Ryu crouched behind a boulder, Snarkfang humming in his hand like it was about to bust a gut laughing. The cavern's torch flickered, casting shadows of Lira picking her nose, Gorv hugging his axe like a teddy bear, and Pip tuning his lute with a sound like a dying goose. Footsteps clanked closer—metal boots, not the sloppy scamper of goblins or the Glitchodile's pixelated bullshit. These were the Admin King's goons, and they sounded like they'd actually showered this week.
"Alright, fuckwits," Ryu hissed, "we've got company. Don't suck for once."
Lira smirked, twirling the bent spoon from the Glitchodile loot. "I'll nick their helmets—shiny sells good."
Gorv whimpered, "A-are they b-bleeding yet?"
Pip strummed a note that made Ryu's teeth hurt. "I'll serenade 'em into submission, cap'n!"
Snarkfang pulsed. "Great plan, dickhead. They'll die—of embarrassment. Stab 'em already, or I'll start cutting you just for fun."
The goons marched into view—five assholes in gleaming plate armor, swords drawn, visors down. Their leader, a brick shithouse with a cape, barked, "Surrender, Glitch Knight! The Admin King wants your buggy ass deleted!" A system popup flickered: [Enemy: Patrol Captain (Level 10). Minions: Grunt Fucks (Level 5 x4). Objective: Don't die, dumbass.]
Ryu grinned. "Finally, something worth hitting." He leapt up, swinging Snarkfang with a battle cry—only for Crash Bash to trigger. A glitchy wave of static blasted out, and the captain froze mid-step, a blue screen flashing over his helmet: [PatrolCaptain.exe has stopped responding.] The minions blinked, confused, as their boss rebooted with a dial-up screech.
"Fuck yeah!" Ryu cheered—until the static hit him. His vision fritzed, legs locking up. [Crash Bash Backfire: You're bluescreened, shit-for-brains. Duration: 10 seconds.] He toppled like a drunk mannequin, faceplanting in bat guano. Snarkfang howled. "Smooth move, jackass! You're a walking glitch magnet!"
Lira cackled, darting forward. "Loot time!" She yanked the captain's cape off while he twitched, then pickpocketed a grunt's pouch—only to pull out a live frog. It ribbited in her face, and she screamed, flinging it. The frog hit Gorv, who shrieked, "BLOOD!"—even though it was just slime—and fainted, axe clattering. [Party Debuff: Gorv's Down, You're Fucked.]
Pip, undeterred, launched into a polka so shitty it could peel paint. "For glory, mates!" The notes warped the air, and the captain's horse—tied to a stalagmite—glitched. Its muscles ballooned, eyes glowing red, sprouting horns and a second head. [Buff Applied: Horse -> Hellsteed Kaiju (Level 15). Thanks, Pip, you absolute cockwaffle.] The beast roared, snapping its reins, and charged—right at Ryu's crew.
"PIP, YOU DICK!" Ryu yelled, still paralyzed. The Hellsteed Kaiju trampled a grunt into paste, acid spit flying from both mouths. A glob hit Ryu's arm, sizzling his sleeve off. [Damage: -10 HP. Status: Smells like burnt ass.] The captain rebooted, shaking his head. "Kill the bard first!" he roared, sword up.
Lira chucked the bent spoon at him. It bonked his helm, glitching into a swarm of butterflies that swarmed his face. [Bug Triggered: Spoon of Lepidoptera. Effect: Captain's pissed.] "Get these fuckers off me!" he flailed, staggering into a grunt and knocking him out cold.
Gorv stirred, saw the grunt's blood, and screamed, "RED STUFF!" He swung his axe blind, clipping the Hellsteed's leg. The beast bellowed, glitching bigger—now with three heads and a tail that shot sparks. Ryu's bluescreen finally cleared, and he rolled aside as a hoof cratered the spot he'd been. "This is why I hate parties!" he snarled, slashing Snarkfang. Stink Slash erupted—a fart cloud so vile the Hellsteed gagged, one head barfing pixels. [Damage: 5. Status: Kaiju's got IBS now.]
Snarkfang cackled. "You're a walking biohazard, shitlord. Keep swinging—I'm loving this!"
"Fuck you too," Ryu muttered, dodging a spark-tail swipe. He glanced at his crew: Lira wrestling a grunt for his boots, Gorv sobbing into his axe, Pip polka-ing like a madman while the Hellsteed grew a fourth head. The captain rallied his last two grunts, pointing at Ryu. "End him! The King's patching this world—no more bugs!"
Ryu smirked. "Patch this." He triggered Crash Bash again, praying it didn't screw him twice. Static exploded—half the cavern fritzed out, and the Hellsteed froze mid-roar, bluescreening into a heap of twitching code. [Hellsteed.exe terminated. +75 EXP.] But the captain ducked the wave, charging with a war cry. Ryu parried, Snarkfang clanging. "Weak grip, bitch!" the sword taunted. Sparks flew, and the captain's sword nicked Ryu's shoulder. [Damage: -15 HP. Quit sucking.]
Lira leapt on the captain's back, yanking his visor. "Shiny!" It popped off, revealing a face so generic Ryu swore it was an NPC default. The captain bucked her off, but Gorv—finally snapping—roared, "NO MORE RED!" and hurled his axe. It spun, glitched mid-air, and split into three axes, each thunking a grunt. [Triple Kill! +60 EXP. Bug Logged: Axe-zartion.] The captain stood alone, fuming.
Pip strummed a final note. The cavern shook, and a fucking toaster dropped from the ceiling, clonking the captain's head. He wobbled, muttering, "System… failed…" and collapsed. [Victory! +100 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 3. New Skill: Toaster Toss (10% chance to summon breakfast-based doom).]
Ryu panted, staring at the carnage: dead goons, a bluescreened kaiju, axes everywhere, and a toaster smoking on the captain's corpse. Lira pocketed the visor. Gorv hugged his axe, sniffling. Pip bowed. "A triumph, cap'n!"
Snarkfang snorted. "Triumph my ass. You're a clown car crash with extra steps."
Ryu kicked the toaster. "Shut it. We're alive, aren't we?"
The system dinged: [Quest Unlocked: Find the First Patch Shard. Reward: Less bullshit (maybe).]
A distant horn blared—more goons on the way. Ryu groaned. "Fuck my life."