I was never sleep-deprived. As soon as I lay on the bed, I was welcomed to my dreamy land, and not even a day did I toss on my bed after midnight. Heated conversations that took place a few hours ago were still lingering, and I digested every word bit by bit. The slap was severe, and it may require an eternity to eliminate the unseen mark on my face.
I was only a tiny part of Ralph's life. I stalked for years; we were friends for a few days and dated for a few months. When I used to stalk Ralph, I never saw his miserable side, not even a day. I always would get a glimpse of his perfect outside texture, as he was bloody good at hiding everything. I could have brought changes in his life that feel so good to hear; I could have if I had stuck with him, but no assured result. I was only a tiny part of his life, but my existence mattered, and there was no guarantee of what the future held for us.
I never witnessed any relationship this complicated; there would be only two things: yes or no, never maybe. Who in their right mind would jeopardize their bloody heart? Not me; I wanted to shout those words at the top of my lungs when the reality was the total opposite. It's not in my nature to risk anything, especially related to my heart, and I was bloody content in running away, but here I am tossing on the bed with anger when I was not entirely responsible and at the same time feeling I was responsible for the whole damn situation.
It's not bloody fair; a relationship should never be this complicated, and it should always revolve around yes or no, not bloody maybe. I should promise myself once I get out of this entire situation I will only think from the bottom, never above that, and complicate things.
I couldn't take it anymore; by throwing the blanket aside, I walked out of the room. I paused in front of Ralph's room; immediately, my hands were on the doorknob. What if he was sleeping? It would be creepy, but curiosity caught the cat, and I turned the knob and peeked my head. Ralph was wide awake and met my eyes only for a split second, and with the same speed, he averted. I sighed. I couldn't stop myself, could I, from getting into any shitty situation if it was him?
I took a step when I heard word get out as if it would stop me, please and I was beside him in no time. He didn't spare a second glance at me; immediately he turned his back toward me. I can go through any complication, but not this one. Common, stop treating me as a bad guy. I want my life to be like clean white paper with peace, and I work for it. Maybe it's not thoughtful sometimes, but I can't help myself. I hate to take risks, especially with my heart, as the reward would be long-time agony.
I lay beside him, facing the ceiling. All the hard thunders I was feeling took a bolt toward the window by not sparing me a second glance. I felt in place and at peace, my carved sanctuary, which could only be blessed by the person beside me.
This is not fair once again. I sighed. Nothing seems unfair when I am with Ralph, and when I think about our life together, potential risks try to knock on the window, but I shut them for the day. I turned toward Ralph, whose back was still facing me, and I swallowed a grunt that tried desperately to come out. I scooped closer to him and grabbed him by the waist against me tightly. He didn't protest when I was determined this way; he just gave in. I kissed him on his hair and uttered a word sleep; that's all I said before drifting to my slumber.
In the following days, I started checking on Ralph before going to bed. If he had slept, then I never would disturbed him; if he was wide awake, I would have joined him just to cuddle him. It was content this way, and my dick didn't protest either; it was strange. Everything feels good when I am with Ralph, but at the same time fear the future. I can't help it; I don't want a single dot on my white paper, which was my life when that bastard Asher was going to be a big black dot.
It was the day of Ralph's session, so there was tension in the car. From the morning, he was quiet with occasional glares. We were in front of the doctor's room, and Ralph was taking his sweet time to enter. I get his wariness once again; he had to witness his memories, and most of them are dreadful, but he had to go through these sessions and seek this out and mentally prepare for everything. He needs to be prepared for the future rather than giving up. He has to learn to get over things rather than clinging. Oh god, I am doing so much in a sphere; I wish that he was going to take care of my heart in the future.
It's been two hours. Ralph barged out of the room with a neutral face. I immediately stood up from the chair and spoke. "How was it?" "Same old shit; nothing is going to work. I am fucking done." He has to be kidding. "It's been one session." By facing me. "And same old shit, nothing new, which I loathe every bit of it." Right, like he has any other choice other than this. "You have attended only one session, so let's wait patiently for the result." "Fuck off." By saying that he stormed toward the car, and I groaned in return. He was going to be really pain in the coming days.
My schedule was crashing with his session timings. I tried to prepone or postpone the thing I needed to do, but I never ditched accompanying in only fear he would skip the session. My presence was inevitable in the overseas project. I made my assistant take my place and try to seek out most of the things through video calls. Strangely, irrespective of everything I never stressed out at the workplace I managed with ease but that was not the case when I was accompanying Ralph to his session. In every session, I pray to God without missing a day and hold my breath till he comes out from the session.
Ralph was okay until five sessions; things started to take turns from then on. In the beginning, he was reluctant to attend the session; after that, he was ok, but it started to take a toll because the sessions went in-depth. Angry behavior turned into gloom and silence, and a few other times he would be too numb to react to anything.
He started doing things robotically, with no enthusiasm for anything, just doing necessary things or else keeping to himself most of the time. I tried to speak, but it was in vain; he wouldn't utter a word or open up. Most of the time he would be staring at nothing in particular, which started to scare me. I really hope these sessions will give the bloody result, but the way Ralph is reacting, I am worried like hell.
I was on the same chair praying this session would turn out to be better for him, but it was not answered when the door was opened. Ralph came out; he looked miserable. I try to hold everything in me from lashing out at the doctor who is fucking my friend. Ralph started walking without sparing a glance toward me, and I ran behind him to keep up with his speed.
We were silent in the car, as usual, but this silence was like he was drifting more and more not only from me but from everything. He was losing interest in the things he liked the most, and I was too afraid to do anything. I am not getting what to do to drag him out of everything that he was going through in those four walls. I fucking hate it, but I can't let him drop the sessions in between. I know I will get the result—not what I wanted, but at least in his best interest would suffice.
I parked the car at the underground, and Ralph started walking toward the apartment. It was the weekend, and I was babysitting, which I love, by the way, but I hated it when Ralph was in this state. Is this how therapy works? I really hope so for the sake of my friend, or else I will taint his profession by using every means.
When I entered, Ralph was nowhere; as usual, he was locked up in his damn room. I groaned, not today too. It's been days since I have not slept in my own room, which I am not complaining about again; I hate the whole situation. Ralph's gloomy behavior started affecting me, and I was not getting on whom to release the amount of stress that I was withholding.
It was almost lunch time after getting freshened up I started cooking. I improved my cooking skills more and more just to get to his heart through my cooking skills, but at present nothing has any effect on him. Ralph entered the hall I was surprised when I saw it and was on the couch with a remote. When he started changing the channels, I was smiling. It was days that I showed no emotions; every battle was inner. I didn't vent out at least in an emotional way like him. I don't mind baby steps; if he takes forever, I don't mind, but I want him to be happy, like really happy.
After I was done arranging the dining table, I called Ralph but there was no response once again I tried still it was still the same. By wandering, I made my way to the couch. Ralph was still in the same position; the TV was on, but he was not watching but just staring.
I didn't sign up for this.
I sat beside him, and he didn't acknowledge my presence. What the hell do I need to do just to reboot everything in his life? I fucking hate how things were going and especially his damn gloomy face. Why can't he just rip off those awful memories and move on? It's not that hard; just block the person for the rest of your life, as that bastard was hard to erase from Ralph's life.
My face turned into a scowl when he didn't feel my presence even after 10 minutes. I sighed and leaned back, completely relaxing, and I wrapped my arm around his waist and yanked him onto my lap. He was startled but settled on my lap. My gaze was on his face, studying every feature like the first time, and my hands started roaming on his delicate face. He didn't look this pale when he was discharged from the hospital; now a few things were shrinking. His smile was long gone, his eyes lost their charm black bags visible under his eyes, and the clear shining chins were replaced by a beard that he forgot to trim.
My hand started making its way toward his neckline when his breathing started to get heavy. I heaved a sigh of relief when I saw that something had not changed my effect on him.
Ralph leaned toward me and whispered. "I want to forget everything for a day." That was the clue to grab the opportunity and, if possible, be inside him forever. I chuckled at that thought. "Proper phrase, please." I closed the remaining gap between us so that he could feel his effect on me, and when he felt it, he shuddered.
I was proud of my effect on him as the result his eyes turning lustful, and he inched closer to my face and spoke. "Fuck me till I block out." I inhaled my breath to control from taking him on the couch. It's been years and I needed to taste every inch of him to souvenir it as much as possible and consume his scent to restore my memory. He was going to regret provoking a hungry animal that waited patiently for his prey to give in.
I made my way to the room by carrying Ralph, who looked vulnerable as the seconds passed. We didn't break eye contact; with each step, his breathing was becoming heavy. I placed him on the bed without wasting any second taking place, which was on top of him. "At your service, your majesty." He chuckled, which I didn't let him complete as I sealed my mouth on his.