"You can speak to Lord Shengkai when he returns. I doubt he'd want to find out that you've went out and got yourself hurt for his sake, Tao Gu."
"B-But…Siyue Town…he'll hate me. Please!"
Qian Jue paused for a moment before carefully easing Tao Hua back down to his seat.
"My daughter often had moments like this," she said, just as Tao Hua sat back down. Every word was gingerly said and handled with the utmost care. "To alleviate it, I'd brush out her hair. She treasured it more than disease-healing ointment, and it did wonders for her plaguing thoughts. Would you like me to do the same for you, Young Master?"
Tao Hua glanced over at one of the hands on his shoulder. Eventually, Tao Hua nodded, sending Qian Jue off to grab a boar-bristle brush, comb, and hand-mirror.
While Qian Jue promptly got to work, Tao Hua placed his hands over his lap and stared down at them.
'Loved…?' That's not the same as 'Loves.'
After a few moments of hesitation, Tao Hua asked, "Um, Elder Sister Jue, can I ask something personal?"
Her hands stopped mid comb, before starting again. "Of course, Young Master Tao."
"Where is she now?"
"My daughter was a sickly woman. Cursed at birth. Fated to die young," she said peacefully. "She lived a short life and died around your age."
Tao Hua's bottom lip quivered, and he gripped onto the fabric of his robe. "I'm…sorry."
"Time is a wonderful thing, Tao Gu." Gently laughing, Qian Jue hummed, "It doesn't erase what happened—history can not be rewritten so easily. But what it can do is make things easier. That's the thing about grief: it's only proof of love, and I've learned to cherish that rather than fear it. You needn't apologize."
Tao Hua struggled, however. For the last day he was mourning over someone still alive, unsure why, all while Qian Jue tended to his every tantrum and panic.
Only to find out she was a mother without her daughter. What did that make of Tao Hua? His face twisted, and a complicated, self-deprecating look crossed it.
Had the brushing not been as soothing as it felt, Tao Hua would have been sent into another tizzy.
So, he kept the conversation going before that could happen.
"Um…Feifei?"
"Yes. Feifei is her son," Qian Jue answered, without even a drop of sorrow in her voice. "Isn't it a wonderful thing that someone so ill-fated could fall in love? All in the proof of a child still standing? Falling in love isn't an easy thing, especially given her circumstances. He was quite the brave man for choosing that route."
Brave man…
For some reason, Tao Hua thought back to Wan Mie's statement the day before.
Keep that up and you'll drag him into misfortune.
But he was confused. Why was it the first thing he thought of? And why did something like that announce itself midst a tragic love story?
Squeezing his eyes shut, and then slowly opening them, Tao Hua chose to switch up his thoughts, redirecting them away from such confusion.
"I've never experienced that…but I think I get it."
"And how might that be?" Qian Jue asked, setting down the white replacement ribbon onto the desk.
"My grandfather. He was the only one who cared about me back in Siyue Town…" Tao Hua pressed his lips together, staring at the ribbon. "Don't tell Shan Si, please."
It was as if Shan Si hadn't already known Tao Hua's previous circumstances, and yet he couldn't quite understand that or move past his shame.
"You have my word, but I think you should trust in Lord Shengkai more."
Tao Hua paused. Her statement hit him in ways he couldn't understand. Was he not already putting his trust in him enough? What good would it be to reveal such a shameful past?
It wasn't worth the risk, and the cost felt far greater than the reward.
Ugh, it was too much.
"But that can be for later," Qian Jue reassured, now placing down the comb and gently running her nimble fingers through his hair, pulling back strands.
It was a shiveringly good feeling and quickly relieved Tao Hua of his doubts, somehow.
He had never experienced having a mother before, so if this was as close as he'd get, then Tao Hua couldn't help but think of Qian Jue's daughter's short lifespan as fortunate. To live twenty years surrounded with nothing but a mother's love and a caring husband willing to brave sickness?
Unheard of to someone like Tao Hua.
"It sounds like your grandfather was an extraordinary man. To forge kindness in the kiln of hatred, that is no easy task."
A faint pink painted Tao Hua's cheeks, and he smiled slightly. Though timidly, he tried to explain his grandfather to his best of his ability.
"Y-Yeah, he was amazing. He was a painter and drew most of my stories, even the childish ones. He never seemed annoyed by it, either."
"Then I would cherish those memories over the awful ones of that town."
He never thought of it in that manner. A guilt emerged, but he was capable of understanding that Qian Jue's words held truth.
So he nodded. Maybe that's how he should frame it to Shan Si?
Unsure what brought this up in him, Tao Hua side-glanced the ruffling hair and asked, "What happened to…her—your daughter's love? Husband?"
The past and present tenses were a strong indicator in this conversation, and Tao Hua was at least observant enough to recognize them. He wasn't sure if it was the right thing to ask, but Qian Jue's response eased that.
She was the same as always. Tao Hua admired that in her.
"Died in an unfortunate happening," she replied just as Tao Hua felt his scalp tighten. "Death is only natural to the human experience, and to be human is a universally rare existence. That is why to achieve immortality, it's essential to free oneself of such humanely attachments. I would never wish immortality on my worst enemy."
"What do you mean…?"
To many people within Zhonglai, immortality would have been a dream come true.
"Experiencing the ups and downs of life is what shapes us as individuals. Fear and love; anxiety and hopes. Why choose to abandon that for longevity? Wouldn't you want to love someone twenty years than watch countless people pass for thousands while standing on the outskirts?"
"Ah…I…think I'd like to love someone for twenty."
Qian Jue smiled. "Wise choice."
Tao Hua looked down at his hand while Qian Jue finished his hair. Flipping it from one side to the other, he examined the scars that covered them, all attained back at the Tao Esate.
Gradually, he was beginning to understand himself bit by bit and why he reacted the way he did. From getting close to someone, only for them to leave.
It was as if life was throwing him sharply curved reminders, only for it to smash him upside the head.
There really was still so much about himself he avoided getting to know back in Siyue Town.
Now that he'd escaped the chains of such a small town, nothing was preventing him from facing those truths. The only problem was trying to voice that desire to understand and seek help.
"There!" Qian Jue proudly exclaimed, enough to shock Tao Hua straight out of his stupor. Before he knew it, ahead of him was the golden-rimmed mirror, held by an aging hand.
"Much better, isn't it?" Qian Jue passed Tao Hua the mirror.
From one side to the other, he positioned the mirror, and slowly his smile returned. It was crooked, at best, but still sincere, and hinted with an attempt at holding back excitement.
See, it wasn't that she did anything special with his hair; it was still the same old pulled-back style he typically wore. However, what did change was the bow.
It was his old one, given to him by his grandfather and originally worn by his mother, but instead of being frayed, it had a newly restored appearance. Clean and embroidered with white flowers, similar to the robe gifted to him by Shan Si.
He wasn't sure what to say, but the appreciation was bubbling up quickly and vibrated through his entire body. Before he could muster out even a single word, the door swung open, causing him and Qian Jue to glance up at the wheezing individual.
"F-Fei…he…Consort…gone…cat. Oh my god."
Suo Han placed his hand on the door, bending forward. "T-The child is on the loose again!"
Every part of Qian Jue, from the soft and gentle demeanor to her motherly profoundness, evaporated at the slump of her body.
Suddenly she jumped into action as if thirty years younger, rushing to the door.
"That child!" Qian Jue shouted. On her way out, she patted Suo Han's chest without looking at him once and started down the hall. "How many times is he going to leave her with Consort Fang?!"
Tao Hua awkwardly sat there, while Suo Han watched Qian Jue run quicker than he ever could. He was frazzled, red in the face, with small strands of baby hairs poking out from his scalp.
"I…" He looked over at Tao Hua, who was still left in shock. "Should I go help her?"
Tao Hua just blinked before mindlessly nodding.
"Okay, I think I will, Young Master." Suo Han stared down at the ground, somewhat unsure, before he looked back up at Tao Hua. "Maybe stay here? Okay, I'll go chase after her. Bye."
And with that, Suo Han swiftly made his way out of the library, and after Qian Jue.
Tao Hua leaned back into his chair and stared up at the ceiling. Everything happened so quickly; he didn't even have time to process his conversation with Qian Jue.
Eventually, his body eased along with his emotions, though one long, strong exhale.
"Consort Fang must really hate me at this point," he whispered. "How many times has she had to deal with the child because of me? All week? Three, four?"
Which was true. If he hadn't been here, Qian Jue wouldn't have to spend time caring for him, and instead on her grandson.
Leaning his head toward his shoulder, his lips pursed slightly. The room had fallen into silence, with all the new information rattling his brain, and he wasn't quite sure where to begin.
So, he chose not to. Instead, he hovered his hand over the history books scattered on the desk before curling his fingers hesitantly. Then, he moved it toward the romance books Shan Si had recommended.
It took him a few minutes before he decided. Grabbing the romance book, he brought it to the daybed at the end of the room, crawled atop it, and opened it.
However, the door just wouldn't stop showering one surprise after another on the library.
Just as Tao Hua cozied himself against a few of the pillows, knees propped up, and book against them, another head stealthily peeked its head into the room.
The white eyes looked left and right before falling on Tao Hua, a wide and innocent smile curving the rosy lips upward.
Shoes clacking echoed through the room, and a creak sounded until click! It was shut.
When Tao Hua glanced up, he saw the back of a pink, green, and white robe, overflowing with wavy, light brown hair as long as the knee, and plum blossom ornaments adorning it.
Tao Hua brought the book up to his face, covering all but his eyes. Narrowing his eyes, he stared at the woman as she proudly let out a rough breath.
"Finally!" Fang Jian quietly exclaimed, in a light, whimsical tone of happy. "Lord Shan Si thinks he's smart. Well, I'm smarter!"
Chapter end.