The next day arrived slower than usual, leaving Tao Hua sat ahead of the new study with an open book and a complete mess of history texts, Daoism scriptures, and plenty of things Tao Hua couldn't understand.
And it wasn't like he was putting the effort into trying, despite wanting Shan Si to return to something labelled with his hard work.
Fingers pressed into the book, Tao Hua bent toward the desk, his face pinching. No matter how many times he read over the same paragraph, nothing seemed to distract him from his ruminating thoughts, all hooked on the embarrassment of his reaction to the day prior.
Sleep was a magnificent thing, despite Tao Hua barely getting much of it last night.
After Shan Si had left, his mind spiraled to the point it felt the world was doused in blurry colours of sepia. One moment he was hyperventilating, and the next he was sat down with one person concerned, and the other efficiently managing the situation.
Suo Han and Qian Jue. Had they not arrived…well, Tao Hua wasn't sure what would have happened. He wasn't even sure how he got from point A to point B.
Fortunately, both servants stayed with Tao Hua until nightfall, when Qian Jue sent Suo Han out to manage other tasks. It was a rule that those within the vicinity of the Palace of Heavenly Purity mustn't overstay their welcome unless assigned to the palace.
Normally, Tao Hua could only handle Suo Han in doses and usually appreciated the quiet after his departure, but now? He wasn't so sure.
Having Suo Han's consistent babbling was a welcome distraction, and since Shan Si had ordered them not to pry into the situation, the discussions were often purehearted and sincere.
Therefore, in order to distract himself, Tao Hua stayed up late looking over the books given to him based on Shan Si's request, all relating to their topic of research.
It helped, and given this room was new, sleeping in it wasn't nearly as difficult as sleeping in rooms shared by another.
As soon as he was awoken for "chores" the next day, bleary eyed and exhausted, Tao Hua was sent back to the palace early due to his incompetence with Qian Jue to follow.
Now, it was expected for both Tao Hua and Suo Han to mess up a thing or two during their shift—Suo Han more than Tao Hua—but Tao Hua had cranked that up tenfold.
Terribly piled-up clothes that toppled over into dirt, burnt food, broom bristles dripping in melted snow, es cetera, es cetera, es cetera.
Tao Hua was the worst possible example of wifely elegance, and that was shown in the expression of all those gathering to witness the ineptitude.
Tapping the page with his index finger a few times, Tao Hua looked over at Qian Jue, who was standing still next to the desk, ready at a moment's notice should Tao Hua need her.
One hand over the other, pressed against the front of her skirt, and her lashes fallen; Qian Jue was the most pristine image of perfection. Like an angel, asleep while standing—that's how exact this maidservant was amongst servants alike.
Tao Hua's head tilted away, his eyes shifting back to the text, and his shoulders slumped along with the sluggish motions. He let out a sigh just as his lids fell halfway.
I've been fine for the last twenty years on my own, he thought. Why now?
None of it made any sense to him; his reaction nor his fears. Since staying with Shan Si in his palace, it felt as though some parts of his anxiety were cured.
And it wasn't like he hadn't dealt with loss before, so it made the situation all the more peculiar and difficult to understand, let alone manage.
When Grandpa passed, I cried…but shouldn't that be expected for a loved one? He raised me after all…
He let out a small sound of frustration, his eyebrows pinching.
But Shan Si isn't a loved one… Tao Hua paused., questioning himself. Is he? Can we call each other loved ones—do friends do that? Or does he even see me as a friend and not a colleague?
Pressing a hand to his forehead, Tao Hua rubbed his thumb along the temple.
Do friends sleep with each other and hug? I…I don't know. I have no experience to work off of—I could read about it, but the last time that happened…
Tao Hua shook his head, sharply staring down at the text. No! I told myself I wouldn't think about him! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!
A reference to his father—a plague for the last week. Given his only solace was gone, managing the trauma behind it was nearly impossible and better to compartmentalize.
However, since meeting Shan Si and arriving at Chuhen Palace, Tao Hua was beginning to realize that every coping mechanism he'd built in Siyue Town was crumbling under his feet.
Elbows propped on the table, and both hands against his face, Tao Hua failed at managing his breathing.
Only seven days…he said no more than seven days. But Tao Hua froze, his eyes springing open to the point blinking was practically a foreign concept. But what about healing?! Isn't he supposed to heal after—usually seven days? Last time it only took three…when we returned from Siyue Town.
And thus, the spiral once again started. It crept in with the erratic breaths, and begged Tao Hua to escape to god knows where.
Siyue Town…Siyue Town… His mind travelled between many different ideas, all crashing into each other. I wonder how everyone is doing back at home. The servants, Gui Chang…they're probably fine, maybe better off without me. Would Shan Si be going back there, maybe…he could tell me.
But his breath hitched, and the fingers on his face indented the skin.
What if they realize who he is and convince him of how awful I am? That I'm useless, an invalid, no good. Will they tell him? Will he be disgusted with me?
Removing his hands from his face, Tao Hua slammed his hands onto the desk and shot up to his feet.
"I-I need to go find him!" Tao Hua blurted out, only to find Qian Jue staring at him with complete concern.
Reality hadn't yet settled, and the horror on his face could have caused any normal person to pity him.
Qian Jue wasn't that way. Instead, she frowned and made her way to Tao Hua, placing her hands gently against his shoulders.
Chapter end.