Ryu sprinted through the glitch-ravaged wilds of Valdris, the Patch Shard fragment jabbing his thigh through his pocket like it was pissed to be there. Behind him, horns blared—more of the Admin King's goons, probably still salty about their captain getting toasted. Lira clutched the Waffle Iron of the Grid like it was her firstborn, Gorv stumbled with his axe dragging, and Pip hummed a polka that made Ryu want to shove the lute up his ass sideways. The ground squelched underfoot, turning muddy, then wet—real wet.
"Fuck me," Ryu muttered, slowing as the terrain sank into a swamp. Gnarled trees loomed, dripping pixelated slime, and bubbles popped on the surface, farting out neon mist. The system flickered: [Location Discovered: Glitchmire Swamp. Warning: It's a shithole. Watch your step.]
Snarkfang pulsed. "Great, dickwad. From waffles to ass-water. You're a real winner."
"Bite me," Ryu snapped, swatting a bug that glitched into three bugs mid-air. "You got a better plan?"
"Yeah—ditch these clowns and let me stab something that doesn't suck."
Lira splashed ahead, grinning. "Swamps mean loot! Old bones, drowned treasure—" She tripped, faceplanting in muck. The waffle iron flew, landing with a splat. A gator—six feet of scales and teeth—lunged from the water, snapping at it. Lira shrieked, "MY BABY!" and tackled the beast, wrestling it like a drunk bar brawler. [Party Action: Lira vs. Gator. Outcome: Fucking stupid.]
Gorv froze, eyeing the gator's thrashing tail. "B-blood incoming…" His knees wobbled, but he gripped his axe, muttering, "No red, no red…" Pip, oblivious, strummed his lute. "A swamp jig, mates!" The notes warped, and the gator grew—spikes sprouting, eyes doubling. [Buff Applied: Gator -> Spikejaw (Level 9). Pip, you goddamn disaster.]
"PIP, YOU COCK!" Ryu roared, dodging a tail swipe that splattered slime on his face. [Status: Slimed. You smell like ass.]
Snarkfang cackled. "This is peak you, shit-for-brains. Stab it or swim—your call!" Ryu swung—Stink Slash blasted out, a green fog so rancid the Spikejaw gagged, choking on its own tongue. [Damage: 8. Effect: Gator's puking pixels.] Lira yanked the waffle iron free, kicking the beast. "Mine, bitch!"
The horns closed in—goons shouting, armor clanking. Ryu grit his teeth. "We need a distraction." He triggered Toaster Toss, praying for a win. The air shimmered, and a blender—not a toaster—crashed into the swamp, blades whirring. It sank, then exploded back up, fused with a gator—spinning teeth, metal scales, a fucking Blender-Gator. [Toaster Toss Success: Blender-Gator (Level 11) Spawned. Effect: You're so fucked.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "I love you, you chaotic bastard!"
The Blender-Gator roared, blades shredding a tree into splinters. It charged—not at the crew, but the goons bursting into the clearing. Six assholes in armor, led by a sergeant with a scar and a superiority complex. "Glitch Knight! You're—" His words cut off as the Blender-Gator blitzed, blending a grunt into red mist. [Enemy Down: +20 EXP. Bug Escalation: Gore Smoothie.]
Gorv saw the blood, screamed, "RED!" and swung his axe blind. It glitched, firing a laser beam that torched a tree—and Pip's hat. [Bug Triggered: Axe Laser. Pip's Pissed.]
"My feathers!" Pip wailed, stomping. He strummed harder, and the Blender-Gator doubled—two whirring death machines now shredding goons. [Buff Applied: Blender-Gator x2. Pip, stop, you twat.]
The sergeant ducked a blade, bellowing, "Kill the freaks!" He slashed at Ryu, who parried with Snarkfang. Sparks flew, the sword snarking, "Weak swing, bitch—my grandma hits harder!" Ryu countered with Crash Bash—static ripped out, bluescreening the Blender-Gators mid-rampage. [BlenderGator.exe x2 crashed. +100 EXP.] But the wave clipped Gorv, who froze, axe mid-swing, drooling. [Party Debuff: Gorv's a statue. Nice going, asshole.]
Lira leapt on the sergeant, clawing for his sword. "Shiny!" He elbowed her off, but she nabbed his belt pouch—spilling coins and a rubber chicken that squeaked on impact. [Loot Gained: 10 Gold, Squeaky Bitch.] The sergeant roared, slashing at Ryu. Snarkfang blocked, glitching the hit into a backhand that slapped the sergeant's helm off. "Pussy move!" the sword taunted.
Pip, hatless and feral, strummed a polka so bad the swamp bubbled. A third Blender-Gator erupted—bigger, with buzzsaw arms. [Buff Overload: Mega Blender-Gator (Level 14). Pip, you're a plague.] It spun, shredding the last grunts into confetti. The sergeant bolted, yelling, "Retreat! Fuck this!" Ryu swung Snarkfang—Stink Slash hit, and the sergeant tripped, faceplanting in slime. [KO: +50 EXP. Status: He's crying.]
The Mega Blender-Gator turned, locking onto Ryu's crew. "Oh, fuck me," he groaned. Lira chucked the rubber chicken—it squeaked, glitching into a chicken-gator hybrid that pecked the mega beast. [Bug Triggered: Cluck-Gator Distraction.] Ryu seized the chance, slashing with Crash Bash. Static flared—the Mega Blender-Gator bluescreened, collapsing into a pile of blades and scales. [Victory! +120 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 4. New Skill: Glitch Grenade (Tosses buggy bullshit, might blow you up).]
Ryu panted, knee-deep in swamp shit. Lira hugged her waffle iron, Gorv rebooted with a whimper, and Pip plucked his lute—snapped a string, thank Christ. The Cluck-Gator clucked, waddling off. Snarkfang snorted. "You're a walking dumpster fire, shitlord. I'd clap, but I'm a sword."
"Fuck off," Ryu muttered, fishing the Squeaky Bitch from the muck. The system dinged: [Quest Update: Patch Shard Proximity Increased. Hint: Deeper in the shithole.]
A distant splash echoed—more gators, or worse. Ryu glared at his crew. "Move, fuckwits, before I feed you to the next glitch."
Lira grinned. "Worth it for the iron."