Crouching behind the reef outside Troy, I looked at the melted sunscreen in my hands and heard the screams of the system hamster:
"The host! Apollo's solar car passes in five minutes. Create a solar eclipse with your reflective shield!"
Empty cans of sunscreen thrown by the Greek Allies float on the sea, and Achilles is using the scabs on his heels as a mirror to reapply the tip of his nose.
Suddenly, the sky heard the neighing of twelve flaming horses, and where the sun chariot passed, the armor of the Trojan garrison began to smoke.
"Now is the time!"
I held up the wooden shield covered with lenses, and the sly smile of Odysseus suddenly appeared in the mirror - the bastard had turned the shield into an advertising board, inscribed on it
"Troy Beauty Salon, second jar half price."
The sunlight refracted in the mirror array into seven colored lightsabers, piercing Apollo's eyelids with precision.
"Who dares --"
The roar of the sun God became a cry of surprise, and his crown was shot down, revealing the golden curls that had not been washed for three days.
The system takes the opportunity to activate the "bodybuilding halo", and the shield emits a muscular male voice:
"You deserve hydrated skin!"
Apollo was stunned when I threw out the sunscreen mixed with youth Spring water, right in the middle of his tall nose.
"Mortal! What kind of magic is this?"
He wiped his face, the blue light leaking through his fingers turning the clouds into liquid foundation. "My divine power... It's boiling!"
Suddenly, the Sun car turned around and headed for the Aegean Sea. Apollo skidded on the shafts like grease:
"Can't help it! Grandpa Helios didn't teach that!"
The sunscreen reacts with the sunfire, turning the whole thing into a fluorescent ice cream truck, sprinkling spot-on cones along the way.
"Historical deviation Alert!"
Hamster system spew fire sand, "Oracle at Delphi is turning into beauty review!"
By the time we got to the temple, the priestess was twitching and uttering a bizarre mantra:
"Devotee Pete, to win the golden apple, you must apply a mud mask three times a day..."
Empty bottles of sunscreen float in the sacred fire on the altar, and Apollo's quiver is filled with fluorescent lip balm.
Men in black disguised as spice traders mingled with the crowd:
"His Majesty Napoleon says the beauty empire needs a sun protection patent..."
Before he finished, he was mobbed by Helen's fan group as a scalper:
"First come, first served! Helen's Blue cream!"
The philosophical cat suddenly jumped onto the oracle tripod and carved calculus formulas into the SLATE with his PAWS.
The system deciphered and screamed:
"Apollo's sun protection is out, and the Trojan War is turning into a beauty contest!"
I grabbed the temple's bronze incense burner and used it as a sprayer, mixing the fountain of youth with sunscreen.
The moment the mist touched Apollo, he burst into a bel Canto:
"I -- it's the light! It is beautiful! The god of sun protection!"
The sky lit up and all the soldiers' weapons began to reflect. Paris's arrow turned into a foundation brush, and Agamemnon's staff grew mascara heads.
Achilles was furious to discover that his shield reflected his pores in close-up:
"It is a disgrace to a warrior!"
"Host do the reverse!"
The hamster system pops Herculus' protein powder formula, "Let Apollo's sunscreen expire!"
I rushed to the wreck of the Suncar and stuffed Odysseus' stinky socks into the sunblock bucket.
Suddenly, the whole sea was covered with green foam, and Apollo's blond hair began to roll off:
"My hair! It's more humiliating than losing to Mars!"
When she rescued Helen, surrounded by fans, she was using the walls of Troy as a cosmetic mirror:
"Honey, what do you think of fluorescent blue and Spartan red lips?"
I watched as she dug out half a metre of blush from the wall, and I understood why Homer left it out.
The man in black took the opportunity to steal the oracle tablet, which was engraved with a new prophecy:
"The golden apple goes to the goddess with the highest SPF!"
He infiltrates Olympus disguised as a tailor and sews Hera's robe full of UV test cards.
That night, the Greek army barracks floated the strange smell of barbecue - Apollo roasted the sunblock marinated whole sheep with the sun car. His choir was forced to become a promotional choir:
"Smear it three times, the spear is gone!"
The system suddenly crashes:
"Detected medieval witches using sunscreen to divinate... Spatiotemporal pollution index breaks the threshold!"
Philosophy Cat brings Apollo's quiver with a sunscreen lip balm engraved with Napoleon's eagle.
In the moonlight, a small line appeared in the arrows:
"To the Bastille Sun Protection Revolution - your beauty will eventually cut the chain!"
When the vortex of time and space spit me into the mud pit of the Middle Ages, what I saw took my breath away
Templars worship on Hercules' dumbbells, protein powder flags fly from monastery spires, and philosophical cats wear papal triple crowns to sharpen their claws on painted Windows.
"The host! Sunscreen is being sold as holy water!"
Hamster system pops up holographic ledger, "Notre Dame Inventory:
500 gallons of sunblock water, 300 pairs of fitness dumbbells, Helen's Blue face mask..."
Suddenly, a warax with sunscreen formula carved on it struck at his feet.
Ragnar Lodbrock, the Viking leader, jumped from the longship, his red beard glinting eerily blue:
"Hand over the Golden Apple sun protection formula! Odin's beard needs care!"
I turned and ran, but ran into Joan of Arc's steed, which was wearing the Egyptian equivalent of fluorescent sunscreen! Joan's spear pressed to my throat:
"Heresy! How dare you contaminate holy water with Persian spices!"
'Wait! I held up Apollo's sunscreen lip balm. "This is the key to the Bastille revolution!"
The lipstick projected Napoleon's decree in the moonlight, and Joan suddenly switched to modern French:
"Damn it! My manicurist is Napoleon in disguise!"
The man in black darts out of the confessional, his mechanical prosthetics peeking out from under his Viking armor:
"History belongs to the bodybuilder!"
He swings a protein powder warhammer into the Holy water cellar, unleashing hundreds of gallons of sunscreen into a river.
"Launch the Legacy of Hercules!"
I blew a horn in the shape of a dumbbell. The Templars came from all sides, chest muscles flying through their chain mail, six-pack abs forming a human wall.
Ragnar's Viking ship suddenly begins to sink - the sunscreen coating dissolves in water!
The philosophical cat leaps up the bell tower, tail sweeps the doomsday bell. Holograms of the Trojan battlefield appear in the sky: Apollo's sunblock arrow is shooting into the Middle Ages! System hamster blasts into hedgehog:
"Space-time chain reaction! Use the Viking Sun boat as a lightning rod!"
Ragnar threw me into the longboat.
"If you can't fix the sunscreen coating, I'll use your skull as a wine glass!"
I wiped the rain off my face and discovered that the waterproof formula was hidden in a Viking rune - Thor's Hammer is the formula for sunscreen!
When Thor's lightning strikes the bow, the long ship turns into a giant glow stick.
The Viking warriors suddenly tanned en masse, and their tattoos burst into auroral colors. Joan of Arc took the opportunity to shout:
"This is the light of God!"
In the melee, Napoleon steals half the sun protection boat, and his robotic arm is branded with a new tattoo:
"Freedom, Equality, Sun protection!"
While the Knights Templar began carving gothic gyms out of dumbbells, philosophical cats pressed paw prints on the Bible:
"Meow ~ Chapter 114 New Ten Commandments of Bodybuilding ~"