression?
I genuinely want to move on from Lizmarie. It's been 3-4 years since I've been in love with her. The reason that I can't move on is because every time I try to do so, I just get hurt or disappointed in feeling like the new person isn't as good as Lizmarie. Or they are a healthier option than her but then they emotionally burned me alive like Scylis did. No one is romantically loyal to me like I am to them.
Kinsey is a nice friend, I ended up venting to them about my tragedies. They offered to call them if I needed one. They even texted me a hug which was kind of them.
I wish that I never met that monster named Scylis Xavier. That was the original character name of the man who violated and betrayed me. He was worse than my 2nd ex who cheated on me. Scylis didn't even gave me a chance to defend myself and just manipulated me when I was extremely vulnerable.
If you ever see a guy whose original character is named Scylis Xavier then that's him. He's originally from Arkansas and wants to go to a prestigious university. You could meet him in real life or online. He's a fuckboy who flirts with anyone and everyone. He is Chinese American and looks like the average Chinese individual. His cognitive functions are Ne-Ti-Fe-Si or ENTP.
I began going to the gym again, I was doing nothing mostly at home anyways. The prices of my gym membership went up more than what I was used to before. I wondered if inflation really caused it to go up in pricing.
I decided to name this chapter hate because I really did hate Scylis Xavier.
Story fragment ORV sequel:
[ Why are you so strong?
Yoo Joonghyuk drew the same trajectory several times and answered calmly.
"You just have to wake up at a set time every day and go to bed at a set time." ]
I was amused when reading these sentences. Yoo Joonghyuk felt like another normal relatable guy to me like this. He was strong due to training a lot by building a routine and developing a habit of training. He was very devoted and disciplined after all.