I walk into the cafeteria.
People are staring, whispering.
I feel it when I walk into the cafeteria, the way conversations drop to hushed murmurs as I pass.
I am not even surprised, I knew things would be bad after what happened yesterday.
Sarina is sitting at the far end of the cafeteria, with Lucas. She doesn't even glance at me, I guess it's the best for the both of us. Nostalgia hits me hard in moments like this, she always used to save me a seat, with a jubilant smile on her face that was filling to see.
She would call me over, saying " Julia, come here, I saved you a spot!" And would pat the seat next to her, signaling me to sit down. I guess it won't be like that anymore.
I swallow hard, and head towards Sabrina instead. She looks up as I approach, her expression unreadable.
" Hey" I say, as I put down my lunch tray, " hey" she answers back badly.
I don't ask her more, just eat. That one answer, already tells me a lot about what she probably thinks of me now.
I just lean my head to the side, a hand cupping one side of my cheek. I'm lost deep in thought, as I play with my food.
" You okay?" Sabrina asks quietly. I glance up, snapping back into reality. How could I be okay?
I don't say it aloud, instead I just nod. " Yeah" I answer, I guess my voice came out blander than I thought I would.
I turn my focus back on my food, and she seems to do the same, I honestly feel bad. Sabrina shouldn't have to experience the pain on behalf of us both too. But in all honesty, what will I talk to her about?
To pick sides? Who is in the wrong? Those are the only talking conversations embedded in my mind, it's best if I keep my mouth shut, it's awkward enough already.
All I'm thinking about now is to not look at Sarina, I don't want to. Because if I do, I'll see just how much I broke things. And I don't know how to fix it. Everything I do always makes everything worse than before…
I rub my temples, overwhelmed with my thoughts. It's like I'm trapped inside an oblivion, I don't feel the same anymore.
I got to date Roman, something I had dreamed upon since middle school, and I got him. But I lost my friends in the way as well, something I would have never even had an, what if? About.
I gained and lost, but I feel I have gotten scammed on my wishes. I was given something I wanted, in exchange for giving something I needed.
What a loss.