Ryu stumbled out of the Glitchspike Volcano's shadow, ash flaking off his bare-ass feet like he'd walked through a barbecue pit's asshole. The third Patch Shard glowed in his pocket, syncing with the others, hot enough to make his junk feel like it was roasting marshmallows. The goon horns blared behind—those fuckers were relentless, probably pissed about their blender-kraken BBQ. Lira skipped ahead, cradling her singed Waffle Iron of the Grid like a war trophy. Gorv whimpered, dragging his axe through the dirt, and Pip twirled his charred lute stick, humming a polka that sounded like a dying fax machine.
The terrain shifted—swamp muck dried into cracked sand, heat shimmering in glitchy waves. Cacti flickered, some sprouting disco lights, others flipping upside down. The system popped up: [Location Discovered: Glitchsand Wastes. Warning: Hot, dry, and full of shit—don't die, dumbass.]
Snarkfang pulsed, runes smirking. "A desert now? You're gonna sweat your balls off, shitlord—I'd pay to see it."
"Fuck you," Ryu snapped, kicking a sand dune that glitched into a pile of glitter and bounced away. "You're enjoying this too much."
"Damn straight, fuckface—your misery's my foreplay. Stab something sandy and let's roll."
The horns closed in—goons shouting, armor clanking over the dunes. But then the sand erupted ahead, and Ryu froze. A massive worm—segmented, spiky, with a maw like a garbage disposal—reared up, spitting pixelated grit. [Enemy: Sandshredder (Level 28). Weakness: Maybe a shower? Good fucking luck.]
"Great," Ryu groaned, gripping Snarkfang. "A fucking sand blender. Alright, fuckwits—don't suck worse than usual."
Lira sparked the waffle iron. "I'll crisp it!" She lobbed a waffle—it hit the Sandshredder's maw, sizzling into dust. The worm burrowed, then burst up under Lira, launching her skyward. She flailed, iron sparking. [Damage: 5 to dignity. Effect: Lira's airborne.]
Snarkfang cackled. "Nice shot, klepto—you fed it dessert before it eats us. Fucking brilliant."
Gorv whimpered, "No red, no sand…" He swung his axe—glitched, firing a laser that carved a dune into glass. The Sandshredder dodged, spitting sand that glued Gorv's cape to his ass. He screamed, "STUCK!" and flopped, axe buried. [Party Debuff: Gorv's a sandy bitch.]
Snarkfang snorted. "He's dumber than a sack of dicks, Ryu—leave him for worm food."
"Shut it," Ryu growled, dodging a maw lunge that churned the sand into a glitter storm.
Pip, eternal fuck-up king, twirled his lute stick. "A desert ditty, cap'n!" The polka screeched—half a note, since the strings were toast—and the Sandshredder grew, spikes doubling, maw sprouting buzzsaw teeth. [Buff Applied: Sandshredder -> Buzzworm (Level 30). Pip, you goddamn cocksmack.]
"PIP, YOU SHIT!" Ryu roared, ducking a buzzsaw bite that shredded a cactus into confetti. "Stop buffing the fucking enemy!"
"It's my vibe, mate!" Pip grinned, tripping over his own feet into a dune.
Ryu swung Snarkfang—Glitch Gatling triggered. The blade vibrated, rapid-firing glitchy projectiles—rubber chickens. They squeaked, pelting the Buzzworm's face, some exploding into feathers, others bouncing off with fart noises. [Glitch Gatling Effect: Chicken Barrage. Damage: 60, Confusion +150.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "You're a fucking Looney Tune, dipshit—I'm in love!"
"Eat shit!" Ryu slashed—Stink Slash hit, a fart cloud so rancid the Buzzworm's spikes wilted, sand clogging its buzzsaw maw. [Damage: 45. Status: Worm's got swamp ass in a desert.]
The goons crested a dune—six bastards in armor, led by a captain with a crossbow and a superiority complex. "Glitch Knight! You're—" The Buzzworm burrowed, popping up under him—maw chomped, blending his ass into glittery paste. [Enemy Down: +30 EXP.] The grunts screamed, firing bolts—most hit the worm, one pinged Ryu's shoulder. [Damage: -15 HP. HP: 65/80.]
"Nice assist, worm-fuck!" Ryu yelled, ducking a tentacle swipe.
Lira landed, chucking the Squeaky Bitch. It squeaked, glitching into a rubber scorpion that stung the Buzzworm's tail. [Bug Triggered: Scorpion Stingfest.] The worm thrashed, slapping Lira into Pip—both crashed into Gorv, who woke, saw the glitter gore, and shrieked, "RED SPARKLES!" He hurled his axe—it glitched, firing laser shards that shredded the worm's spikes. [Critical Glitch! +110 EXP.]
The Buzzworm roared, spitting buzzsaw sand. Ryu rolled, but it hit Pip—his lute stick snapped, and he glowed, breakdancing in the dunes. [Party Buff: Pip's Raving 3: Sandstorm Boogie.] The goons fired again—one bolt hit the worm, glitching it bigger, maw now a full-on woodchipper. [Bug Overload: Chipperworm Mode.]
Snarkfang snorted. "Your bard's a fucking plague, Ryu—shoot him."
Ryu grit his teeth. "End this shit." He triggered Chaos Call—the air warped, spawning a flaming piñata. It swung, bursting into candy that melted into the sand, tripping the Chipperworm. [Chaos Call Effect: Candy Trap. Damage: 70, Mobility -60.] He charged, slashing—Glitch Gatling fired again, rubber chickens exploding into a feather storm. The worm's maw jammed, choking on poultry. [Damage: 90.]
Lira leapt, slamming the waffle iron on its tail—sparks fried scales. [Damage: 50.] Gorv, still screaming, threw a rock—it glitched into a disco ball, pulsing rave lights. The Chipperworm flailed, blinded. [Bug Escalation: Worm's Tripping Balls.] Ryu swung—Crash Bash hit. Static ripped out—the worm bluescreened, collapsing into sand and code. [Chipperworm.exe terminated. +300 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 8. New Skill: Glitch Geyser (Erupts glitchy bullshit from the ground).]
Ryu panted, sand up his ass. Lira hugged her iron, Gorv sobbed over his cape, and Pip moonwalked, covered in glitter. The goons' corpses littered the dunes—one clutched a note: [Loot: Goon Scribble. Note: Shard 4's west, fucker.]
Snarkfang snorted. "You're a walking sand enema, shitlord. Nice glitter tan."
"Fuck off," Ryu muttered, shaking feathers from his hair.
The wind howled—more goons, and a distant buzz. Ryu glared at his crew. "Move, fuckwits—next shard's not gonna dig itself up."
Lira grinned. "Worth the sparkle."