"What's this…?" Tao Hua asked apprehensively.
He and Shan Si were standing ahead of a door within the vicinity of The Palace of Heavenly Purity. Not necessarily the same building, but not far from it either. A short walk through a few long corridors, toward an area quieter than the rest.
"The promise, remember?" Shan Si said, his hands reaching toward the door. "Just look and trust me."
A week had passed since the two ventured to Tao Hua's old bedchambers, leaving him stuck with countless thoughts of all that had happened, torturing him helpless.
The problem with Tao Hua's overthinking tendencies was that each time he felt something good was on the horizon, there was always this little voice echoing in the back of his head.
And that good…well, it became more distinct as the week passed.
Shan Si had cranked up the generosity tenfold after their time spent in Tao Hua's old bedchamber, and Tao Hua felt a loud and pronounced "maybe."
That maybe was the small hope that perhaps what was going on between the two was more than the typical friendship.
But his mind just wouldn't shut up when his heart tried to speak, and it happened each time he internally addressed the topic.
Repeating the same things his father had said all these years, perfectly in the image of a smiling tiger. They were constant resounding reminders, and one's Tao Hua thought he'd beat when rooming with Shan Si.
All he wanted to do each time they resurfaced was clutch Shan Si's sleeve and beg him to make it stop.
But it was never that easy. Negative, awful concerns took over constantly, and for the first time in his life, Tao Hua wished his father dead.
How awful of him; truly cruel.
The fucking shadow that kept looming around him, and the words he endured without issue for twenty years, instantly displayed their true colours and the damage dealt. They were unpleasantly shaded, and often knocked on the front door of Tao Hua's happiness, completely destroying the aesthetic he'd built.
In fact, it terrified him to no end, disallowing him to step closer to the man who regularly patted the space next to him, adamantly inviting Tao Hua into his life.
Tao Hua listened to each and every of Shan Si's requests, often without retaliation. This was a temporary fix that started out with a blush on his cheeks, and eventually concentrated around the rims of his eyes.
It happened nearly every time as his mind travelled to the impure images of their night spent in the bedchambers, and the dream he wasn't sure was a dream or not.
If Shan Si didn't think the same way as Tao Hua, or if Tao Hua had read far too much into the situation, would this ruin everything between them? Would Tao Hua be the insane one between the two with a weird infatuation?
He especially struggled in understanding whether Shan Si was receptive or just playing a role. It was statements like what his father said during the last banquet about Shan Si that were the worst of them.
Hollow compliments, and then the comment about the bookmark: I'm sure he threw it out.
What if his father was right? He hadn't once seen the bookmark since—and that was what Tao Hua slowly began to believe without comprehending that he also hadn't once seen the sword since that day either.
However, all of that washed away at the highlighting (light) creak of a door, slowly revealing the interior of a warmly dressed room.
As the pair walked in, Tao Hua's eyes widened, glossed in awe.
As per usual, Shan Si managed to momentarily calm his thoughts, without ever realizing he did.
In the middle was a desk, with a few jars of ink stones, neatly stored brushes, jars of ink, a long stretch of paper, and books tucked into the corner. It was exactly how one imagined a scholar's desk to be decorated, and it was magnificent.
But that's not what caught Tao Hua's attention most. Curiously, there was a fairly extensive, deeply red box, engraved and latched with gold. It captivated his attention for a good few seconds before something else caught the corner of his eye.
"Normally I prefer Western writing tools, but I figured you'd prefer this—"
Hair flung forward, Shan Si couldn't quite finish his sentence against the excitement of Tao Hua. He ran past the study and straight for the walls shelved high with books, books, and more books.
Granted, he'd been given plenty of books to read, but this was a room filled with more than he could count, and much bigger than anything he'd ever seen.
Shan Si was right when he said it was better than the bookstore, and my miles. A slight nostalgia washed over Tao Hua, and the thing about nostalgia was that it wasn't always a pleasant feeling.
The room was pristine and perfect, calibrated to Tao Hua perfectly. But that was the issue; it was too good. Turning toward Shan Si, Tao Hua scrunched his lips slightly.
Shan Si laughed, as if already prepared for this reaction. He approached Tao Hua, placed a hand on his shoulder.
"You need to assess your surroundings more," he said, and turning Tao Hua toward what looked like a small nook in the wall, piled with quilt upon quilt and pillow after pillow.
Compared to the rest of the room, this was far cozier. The bed had thick curtains pulled to the sides, blending in with the colours of the room.
Next to the bed sat a small table with a lantern on it, but still enough room to place extra books.
In a sappy manner, Tao Hua flashed his eyes up at Shan Si, trying to understand exactly what made him want to do all of this.
"Why?"
"You…" Shan Si paused before gently offering Tao Hua a sympathetic smile. "Things have been stressful; I'm sure. I expedited the project, so it might feel scuffed. We can work on it together as we research."
We. Research. Together.
Tao Hua's smile broadened, his cheeks melting into his eyes. "I really like that."
Though timidly, he turned his head toward Shan Si, as if awaiting permission to continue. Shan Si returned the gesture of a soft smile and nodded his head.
And thus, Tao Hua immediately sprang into action after beaming Shan Si an appreciative smile. He started scanning the shelves, his finger trailing along each spine.
Shan Si let out a sigh, placed one hand on his hip, and the other in the air, waving it around.
"It's all yours," he said, casually making his way over to Tao Hua. "All in here is yours to choose from."
"There's so much—too much, maybe," Tao Hua muttered, unable to hold back his excitement. "A Land—er, um. The Bookstore wouldn't be able to compare."
"That dingy town? Of course not, Tao Hua." Shan Si laughed.
Tao Hua went back to the shelves, tapping his finger on each book until stopping at a smaller bookcase.
The books on this shelf were different; used and worn, as if written in for decades. So, Tao Hua tipped a book back, and he was just ready to tug it out when a bigger hand gently pushed it back in.
Blinking, he turned his head upward toward the owner.
"Maybe not that one," Shan Si said.
"Oh. Gotcha." Tao Hua awkwardly looked away, but started for the next one, and just as he was about to pull it out, the same thing happened twice.
"Not that one either…" The same thing kept happening, over and over. "Or that one. Nope. Not that either."
Exhausted, Tao Hua flopped his arms against his sides and asked, "Then what can I touch?"
"…Dangerous question," Shan Si teased, before holding up a finger. "Hold up."
Shan Si grazed his hand on Tao Hua's shoulder before making his way over to the desk. Picking up a brush and a red pot of ink, he made his way to various shelves.
It was a curious sight, and Tao Hua couldn't help but follow behind him, his hands clasped behind his back. He watched as Shan Si swiped red marks on every rare few shelves.
Placing the jar and ink on an empty ledge, he said, "Anything marked with red is prohibited."
"Why…?"
"Work documents—palace affairs," Shan Si waved it off; however, Tao Hua couldn't help but feel there was more than Shan Si was letting on. "I'd rather they stayed organized. Just in case they're needed on a whim. You know how it is. Everything else is fair game, I promise."
"Ah…understood."
And still, he couldn't help but glance back over with pursed lips. He wanted to know, but the fear of sounding selfish or needy practically cast it out of existence.
Instead, Tao Hua chose the opposite.
"Thank you." Tao Hua bashfully smiled; however, it wasn't just about the books or the library he was grateful for.
"There's more to it as well," Shan Si said. "Want to see?"
With indecision, Tao Hua pondered first before answering.
The last week, his discomfort, and every overthinking thought related to the people of Siyue Town and his father all negated with a single look back at the bed.
Thus, he immediately wrapped his arms around Shan Si and hugged him—this was becoming more of a habit, as Shan Si never once expressed distaste for it.
If he didn't, then Tao Hua knew he wasn't doing anything wrong. Kind of.
"Hah—I'm not sure if that's a yes or a no. I'll just take it as you do," Shan Si exhaled, contently without didn't move an inch. Instead, he placed his hand on the back of Tao Hua's head and the other against his back.
Tao Hua nodded, his face rubbing against the black and gold fabric of Shan Si's robe.
Though it did trouble him why a man such as Shan Si's calibre would go so far for someone like Tao Hua only to tell him there was more?
Gripping tightly, Tao Hua strengthened his embrace further. He wasn't sure if his eyes watered from the intense scent of pine, or if it was his emotions that sparked a stinging sensation.
Alas, they still reddened.
"Awh, Tao Hua…what's gotten into you?" Shan Si laughed, patting the back of his head. "It's been a while since I've gotten this—"
"Please don't let this end," Tao Hua interjected helplessly. Shan Si glanced down at him with an expression harder to read than an ancient text.
But before Shan Si had the chance to speak, a knock rapped on the open door.
In popped a monocle-wearing face of bored urgency, holding up a hand in greeting.
"There you are—oop." Wan Mie froze. "Am I interrupting something?"
Tao Hua's head swung back, and just as he was about to peel himself away from Shan Si, Shan Si tightened his own hold.
"You have eyes. What do you think?" Shan Si asked, disgruntled. "If it's not important, leave. I'm busy."
"I can tell," Wan Mie replied, his eyes shifting between the two. "Too bad I also don't care. Water recedes, rocks appear."
"Seriously?" Shan Si's brows furrowed. "Now? It hasn't even been a month."
Wan Mie mockingly laughed, though he seemed more serious than usual.
"What is there for me to say? You entered the lions' den and pissed off a pride. I'm surprised it wasn't sooner. Come on, lover boy, let's go, yesterday. You know the cost otherwise."
Wan Mie nudged his head toward the exit at. "Rabbit's Foot will be here when you get back."
Gritting his teeth, Shan Si looked at Wan Mie, and then back down at Tao Hua before letting out a defeated sigh.
"Where…?" Tao Hua's expression fell as he tried to study Shan Si's face. Although it was becoming increasingly clear that Shan Si was going exactly where he said he would be every so often, and at the worst time, too. Exasperatedly, he asked, "Where, Shan Si? A-Already…? What about the other thing?"
Removing himself from Tao Hua, Shan Si painfully frowned at him. He still kept his hands on Tao Hua's shoulder before turning to look at the man in the doorway, who was shaking his head at Shan Si.
Anxiety slowly started to build, and Tao Hua held his hands to his chest. Why wouldn't he answer?!
"How bad?" Shan Si asked.
"Does it matter?" Wan Mie replied, crossing his arms. "Having new toys to play with doesn't give you the agency to slack off. Let's get ready. Tick, tick, tick."
For a moment, Tao Hua could feel Shan Si's hands gripping Tao Hua's shoulders as he glared at Wan Mie, but the old man didn't care! The mission was absolute, it seemed.
Eventually, Shan Si calmed down just as he faced Tao Hua.
"No more than seven days," he promised, as if aware something was amiss. "I'll have Suo Han and Qian Jue watch over you. Just…stay put. Please."
And with that, he turned away from Tao Hua and approached Wan Mie. As the pair left the room, leaving Tao Hua within it, what the two thought was a quiet conversation echoed.
"Too close, Little Sisi. Keep that up, and you'll drag him into your misfortune. Such a selfish man you are."
"Shut up."
"Fine. Hurt him for all I care, just don't mess up the mission," Wan Mie said, just as the last door slammed shut.
Tao Hua remained there, completely drenched in silence. It started with his breathing, slowly becoming uneven, and ended in a cold sweat. He placed his hands on his face, eyes widened, and the tips of his fingers stretching his skin.
Perhaps this was a sign he'd begun relying on Shan Si more than was acceptable, and the idea of being away for far too long terrified him.
But he was certain a week was far too long for someone who'd lived twenty years starved of attention.
Chapter end.
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