Ryu hauled ass through the Glitchmire Swamp, the second Patch Shard scorching his pocket like a pissed-off coal. The swamp air was thick—wet, rancid, like Satan's armpit after a burrito binge. Lira splashed behind, cradling her Waffle Iron of the Grid like it was her goddamn soulmate. Gorv whimpered, axe dragging through the muck, and Pip plucked his half-dead lute, each twang a knife to Ryu's sanity. Gator roars mixed with clanking armor—goons and something uglier were closing in fast.
"Move, fuckwits!" Ryu barked, dodging a tree that glitched into a cactus mid-step. The system flickered: [Threat Detected: Multi-Armed Asshole (Level ??). Hint: Run, dipshit.]
Snarkfang pulsed, runes flaring. "Oh, goody—a kraken, probably. You're so fucked, shitlord, I might actually enjoy this."
"Fuck you too," Ryu snapped, swatting a fly that glitched into a tiny boombox blasting polka—Pip's fault, no doubt. "Any bright ideas?"
"Stab it 'til it cries. Or drown. Your funeral, asshole."
The swamp exploded. Tentacles—eight, ten, fuck if Ryu could count—burst from the muck, slimy, pixelated, tipped with claws and… blenders? A massive head followed, squid-like, with eyes like busted CRT screens and a beak snapping like a guillotine. [Enemy: Kraken of the Blend (Level 20). Weakness: Hell if we know.]
"Blender-Gator's mom?" Ryu groaned. "This swamp's a goddamn appliance store!"
Lira grinned, sparking the waffle iron. "I'll fry it!" She chucked a glowing waffle—it flopped into the Kraken's beak, sizzling. The beast spat it out, tentacle swatting Lira into the muck. [Damage: 5. Effect: Kraken's annoyed, Lira's wet.]
Snarkfang cackled. "Brilliant, klepto—feed it snacks while it eats us. Genius!"
Gorv whimpered, "No red, no red…" He swung his axe—glitched, firing a laser that sliced a tentacle clean off. It flopped, blending the swamp into a frothy mess. [Damage: 30. Bug Escalation: Tentacle Tempest.] The Kraken roared, more arms sprouting—twelve now, one with a goddamn toaster fused to it. It chucked toast at Gorv, who saw the red jam and screamed, "BLOOD!" before fainting face-first into slime. [Party Debuff: Gorv's toast.]
Pip, the eternal fuck-up, strummed his lute. "A sea shanty, mates!" The polka screeched, and the Kraken grew—tentacles doubling, blenders whirring faster. [Buff Applied: Kraken -> Mega Blend Bastard (Level 22). Pip, you fucking plague.]
"PIP, YOU DICKHEAD!" Ryu roared, dodging a blender-tacle that shredded a tree into sawdust. "Stop making it worse!"
"It's my art, cap'n!" Pip ducked a toast salvo, slipping on slime.
Ryu swung Snarkfang—Bug Bomb triggered. A glitchy orb lobbed out, landing in the Kraken's beak. It beeped, then blew—into a swarm of pixelated piranhas. They chomped the Kraken's face, tearing off chunks. [Bug Bomb Effect: Piranha Party. Damage: 40, Chaos +100.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "You're a walking shitshow, fuckface—I'm proud!"
"Shut it!" Ryu slashed—Stink Slash hit, a fart cloud so nasty the Kraken's eyes glitched out, screens flashing 404 errors. [Damage: 35. Status: Kraken's blind as fuck.]
The goons burst in—five assholes in armor, led by a lieutenant with a mace and a sneer. "Glitch Knight! You're—" A tentacle grabbed him, blending his ass into soup. [Enemy Down: +25 EXP.] The others froze, then bolted—except one, who got toasted mid-run. [Collateral: +10 EXP.]
"Nice assist, squid-fuck!" Ryu yelled, dodging a claw swipe.
Lira scrambled up, chucking the Squeaky Bitch. It squeaked, glitching into a rubber kraken that flailed at the real one. [Bug Triggered: Mini-Kraken Mayhem.] The Mega Blend Bastard roared, slapping its clone—and Ryu—with a blender-tacle. He flew, crashing into Pip. [Damage: -25 HP. HP: 45/80.]
Snarkfang snorted. "Smooth, dipshit—wanna cuddle the bard next?"
Gorv woke, saw the tentacle gore, and bellowed, "NO RED!" He hurled his axe—it glitched, splitting into laser shards that peppered the Kraken's beak. [Critical Glitch! +90 EXP.] The beast thrashed, spitting acid slime. Ryu rolled, but it hit Pip, who glowed and started breakdancing again. [Party Buff: Pip's Raving 2: Swamp Boogaloo.]
Ryu grit his teeth. "End this fucker!" He triggered Glitch Grenade—the orb sailed, exploding into a microwave that zapped the Kraken. Tentacles fritzed, blenders sparking. [Damage: 50. Effect: Kraken's cooked.] He charged, slashing—the blade glitched, rocketing him into the beak for a gut-stab. The Kraken screeched, imploding in a shower of slime and code. [MegaBlendBastard.exe terminated. +200 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 6. New Skill: Chaos Call (Summons random glitchy bullshit).]
Ryu landed in the muck, soaked and pissed. Lira fished her iron from the slime, Gorv sobbed over his axe, and Pip moonwalked, dripping acid. The goons' corpses bobbed nearby, one clutching a map. Ryu snatched it: [Loot: Goon Map. Note: Shard 3's close, asshole.]
Snarkfang snorted. "You smell like kraken shit, fucklord. Nice win—barely."
"Fuck off," Ryu muttered, wringing slime from his hair.
The swamp quaked—something roared, deeper in. Ryu glared at his crew. "Move, fuckwits—next one's on you if you suck again."
Lira grinned. "Still worth it."