Chapter 32: ART OF THROWING (GARBAGE TEAMMATE) 🗣️🔥🔥🔥
BEAST TIDE ALERT🚨🚨🚨 ASSEMBLE EVERYONE
Fang Yuan materialized at the village gates like a glitch in the matrix, his eyes sporting the thousand-yard stare of someone who'd just no-lifed cultivation for five days straight. The snow crunched underfoot as squads of Gu Masters zoomed past like NPCs during a limited-time event:
"BEAST TIDE ALERT! LIMITED-TIME MOB FARMING EVENT!"
"NEW PLAYERS STAY IN SAFE ZONE OR GET ONE-SHOT BY STRAY AOE!"
"PROTIP: IF YOU DIE YOUR INVENTORY GETS LOOTED BY YOUR OWN AUNTIE!"
Fang Yuan's 500-year-old rizz buffered like a dial-up connection trying to load patch notes. Wait...was this in the original storyline? The realization hit him like a poorly balanced gacha pull - either his memory was corrupted from rebirth, or his very existence had butterfly-effected the timeline into this chaotic alternate route.
ENTER CHI CHENG (THE WALKING L BOZO) 🧍♂️💀
At the north gate, Chi Cheng materialized like an unskippable cutscene, his new Rank 2 Red Belt™ glowing with the artificial prestige of a whale's credit card. The way he puffed out his chest you'd think he'd soloed the raid himself instead of getting carried by Grandpa's wallet.
"LMAOOOO FANG YUAN? BRO YOUR SQUAD LEFT YOU LIKE AN UNFINISHED SIDE QUEST!" Chi Cheng's voice cracked with the energy of a prepubescent raid leader. "WHAT'S WRONG? COULDN'T HANDLE THE DPS CHECK?"
Fang Yuan blinked slowly, his expression the human equivalent of the 😑 emoji. "They lacked the skill to keep up with my parse."
Chi Cheng's smirk faltered as Fang Yuan's aura suddenly SPIKED like a broken damage meter. The realization dawned on him like a bad pull rate: THIS MF HIT RANK 2 GRINDING SOLO???!??
SQUAD ASSEMBLE 🚨
Chi Shan's squad moved through the forest with the precision of a speedrun team:
🐍 SCOUT: Snake Tongue Dude's forked tongue flickered like a broken hitbox detector, tasting the air for mob aggro ranges. (Pros: Detects heat signatures. Cons: Useless against cold-blooded haters.)
💪 TANK: Chi Shan himself, built like the final boss of a Soulslike with those Golden Fist™ passive buffs glowing under his skin. His mere presence screamed "I solo tanked the last expansion's world boss."
🕸️ DPS: The blue-haired girl and grandpa combo, spitting CUM WEB (Cotton-like Ultra-adhesive Material) that would make Spider-Man jealous. The webs expanded mid-air with the nasty schlorp sound of a loot drop hitting water.
Fang Yuan got assigned the "Noob Babysitter" role - essentially a glorified backpack with legs. Ah yes, the escort mission nobody wanted but everyone gets stuck with.
AVOIDED MOBS:
🦌 Wild Deer: "EZ skip. White-tier loot. Not worth the time."
🐒 Turtleback Apes: "Annoying CC mechanics. Their hitboxes are jank as hell."
🐅 White Tiger: Got one-tapped by Chi Shan's Golden Fist™. The crit sound effect echoed through the forest like a pay-to-win flex.
Fang Yuan mentally noted: Need better detection Gu. Snake Tongue Gu's range is more limited than a F2P player's inventory.
BOSS FIGHT: WILD BOAR KING 🎮 🎮 🎮
The scene they stumbled upon was more chaotic than a dungeon pug:
Jiao San's squad was getting blitzed by the Wild Boar King - a raid boss with:
TUSKS: One-shot mechanics that would make any healer quit
HP POOL: Thicker than a whale's wallet
AGGRO TABLE: Hard-focused on Jiao San's Red Lava Python (his only legendary drop)
The python's health bar flickered dangerously low, its rock armor cracking like a bad gacha pull animation. Jiao San himself was sweating harder than a tryhard in ranked, his face the picture of "I didn't read the boss mechanics."
Chi Shan's squad rolled up like the overpowered NPCs they were.
"WE DON'T NEED BACKUP!" Jiao San screeched, the desperation in his voice betraying his words. (Translation: "DON'T STEAL MY LOOT YOU BASTARDS!")
Grandpa NPC cackled like a veteran watching noobs wipe. "LOL. Your 'epic' pet's at 1 HP. COPE."
With the casual flex of someone who'd done this a thousand times, Chi Shan dropped a CUM WEB on the boar (applying the "Stuck Pig" debuff) before strolling away like the chad he was.
Jiao San, now realizing Fang Yuan was present, suddenly developed Main Character Syndrome™: "FANG YUAN! MY LONG LOST BROTHER! QUICK, TANK THE BOAR LIKE THE EXPENDABLE MEAT SHIELD YOU ARE!"
Fang Yuan's smile didn't reach his eyes. "Of course, bestie."
What happened next could only be described as a calculated oopsie:
Fang Yuan "accidentally" clipped through the boar's hitbox
His grip "mysteriously" failed during the grapple check
The Wild Boar King suddenly gained Enrage Mode buff
"REEEEEEE—" The boar's squeal pierced the night as its tusks arced through the air with the grace of a broken hitbox.
The female Gu Master had exactly 0.2 seconds to process her impending doom before—
CRITICAL HIT! FATALITY!
Her body went full 💀✌️ ragdoll physics, limbs flailing like a Bethesda glitch before impacting a tree with the wet thud of a loot bag dropping.
YOU SUCK FANG YUAN
The battlefield looked like a glitched-out RPG boss fight. The female Gu Master's corpse ragdolled through three trees before getting stuck in a T-pose midair, her spine performing the legendary 360° no-scope twist that would make any Dark Souls player proud. Blood particles rendered at 4K/144fps splattered across the snow like a Call of Duty killcam.
Twitch Chat Goes Nuclear:
❌NO DIFF LMAOOOO
🐗 BOAR TOO OP PLS NERF
💀 JUST UNINSTALL NOOB
🤡 ACTUAL NPC TEAMMATES
🍿 POPCORN READY FOR THIS TRAINWRECK
Fang Yuan executed a perfect "accidental" tree branch clip, his fall animation jankier than a Skyrim horse climbing Mount Everest. The Jade Skin Gu's damage reduction passive barely concealed his Sigma Male Grindset™ aura as he landed with the grace of a caffeinated sloth.
Jiao San (malding at 300dB):
"FANG YUAN YOU PROMISED YOU COULD TANK! WHAT KIND OF ROOKIE-ASS PLAY WAS THAT?? MY GRANDMA COULD DODGE BETTER AND SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 20 YEARS!"
Fang Yuan (limping with the precision of a Dark Souls fake weakness play while secretly speedrunning the villain arc):
"My bad fam, the boar's tusk hitbox is straight up broken. Devs need to patch this shit."
[Internal monologue: "LOL get rekt skill issue"]
THE "HELPFUL" SABOTAGE ARC 🎭
The battlefield became a next-level clown fiesta:
Wild Boar King entered ultra instinct mode (5% HP but hitting like a Final Fantasy superboss)
Red Lava Python's textures glitching out (rock armor cracking like a Nintendo 64 game)
Jiao San's rage meter filling faster than a League player's chat restrictions
Kong Jing (panicking like a noob who aggroed the entire dungeon):
"FANG YUAN GRAB THE OTHER END OF THE KNIFE SCALE WEB BEFORE WE ALL DIE!"
Fang Yuan activated his signature move - the "Plausible Deniability Limp":
"Can't walk bro - my movement keys are bugged. Must be server lag. Also I think my GPU is dying."
Kong Jing (forced to solo tank like a masochist):
"FINE I'LL DO IT MYSELF YOU USELESS-"
[Throws web with the precision of a blindfolded archer. Boar gets "Bleed" status effect. Combat log shows 69 DPS ticking in comic sans font.]
Fang Yuan (channeling his inner griefer):
"Let me help! :)"
[Yeets Moonblades with the precision of an Aimbot using a dance pad. CRITICAL HIT! Web snaps like a Twitch streamer's last nerve.]
Party Chat Erupts:
💢 REPORT FANG YUAN FOR GRIEFING
💢 INTING TROLL
💢 ACTUAL NPC PLAYER
🍗 FREE CHICKEN DINNER FOR WHOEVER KILLS HIM
Fang Yuan (with anime protagonist innocence):
"Oops... my ability queue got messed up. Must be that new patch desync. :("
TOXIC CARRY MODE ACTIVATED ☢️
Jiao San crashes out:
📢 "FANG YUAN YOU ABSOLUTE WALKING L 🚮🚮🚮 HOW DO YOU FAIL THE SIMPLEST MECHANIC?? MY DOG COULD TANK BETTER AND HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 3 YEARS 💀💀💀 YOU'RE THE REASON WHY WE NEED A VOTE KICK SYSTEM 🗳️🚫 YOU'RE OUT HERE PLAYING LIKE A BOT WHO GOT HIS ACCOUNT FROM WISH.COM 🛒🤖 YOUR DPS IS LOWER THAN MY GRANDMA'S BLOOD PRESSURE 📉💉 AND SHE'S IN A COMA 😴⚰️ UNINSTALL THE GAME AND THROW YOUR PC IN THE OCEAN 🌊🖥️ YOU'RE A WALKING SKILL ISSUE EMBODIED 🚶♂️❌"
Jiao San popped his ultimate like a desperate streamer hitting the donation goal "Yellow Poison Cloud" (AOE DoT, 99% opacity, lasts until the raid wipes, makes everything look like a bad Instagram filter)
Fang Yuan turned to the surviving female Gu Master with the rizz of a dating sim protagonist:
"Heal pls. My HP bar is looking more sus than a Among Us impostor."
Female Gu Master (seething with the rage of 1000 Karens):
"MY SISTER JUST GOT ONE-SHOT AND YOU WANT A HEAL?? GO JUMP IN THE LAVA PYTHON'S HITBOX YOU WORTHLESS-"
Fang Yuan (internally running calculations like a Wall Street quant):
Option 1: Wipe squad now - high risk of clan banhammer
Option 2: Let wolves handle it - big brain play
Option 3: Pretend to be AFK and let natural selection do its thing
WOLF PACK EXFIL STRAT 🐺⚡
System Alert:
⚠️ LIGHTNING WOLF PACK HAS SPAWNED ⚠️
"The floor is wolves" event has begun!
Jiao San immediately went full "Leeroy Jenkins":
"ABORT MISSION!! ABORT!! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"
[Sprints away with the panic of a noob who accidentally queued for Mythic+]
Fang Yuan executed his 200IQ galaxy brain play:
/sleep the female Gu Master ("Sorry bestie, need a meat shield")
/hide inside boar's stomach ("Best hiding spot since Metal Gear Solid")
/listen to wolves munching ("ASMR: Carnivore Edition")
"RESCUE" (SUS EDITION) 🚑💉
Clan reinforcements arrive fashionably late like DLC content. Fang Yuan emerges from the boar's stomach looking fresher than a Battle Pass skin, covered in blood (but 0 damage taken because Sigma Male Grindset™).
Healing Gu Master (seething):
"YOU LET HER DIE?? YOU COWARD! YOU DISGRACE! YOU-"
Fang Yuan (dropping facts like a Wikipedia edit war):
"She contested my hiding spot. I won. Git gud. Also, skill issue."
[Executes perfect teabag on the healer's dignity]
JIAO SAN'S "DEATH" (AMONG US EDITION) ☠️
Fang Yuan finds Jiao San's "corpse" - finger twitching like a disconnected player about to lose ranked points.
Fang Yuan (smooth criminal mode engaged):
/equip blood-soaked shirt ("Fashion Souls best souls")
/emote mourn ("For the fallen...")
/action suffocate ("Oops, 'accidental' face cover")
Clan Healer (sus):
"My condolences... Wait why is his face blue-"
Fang Yuan (maintaining perfect poker face):
"Must be the new Nvidia filters. Also, skill diff."