Ryu trudged across the Glitchsand Wastes, sand grinding in his ass-crack like nature's glitter revenge. The third Patch Shard glowed in his pocket, synced with the first two, hot enough to make his balls feel like they were auditioning for a BBQ. The Goon Scribble flapped in his hand—west, it said, toward a canyon scratched into the horizon like Valdris's middle finger. Lira skipped beside him, polishing her Waffle Iron of the Grid with a dead goon's sock. Gorv whimpered, axe dragging through the dunes, and Pip twirled his charred lute stick, humming a polka that sounded like a donkey getting curb-stomped.
The desert faded into a chasm—walls jagged, glitching between rock and neon pink, with a river of pixelated sludge at the bottom. The system flickered: [Location Discovered: Glitchrift Canyon. Warning: Deep, dumb, and full of fucks—don't fall, dipshit.]
Snarkfang pulsed, runes smirking like a smug bastard. "A canyon? Perfect for your dumb ass to yeet itself off, shitlord. I'd clap."
"Fuck you," Ryu snapped, kicking a pebble that glitched into a flaming tampon and rolled away. "You're having way too much fun."
"Damn right, fuckface—your pain's my porn. Stab something deep and let's dive."
The wind howled, carrying goon shouts—those assholes were still on their tail, probably hauling extra crossbows after the worm blender-fuck. But then the canyon shook, and a shadow loomed from the sludge river. A beast rose—half-scorpion, half-tank, claws dripping code, tail tipped with a chainsaw that revved like a redneck's wet dream. [Enemy: Chainskorp (Level 32). Weakness: Maybe a timeout? Good fucking luck.]
Ryu gripped Snarkfang. "Another blender reject. Alright, fuckwits—don't fuck this up more than usual."
Lira sparked the waffle iron. "I'll toast it!" She lobbed a waffle—it hit the Chainskorp's claw, sizzling into ash. The beast screeched, chainsaw tail slashing—Lira dove, but it nicked her iron, sparking. [Damage: 5 to iron pride. Effect: Lira's pissed.]
Snarkfang cackled. "Nice one, klepto—you're feeding it crumbs while it carves us. Fucking galaxy brain."
Gorv whimpered, "No red, no chains…" He swung his axe—glitched, firing a laser that carved a canyon wall into glass. The Chainskorp dodged, spitting sludge that glued Gorv's boots to the ground. He screamed, "STUCK AGAIN!" and flopped, axe flailing. [Party Debuff: Gorv's a sticky bitch.]
Snarkfang snorted. "He's dumber than a bag of dicks, Ryu—feed him to the buzzsaw."
"Shut it," Ryu growled, dodging a claw swipe that cracked the cliff edge.
Pip, lord of all fuck-ups, twirled his lute stick. "A canyon croon, cap'n!" The polka screeched—barely a note, strings long gone—and the Chainskorp grew, claws doubling, chainsaw tail sprouting a second blade. [Buff Applied: Chainskorp -> Double-Buzz Dick (Level 34). Pip, you absolute cockwaffle.]
"PIP, YOU SHITHEAD!" Ryu roared, ducking a chainsaw slash that shredded a glitchy cactus into pixels. "Stop buffing the fucking enemy!"
"It's my spirit, mate!" Pip grinned, tripping into a sand patch face-first.
Ryu swung Snarkfang—Glitch Geyser triggered. The ground rumbled, erupting a fountain of flaming dildos—rubber, glowing, flopping everywhere. They pelted the Double-Buzz Dick, some melting on its claws, others smacking its face with wet slaps. [Glitch Geyser Effect: Dildo Deluge. Damage: 70, Humiliation +300.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "You're a fucking sex shop volcano, dipshit—I'm dying!"
"Eat shit!" Ryu slashed—Stink Slash hit, a fart cloud so rancid the Chainskorp's code-eyes glitched, claws drooping. [Damage: 50. Status: Skorp's got swamp ass in a canyon.]
The goons crested the canyon rim—five bastards, led by a sergeant with a mace and a vendetta. "Glitch Knight! You're—" A dildo hit his face, flaming tip first. He screamed, flailing off the edge into the sludge. [Enemy Down: +35 EXP.] The grunts fired crossbows—bolts pinged the Chainskorp, one grazed Ryu's ass. [Damage: -10 HP. HP: 55/80.]
"Nice shot, skorp-fuck!" Ryu yelled, dodging a chainsaw tail that carved a dune into glitter.
Lira chucked the Squeaky Bitch. It squeaked, glitching into a rubber tarantula that bit the Chainskorp's leg. [Bug Triggered: Spider Shitshow.] The beast thrashed, slashing—Lira ducked, but it clipped Pip, sending him spinning into Gorv. [Party Collision: Chaos +10.] Gorv woke, saw the sludge splatter, and bellowed, "RED MUCK!" He hurled his axe—it glitched, firing laser shards that shredded the Chainskorp's tail blades. [Critical Glitch! +120 EXP.]
The Double-Buzz Dick screeched, spitting code-sludge. Ryu rolled, but it hit Pip—he glowed, breakdancing in the sand again. [Party Buff: Pip's Raving 4: Canyon Boogie.] The goons fired—one bolt hit the skorp, glitching it bigger, claws now chainsaw-tipped too. [Bug Overload: Mega-Buzz Mode.]
Snarkfang snorted. "Your bard's a fucking curse, Ryu—shoot him already."
Ryu grit his teeth. "Fuck this." He triggered Glitch Gatling—Snarkfang vibrated, blasting rubber chickens again. They exploded into feathers and farts, jamming the Mega-Buzz Dick's maw. [Damage: 100.] He charged—Chaos Call hit, spawning a flaming piñata again. It burst, raining molten candy that glued the skorp's legs. [Chaos Call Effect: Candy Cage. Damage: 80.]
Lira slammed the waffle iron on a trapped claw—sparks flew, frying scales. [Damage: 60.] Gorv threw a rock—it glitched into a disco ball, pulsing rave lights. The skorp flailed, blinded. [Bug Escalation: Skorp's Tripping Balls.] Ryu swung—Glitch Geyser erupted again, this time a geyser of sparkling lube. It slicked the skorp, sliding it into the canyon wall—crash, bluescreen. [MegaBuzzDick.exe terminated. +350 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 9. New Skill: Glitch Golem (Summons a glitchy fuck to fight).]
Ryu panted, lube-soaked and pissed. Lira hugged her iron, Gorv sobbed over his boots, and Pip moonwalked, covered in feathers. The goons' corpses littered the rim—one clutched a shard. [Item: Patch Shard Fragment (4/5). Note: Almost there, fucker.]
Snarkfang snorted. "You're a slippery shitlord, Ryu—nice lube tan."
"Fuck off," Ryu muttered, wiping glitter from his face.
The canyon rumbled—more goons, and a distant screech. Ryu glared at his crew. "Move, fuckwits—one shard left, and I'm not dying in this shithole."
Lira grinned. "Worth the shine."