Ryu bolted down the cave tunnel, Snarkfang swinging like a pissed-off pendulum in his grip. The pet rock jostled in his pocket, its googly eyes rattling like it was judging him. Behind, the roar grew louder—something with too many teeth and zero chill was hauling ass his way. "What the fuck is that?!" he yelled, dodging a stalactite that decided to fall right then because of course it fucking did.
Snarkfang's runes flared. "Dunno, dipshit. Could be a troll, could be a dragon, could be your mom after you forgot her birthday. Keep running, genius—I ain't dying with you."
"You're a sword, you can't die!" Ryu snapped, skidding around a corner. The system flickered in his vision: [Threat Detected: Angry Thing (Level ??). Tip: Don't suck.]
"Great, real helpful, you buggy piece of—"
The tunnel opened into a cavern, and Ryu slammed on the brakes. Three figures stood there, lit by a flickering torch that looked two seconds from crapping out. They turned, and Ryu's jaw dropped. This wasn't a rescue team—this was a goddamn circus reject pile.
First up was a chick in a patchy robe, blonde hair a rat's nest, clutching a staff topped with a half-eaten apple. She grinned, revealing a gap where a tooth should've been. "Oi, fresh meat! You got loot?" Her hand was already in Ryu's pocket, fishing out the pet rock.
"Hey, fuck off!" Ryu swatted her away. The system pinged: [Party Member Detected: Lira, Klepto Healer. Skill: Sticky Fingers (Steals shit, might heal you later).]
Next was a hulking dude in furs, axe bigger than Ryu's torso, trembling like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm. He whimpered, "Is that… b-blood on your sword?" His knees buckled, and he hit the ground, curling into a ball. [Party Member Detected: Gorv, Berserker. Skill: Rage Quit (Faints at gore, might swing if he wakes up).]
Ryu stared. "You've gotta be shitting me."
Last was a scrawny guy in a feathered cap, strumming a lute that screeched like a cat in a blender. He winked. "Hail, noble knight! I'll serenade your valor!" He launched into a polka so off-key the walls shook, and a stalactite crashed down, nearly flattening Ryu. [Party Member Detected: Pip, Bard. Skill: Polka of Pain (Buffs enemies, annoys everyone).]
"Stop! Fucking stop!" Ryu yelled, waving Snarkfang. The sword cackled.
"Congrats, asshole—you've got the B-team of Valdris. I'd say kill 'em, but they're too pathetic to waste the swing."
Before Ryu could process this clusterfuck, the cavern rumbled. The "Angry Thing" burst through the wall—a bear-sized lizard with six legs, glitchy pixels flickering over its scales like a bad Twitch stream. Its jaws dripped acid that melted the floor, and one eye was a spinning loading icon. [Enemy: Glitchodile (Level 8). Weakness: Fuck if we know.]
"Battle stations, dipshits!" Ryu shouted, gripping Snarkfang. Lira yelped, "I'll heal ya!" and chucked the pet rock at the Glitchodile. It bounced off, dinging: [Healing Failed: Rock is judgmental, not medicinal.] The beast roared, lunging. Ryu slashed—Stink Slash erupted, a green cloud so rank Gorv puked in his fetal ball. The Glitchodile sneezed, stumbling, but kept coming.
Pip strummed harder. "A tune for victory!" The polka hit a high note, and the Glitchodile grew—muscles bulging, an extra leg sprouting. [Buff Applied: Enemy +20% Beefiness. Thanks, Pip, you twat.]
"Are you fucking serious?!" Ryu dodged a claw swipe that shredded the wall. Snarkfang laughed. "Told ya—B-team. Swing me, bitch, or we're lizard chow!"
Ryu grit his teeth, channeling every ounce of gamer rage. He swung Snarkfang in a wide arc. The blade glitched, sparking a pixelated explosion—half the cavern lit up in rainbow static, and the Glitchodile's tail flew off, wriggling like a drunk worm. [Critical Glitch! +25 EXP. Bug Logged: Tail Tantrum.]
Lira dove for the tail. "Loot!" she squealed, stuffing it in her robe as it bit her ass. Gorv sobbed, "Too much blood!" and fainted again, drooling on Ryu's boot. Pip kept playing, and a random chicken spawned mid-fight, clucking furiously. [System Error: Poultry Summoned. Deal with it.]
The Glitchodile roared, acid spit flying. Ryu ducked, the spray melting his sleeve. "We're fucked unless you idiots do something!"
Lira grinned, holding up the pet rock. "I nicked this back—use it!" She lobbed it at Ryu. He caught it, no clue what to do, and Snarkfang chimed in: "Chuck it, dumbass—glitch the glitch!"
Ryu hurled the rock. It hit the Glitchodile's loading-icon eye—and the beast froze, pixels shattering. A blue screen of death flashed over its body: [Fatal Error: Reptile.exe has crashed.] It collapsed, twitching, then poofed into loot: a bent spoon and a note reading "Try harder, scrub." [Victory! +50 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 2. New Skill: Crash Bash (50% chance to bluescreen foes, 50% chance to bluescreen you).]
Ryu panted, staring at the spoon. "This is bullshit."
Snarkfang snorted. "You're bullshit. Meet your new family—Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbass Polka Edition."
Lira pocketed the spoon. Gorv whimpered awake. Pip strummed a victory jig, spawning another chicken. Ryu groaned. "I'm gonna kill the Admin King myself just to uninstall this crap."
The cavern shook again. Footsteps echoed—armored, organized, not glitchy. Lira whispered, "King's goons. We're boned." Ryu gripped Snarkfang, smirking. "Good. I need something that doesn't suck to stab."