Hi
I'm Sophiee.
A chubby, overthinking, sometimes-too-soft-for-this-world kind of girl. I just turned seventeen then, but mentally? I feel like I've lived five lives already, three of them inside a bad teen drama and the other two in a Nollywood film.
I finished secondary school at 15, yeah
beauty with the brains
no biggie 😉
so basically, I've been in this weird limbo. Like that part of a movie where the character's just lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the plot to start. That's been me… until he happened.
But wait, before we jump to the juicy bits, let me introduce you to the one woman who has shaped me, scared me, and lowkey scarred me: my mother.
My mom is the definition of "no nonsense." She's that Nigerian woman who can detect bad behavior before you even think about doing it. You know that auntie who can beat sense into you with just her eyes? Yeah, imagine that, but on steroids.
my mother is the type of woman who believes all boys are demons, if you as much as looks at one, you have ruined your destiny and disgraced your ancestors 😂😂😂
She once flogged me with a broom, the entire broom, want to know why ?,because a boy asked me for directions and I mistakenly smiled too long. She said my smile was "too cheap." And just like that, my love life became a crime scene.
Mom doesn't believe in "talking things out." Nah. She believes in action. As in, "let me reset your brain with this cane before Satan hires you as his PA."
Strict? Try military commander with a sprinkle of prayer warrior.
But me? I'm just a soft girl trying to survive.
Now, about my love life...
Cue dramatic music from every cringe high school movie you've ever watched 😂😂
My love life is like jollof rice cooked without salt. It looks promising at first glance, vibrant, spicy, maybe even tasty, but one bite and you're like, "Wait, tf 😂 ,what is this?"
So, let's rewind a bit to where the madness started.
I got added to a WhatsApp group.
Yes, my first WhatsApp group, don't laugh 😂. It felt like getting invited to a secret society. People were chatting, dropping memes, sending voice notes like mini podcasts, and for someone like me—quiet, mostly invisible, it was a sensory overload, it was a huge deal.
But I was loving it.
Then… he joined.
This new guy. His profile picture alone? Whew. Cute doesn't even cover it. That kind of face that makes you say "God when" before you even realize it.
For safety reasons (and because I'm not ready to cry publicly), let's just call him Fred.😂😂😂
let's call him Fred
not his real name
because even if my heart was stupid my brain still has sense 😂😂
So yeah… Fred.
He was cute.
Like CUTE cute. The kind of cute that makes your brain misbehave. You know, the one that sends "good morning" and suddenly your heart is playing the drums
gugugugugugugugugu, like it's auditioning for the church choir 😂😂😂😂
That was Fred.
My first actual crush. I know, I know, it's cliché, but can you blame me? His voice notes? Sweet. His grammar? Intact. He even used punctuation in chats. I was already screaming "husband material!" in my head hew 🤣🤣
But then I found out he was in a different state.
Me?I'm also in a different state
Still, I kept it cool. I wasn't about to let him know I was mentally adding his surname to mine. That's way too quick, even for me.
(slow down Sophiee 😂😂🙏)
So we kept chatting. Vibing. Laughing at the same memes, complaining about NEPA, bonding over music and hating the same math topics. You know that feeling when someone just gets you? That was Fred and me.
I was already planning our wedding in my head😂😂😂. Guest list, colour of the asoebi, who I was going to block from attending, all set.
Until… boom.
One random afternoon, I got a DM from a strange number.
Some girl, bold as anything, saying "Hi, I'm Fred's girlfriend. Stay away from him."
Ah.
Excuse me?!
First of all, I didn't even have Fred. How can I stay away from what I don't own?
Second of all… sis was 15, like lé fuck 😂😂
I was flabbergasted. Me, Sophiee, disrespected by a JSS3 child.
I didn't even argue. I just quietly carried my L and blocked her. But lowkey? I was embarrassed. Like, "God, why me?" kind of embarrassed. My chest was paining me.
I confronted Fred. I told him to control his wahala girlfriend before she starts DMing Buhari too.
That was our first fight.
Awww. Couple goals, 😉 😂😂
We didn't talk after that. Just like that, cute Fred faded from my life. No goodbye. No "It's not you, it's me." Just radio silence.
And I? I was convinced I would never love again.
Dramatic, I know. But when you're 17 and a hopeless romantic living with a mother who believes boys are the devil's agents, it feels very real.
Time passed.
I turned 18.
Still living my normal, boring life in Bonny. Same strict mom, same lonely routine. I was so lonely, I swear I was one more bad day away from turning into a stick. Like an actual, emotionless broomstick,😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Then…
One faithful day, just before my 18th birthday…
I got a DM.
Guess who?
Yep.
Fred.
Cue dramatic soundtrack, thunder, lightning, and one Yoruba woman shouting "aye mi ooo!" 😂😂😂😂😂
If you want to know what happened…
Stay tuned for episode Two❤️❤️❤️