After the commotion back in the outer courtyard, Tao Hua and Suo Han were left without anyone to instruct them on what to do. In their defence, they waited, but she never returned; therefore, what other choice did they have but to shrug it off and call it a day?
The rest of the afternoon, the pair tidied things up, put away the clean laundry, and tossed the newly dirtied sheets back into the bureau.
Neither was a saint when it came to domestic duties—they were simply terrible.
Once complete, Tao Hua waved Suo Han off before making it back to the Palace of Heavenly Purity; Shan Si's bedchamber, and at this point, Tao Hua's as well.
The evening passed routinely without Qian Jue, leaving Tao Hua stuck in a silence that kept his thoughts active.
Hunched forward, Tao Hua focused on a book he placed on a low table, slowly flipping through it.
In fact, it was slower than usual. He couldn't quite focus on the words, regardless of his efforts, even when he bent forward, nearly pressing his face into the book, there was just no shutting up his thoughts.
His mind was a mix of good and bad, and feelings he considered better buried. Alongside that itching feeling of wanting something, but unsure what—but it was surely agitating, like restless leg syndrome.
He wanted to feel bad for Fang Jian, and truly empathized with her situation having lived it himself, but each time he saw her face, and then Shan Si's, his thumb and index would nearly twist the corner of the page it held.
Fang Jin…Fang Jian, Tao Hua thought, his face twisted into a frown. Fang Jian…Fang Jin. Did he also name her?
Assuming so would render Qian Jue's profound explanation useless. Scratch that! It would have made all of her advice useless if Shan Si was closely acquainted with Fang Jina!
He didn't know which was worse.
With a shake of his head and a complicated expression, Tao Hua promptly flipped the page and tried to think of something else.
Anything else to end his torturous thoughts.
It ended with his face finally slammed into the book, little strays of hair sent askew.
This continued through Shan Si's return, leaving him dumbfounded upon return. As soon as he removed the frazzled downer from his book, dinner preparations were underway, and then before Tao Hua even realized it, the bowls had been served.
As was the typical evening, Shan Si habitually sat next to Tao Hua and tried to strike up a conversation about whatever under the moon that interested him, as if the earlier event hadn't happened.
Each attempt was either ignored by Tao Hua, or acknowledged with a quick "Mm."
Not purposely, though. Tao Hua was merely staring down at the display of untouched food, the look on his face easily revealing his current state of mind.
Two prevalent issues, both of which Shan Si couldn't easily let pass. He tilted his head to the side and nudged Tao Hua's cheek with his chopstick.
As Tao Hua glanced over, he saw an earnestly meek smile, gentle and worried, from Shan Si.
"You haven't touched your food," Shan Si said, pointing the chopsticks toward the full dishes. "Is it not to your liking? I've switched it up countless times already."
"Ah…" Tao Hua immediately straightened himself, leaning toward the table and grabbing his own pair of chopsticks. Despite his efforts to look fine, he was not an actor, nor should he ever apply to be one. "Sorry."
Unconvinced, Shan Si's smile dropped entirely. "Are you upset about earlier?"
Tao Hua froze before leaning forward, making himself small, and shoving some of the food into his mouth, all while rapidly shaking his head.
"So you are." Shan Si placed the chopsticks flat onto a bowl, before leaning to the side, propping his elbow against the low table, and fist to his cheek. "I've told you before, Tao Hua, it's court politics. If not me, then who?"
Tao Hua shook his head before swallowing. The food was enough to make his stomach churn.
"It's fine…"
"Is it?" Painfully smiling, Shan Si carefully replied, "I really don't enjoy seeing…to have you this way. All moping and sad, whatever."
His statement shocked not only himself but Tao Hua as well. His head turned to look at Shan Si for a good few moments before he promptly whipped it away stubbornly.
To hide his embarrassment, Tao Hua placed his hands between his legs, raised his shoulders, and dipped his head.
Why couldn't he just say what he wanted to? But what was there to say when he didn't even understand his own emotions?
Hi, I'm sad because you might have someone more important in your life?
It was pure nonsense.
Silently questioning himself, Shan Si blinked a few times before deciding not to think about it with a slight jolt to his head. While one hand kept him steady, the other tapped the ground near Tao Hua, all while he kept his eyes locked on Tao Hua, studying him.
"You know, Tao Hua," Shan Si began, reaching his hand over to Tao Hua's sleeve and lifting the edge up. Idly rubbing it between his fingers, he continued as soon as Tao Hua side-glanced him. "Fang Jin's a walking disaster, trust me on this. If I'm not hard on her, then who else? Do you understand how quickly she'll run off and end up getting herself into trouble? Blown up, likely. She's quite the adventurous girl…that Fang Jin."
Shan Si caught wind of Tao Hua's changing expression, noticing how it tightened at the mention of her name and sharpened near the end of his statement.
A realization was slowly starting to settle deep within Shan Si. Not only about Tao Hua, but himself too.
"Fang Jin…" Shan Si's brows lifted as Tao Hua clenched his hands into fists. Testing the waters, he measly said, "She's a pretty girl, don't you think?"
Tao Hua's entire body just slumped as if surrendering entirely, and for some god-forsaken reason, this embedded a knowing smile onto Shan Si's lips. He brought his hand to his forehead and stared down for a moment before breathlessly laughing.
Almost in complete disbelief, for whatever reason, signalled by the slight shake of his head.
"What…?" Tao Hua turned his head to look at Shan Si, who seemed to be mouthing something indistinguishable.
"Nothing, nothing," Shan answered contentedly, waving two fingers in the air. Letting out a pleased sigh, he hesitated before saying, "'Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.' I've been foolish then, and perhaps finally shedding that arrogance that deems me such a fool."
"I…" Tao Hua's brows indented. "Huh?"
"Don't worry about it." Artfully, he removed his hand from the blue sleeve, flattened it out on the ground, and leaned his body weight on it. Toward Tao Hua, his smile covertly twisted, almost mischievous.
"Um." Tao Hua leaned back slightly. "What are you doing?"
Head leaning toward his shoulders, Shan Si's lids lowered. "I'm curious. You seem so interested in Fang Jin. Why is that? Are you looking to court her by chance?"
"No! Not at all!" Tao Hua's eyes widened as he awkwardly fidgeted. "I…I don't know how any of that…stuff…works. Why would I be the one courting her?! She's your concubine!"
"So you want me to court her?"
"NO!" But Tao Hua sealed his lips shut.
Who was he to order Shan Si around?
Before he could look in complete shame, Shan Si lifted his hand and held it against his cheek, stopping it from turning. If Tao Hua tried the other side, Shan Si would do the same, and he was a lot more capable than Tao Hua.
Utterly confused, Tao Hua flashed him a pleading expression.
"Why do you keep bringing her up?" Tao Hua asked, his restlessness growing more and more the closer Shan Si leaned inward. Glancing down, Tao Hua's lower lip quivered slightly. "Did…did you give her that name?"
"Fang Jin?" asked Shan Si. As soon as Tao Hua nodded, he playfully answered, "Maybe. What if I did? According to your reaction from last I recall, you didn't quite like my choice in names. Now you care?"
"…"
"But to answer your question, I didn't grant Fang Jin her courtesy name. You're the only one."
Shan Si paused before looking down at his hands. "And you'll be the only one, too--"
However, to his complete shock, Shan Si's body nearly fell back, just a pair of arms coiled around his torso.
Eyes narrowed, and feeling the weight of another pushed against him, Shan Si glanced down to find Tao Hua had his face completely buried in Shan Si's.
And for once, the roles reversed at the near stop of his heart, skipping a beat. That was the moment every piece of the puzzle had finally assembled for Shan Si, regardless of Tao Hua's obliviousness.
Slowly, after reality smacked him in the face, Shan Si lifted his hands and returned the embrace, one against Tao Hua's hair, and the other on his back. He didn't once hesitate when moving, nor did he seem to object the action in the slightest.
"So sudden," he softly teased. "What's gotten into you this time? Surely it can't be about another woman, can it?"
At first, Tao Hua mumbled incoherent words, causing Shan Si to laugh slightly. Repeating himself, Tao Hua finally said, "Thank you."
"Oh? Not sorry this time? The Little Flower has bloomed."
But Tao Hua just tightened his grip. He was rather inept with these kinds of things, and still didn't understand why he did what he did, but whatever the issue, it solved that unwavering itch that had been plaguing him since the morning.
Rather than explain the overwhelming thoughts on being seen and having someone finally choose him, Tao Hua just hooked his fingers onto the black fabric of Shan Si's robe.
For the first time he had someone who saw him and only him in a light that was specifically chosen for him.
To express this, he shamelessly replied, "Whatever you need, I'll do it. If it's for your freedom, I'll devote myself."
"What's all this for?" Shan Si asked, bemused. "I can't say I don't enjoy it—"
"It's for the name. Thank you."
"Ah." Shan Si glanced up momentarily. "Hook, line, and sinker."
He laughed, fastening his hold on Tao Hua's head enough that he couldn't push back, even if he tried.
None of what Shan Si was saying even made sense to Tao Hua, nor did he understand the intentions. He was unfortunately still unaware.
But truthfully? It wasn't for Tao Hua, but to solidify the reality of his Shan Si's own emotions.
With a fulfilled sigh, he placed his chin against the crown of Tao Hua's head.
"All right. I'm all yours."
Chapter end.
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ILLUSTRATION
Extra sketch for fun.