Ryu trudged out of the cavern, Snarkfang dangling in his hand like it was too bored to give a shit. The air outside stank of burnt moss and desperation, Valdris stretching ahead in a glitchy mess—trees flickering like bad GIFs, a river flowing uphill, and a sky that couldn't decide if it was day or night. Lira skipped beside him, polishing the captain's visor with her sleeve. Gorv whimpered, clutching his axe like it'd save him from his own shadow. Pip strummed his lute, each note sounding like a cat getting railed by a chainsaw.
"New quest, dipshits," Ryu said, squinting at the system popup still floating in his vision: [Find the First Patch Shard. Reward: Less bullshit (maybe). Hint: Follow the crazy bastards.]
Snarkfang snorted. "Crazy bastards? That's you lot. You're so fucked you'd lose a staring contest with a rock."
"Eat shit," Ryu shot back, kicking a pebble that glitched into a rubber duck mid-flight. "At least I'm not stuck with your whiny ass forever."
"Keep dreaming, cocksmack. I'm the best thing you've got."
A plume of smoke rose in the distance, curling into a shape like a middle finger flipping off the sky. Voices chanted—low, creepy, and way too into it. Ryu crept closer, crew in tow, until they hit a clearing. There it was: a village of shacks built from scrap metal and bones, centered around a glowing pedestal. On it? A fucking waffle iron, steaming like it'd just popped out a batch of golden goodness. Robed weirdos knelt around it, muttering, "Praise the Grid! Burn us clean!"
The system dinged: [Location Discovered: Gridkin Village. Faction: Cult of the Waffle. Note: They're batshit—good luck.]
Ryu blinked. "A waffle cult? What the fuck is this game smoking?"
Lira's eyes gleamed. "That iron's shiny—mine!" She lunged, but Ryu yanked her back by the hood. "Not yet, klepto. Let's not die over breakfast."
Snarkfang cackled. "Too late, fuckface. They've seen you."
A robed figure—tall, bony, with a hood shadowing a face full of crazy—spun toward them. "Intruders!" he bellowed, raising a staff topped with a charred waffle. "The Gridkin greet you! Kneel to the Sacred Iron, or taste its holy heat!" The cultists stood, pulling weapons—spatulas, rolling pins, one guy waving a whisk like a goddamn ninja.
"Hard pass," Ryu said, gripping Snarkfang. "I'm not bowing to a kitchen appliance." He triggered Toaster Toss on instinct—10% chance, his ass. The air shimmered, and a waffle iron—not a toaster—clanged down from nowhere, smashing the pedestal. The cult's iron tipped over, sizzling into the dirt. Steam hissed, and the Gridkin froze, then wailed like Ryu'd just kicked their dog. [Toaster Toss Success: Waffle Iron Drop. Effect: You've pissed off the crazies.]
"Blasphemer!" the leader screeched, staff sparking. "The Grid demands your flesh!" A bolt of lightning shot out—except it glitched mid-air, turning into a swarm of flaming waffles. They pelted Ryu's crew, scorching Lira's robe. "Ow, fuck!" she yelped, swatting one off. "Tastes like ass!"
Gorv caught a waffle in the face, saw the red burn mark, and shrieked, "BLOOD!" He flailed his axe, accidentally lopping a cultist's spatula in half. [Friendly Fire: +5 EXP. Bug Logged: Spatula Split.]
Pip, because he's a goddamn menace, strummed his lute. "A hymn for the Grid!" The polka screeched, and the dropped waffle iron grew—legs sprouting, steam vents roaring, turning into a Waffle Golem with glowing batter eyes. [Buff Applied: Waffle Iron -> Waffle Golem (Level 12). Pip, you stupid fuck.]
"PIP!" Ryu roared, dodging a golem fist that cratered the ground. "Stop helping!"
"It's art, cap'n!" Pip grinned, dodging a cultist's whisk swipe.
The Gridkin leader howled, "The Grid awakens! Burn the heretics!" The golem charged, spewing molten batter. Ryu swung Snarkfang—Stink Slash erupted, a green cloud so nasty the golem's eyes dripped syrupy tears. [Damage: 10. Status: Golem's got a sinus infection.] Snarkfang laughed. "You're a walking fart factory, shitstain. Love it."
Lira darted through the chaos, snagging the cult's fallen waffle iron. "Score!" she crowed—until a cultist tackled her, both rolling into a shack that collapsed in a puff of glitchy dust. [Bug Triggered: Shack Shack Boom. Effect: Confusion +10.] Gorv, still freaking, swung his axe blind. It glitched mid-arc, cloning into a dozen tiny axes that peppered the golem like a pinata. Batter splattered, and it staggered. [Critical Glitch! +30 EXP.]
The leader raised his staff again. "Grid, smite them!" Lightning crackled—then fritzed, hitting Pip instead. His lute exploded into a disco ball, spinning and blasting polka at ear-bleeding volume. The golem danced, fists pumping, trampling two cultists. [Bug Escalation: Disco Golem Party. Effect: Chaos intensifies.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "I'm gonna piss myself—this is gold, you dumb fuck!"
Ryu seized the moment, triggering Crash Bash. Static ripped through the clearing. The golem bluescreened, collapsing into a heap of waffles with a sad beep. [WaffleGolem.exe crashed. +80 EXP.] The leader's staff fizzed out, and he screamed, "Nooo! The Grid rejects us!" Ryu charged, Snarkfang slashing—the blade glitched, turning the strike into a bitchslap that sent the leader sprawling. [Non-Lethal KO: +20 EXP.]
The cultists scattered, sobbing about "the Grid's betrayal." Ryu panted, surrounded by waffle chunks, a disco ball still spinning, and Lira hugging the stolen iron like a baby. Gorv whimpered, "Is it over? No more red?"
Pip plucked a lute string—snapped, thank fuck. "A glorious ballad, cap'n!"
Snarkfang snorted. "Glorious my ass. You're a walking war crime."
The system dinged: [Quest Update: First Patch Shard Proximity Detected. Loot Gained: Waffle Iron of the Grid (Effect: Burns shit, might summon breakfast).] A faint glow pulsed under the golem's wreckage. Ryu kicked through the batter, revealing a shard of code—sharp, flickering, alive. [Item: Patch Shard Fragment (1/5). Note: Don't break it, dipshit.]
Footsteps clanked in the distance—more goons, probably pissed about their dead captain. Ryu pocketed the shard. "Time to haul ass, fuckwits. Let's not die over waffles."
Lira grinned. "Worth it."